This is me
Hey guys/girls/everyone! My name is Sarah and Im going to put out a TW on here, I havent been in this thread but am so glad it exists.
i am a mess right now.
so Ive been struggling with an eating disorder for 4 years and thats starting to finally actually get better after 13 admissions, and Im in a healthy weight. However, body image is shit and I also would either restrict or purge toward the end, and so I decided if I wasnt going to do either I would cut myself.
so I got all the cleaning supplies and dressings with my moms credit card alone one day on a grocery trip. About 6 weeks ago. And I have done it before , but never to this extent. Heres the big TW is I do not feel in any way ready or willing or able to give it up. And I couldnt tell you how many times it has happened.
Anyway, I didnt tell anyone and did it in the one place I thought no one would see-my hips/ribs/stomach. And it worked. But I went to the dr office and she was doing a physical on me(I see her regularly for my ed) and she goes to feel my bowels and lifts up my shirt an inch and saw one wut and then all of them. Thats how my story got out.
this was on Monday.
since then I have told my therapist and mom but neither are helpful and it has only gotten worse and happens a few times each day. I dont know what to do and am alone all day theres no way to get out Of the house. I just want someone to talk to consistently, to care
@Ellewoods24
I am really sorry for what you are going through. Self-harm is a coping mechanism. In order to stop it, we have to find healthier alternatives and actively train our body and mind. It takes time and effort, and we do not always feel ready for it. And it is ok.
Unfortunately, parents do not always react in ways that we find useful, and so do therapists. Have you tried talking about this with them, and telling clearly what would feel indeed useful?
@admaiorasemper I dont know what would be useful is the problem. I have told her what is hurtful though.
Its been going well here at where I am. Im just always anxious
Hello @Ellewoods24
First, I just wanted to say that you are brave for coming here to seek help. I also struggled with cutting so I know what it feels like. Whenever you feel like harming yourself, try holding an icecube against the area where you want to cut. You could also draw over the area. Writing about what triggered you could also help. You said you wanted someone to talk to, naybe you could try another family member, a close friend, a school counselor (if available), or even get a new therapist. You could also find a long-term listener here on 7cups. I'll leave some more resources for you to check out.
Please remember: You are not alone. You are loved. You deserve to get better. Life will move on and eventually things will get better. Getting help does not make you weak. Your struggles are valid. You are strong.
Self-harm recovery resource spreadsheet
@Ellewoods24
Hi there, just thought to check up on you and ask how you are doing. I am here should you need someone to talk.
I
@Ellewoods24
I am here for you and I am sending you a hug if you are comfortable with it. I cannot pm you as we are both members, but we can write here if you are ok with it...
@Ellewoods24
Hi Sarah! How are you doing?
@admaiorasemper not the best honestly. I still struggle with eating and cutting and figuring it all out
@Ellewoods24
Are you having therapy again?
@admaiorasemper I have it today for the first time in 3 weeks and I
@Ellewoods24
I am happy you are starting therapy again. Being scared and uneasy the very first time you meet with a new therapist is very understandable. With time, you will hopefully build a trusting relationship with him.
The fact the you feel you have so many things to say sounds actually very positive to me. You seem willing to open up and facing your fears. I am proud of you. I am seding you good vibes and I hope you will have a good first session. Let me know how it goes.
*hugs*
@admaiorasemper I will, I have the session in about 2 hours. I
@Ellewoods24
Do you have a journal? It could be really useful to help yourself processing thoughts in between two sessions. And you could also bring it to the therapist
*more hugs*
@admaiorasemper yes I do and that may be useful. I
@Ellewoods24
*literary all of the hugs and some more too that the universe has custom made for you only*
ps. I am seriously proud of you. It's brave stuff what you are doing
@admaiorasemper thank you so much. I don
@Ellewoods24
You know you may even start the session saying exactly those things... maybe it would release some of the pressure you feel. I don't know. But it will be ok. Trust yourself. One little step after another and you'll go a long way
@admaiorasemper thank you so much. I
@Ellewoods24
Go girl go!
* music & cheerleaders screaming Sarah! Sarah! Sarah! *
I will happily read you tomorrow morning :)
@admaiorasemper my session went really well. Hes really nice and understanding and he loves feedback.he also loves working together with finding a solution but is also an ear if I want to vent.
Now I just dont want to wait for next Wednesday. And I want to go back. Ugh lol
@Ellewoods24
You sound really enthusiastic. I love this and I am really happy for you. It all feels very positive. You are doing an amazing job. Keep busy if you can, by journaling, writing here, reading, listening to music, whatever you like. Time will go faster and your second session will come sooner. You rock girl!
@admaiorasemper I
@Ellewoods24
I am here for you Sarah. It is ok to feel as you do. If I were to tell you that I binged last night too, what would you say to me?
@admaiorasemper that it happens sometimes and it
@Ellewoods24
Do you think it would be ok if I were to eat today?
@admaiorasemper yes.....ack it makes sense to tell someone else that it
@Ellewoods24
You are very right, it is your eating disorder telling you that. It is not true... it comes from a disorder. It is your inner critic speaking. It is allowed to say whatever it wants, but it doesn't mean you have to believe it. Have you watched that video I suggested to you? Try to imagine another voice talking you with compassion... mine for example... I am saying that it is ok. It is ok having binged last night. It is ok to eat today. You are gonna be ok.
You are so caring when you talk to me. Try to be as caring, kind and compassionate with yourself. You deserve it. I want this very much for you.
@admaiorasemper I try to think of it like this... my eating disorder stemmed from hatred and cruelty and a way to cope with that. My eating disorder was born out of fear and loneliness and sadness. And the idea of facing it with anger or shame only makes me feel more fear and lonely. Its still really hard though
@Ellewoods24
It makes much sense to me. As you say, your eating disorder was a coping mechanism. It deserves compassion too.
@admaiorasemper I just feel like I
@Ellewoods24
I don't think you are a bad person at all Sarah. And your eating disorder doesn't make you bad. Nobody should make you think otherwise.
@admaiorasemper I just feel like people will judge me which a lot of people do. I just don
@Ellewoods24
Did these people tell you clearly that they hate you? And if so: why do you think it feels so important to make them change their mind? This seems to be something important to reflect on.
@Ellewoods24
Just wanted to send you some very extremely incredibly amazingly tight hugs
@admaiorasemper thank you. Sending all the hugs back
i feel so alone and lost. I want to self harm pretty badly rn
@Ellewoods24
You are not alone. I am here sitting with you. And you will find your way.
Have you ever heard of the safety self-harm box?
@admaiorasemper no I haven
@Ellewoods24
All you need to start is a box. It can be an old shoebox, a gift box from your local giftware store or even a discarded cereal box. As long as it has four walls, a base and a lid, it is perfect!
Once youve got your box, the next step is to personalise it. You can cover it with contact, decorate it with funky wrapping paper or paint it. Whatever feels nice to you.
The third step is to fill the box with items that will help you regain control during periods of emotional distress. Think things that make you happy. Think things that are tactile. Think things that trigger your senses.
Here are a few ideas to get you started:
Arts and crafts: colouring pencils, finger paint, plasticine, paper, water colours, brushes.
Brainteasers and puzzles: a small jigsaw puzzle, word-searches, Sudoku.
Fun and games: small toys, cuddly toys, travel board games, a pack of cards.
Odds and ends: books, DVDs, luxurious bath products, essential oils, meaningful photos, candy.
Once youve filled your box, simply store it in a special, easy-to-remember place so that when things get rough youll know exactly where to find it.All you need to do is remember to use it should you ever become triggered and/or feel the urge to self-harm.
A couple of examples:
Hi Sarah! How are you? A new week hast started, and tomorrow is wednesday... therapy day I suppose! You must be excited :)
@admaiorasemper I
@Ellewoods24
Oh that doesn't sound fair that they have to tell your mum. Have you discussed confidentiality with your therapist? Still, I understand that they all want to keep you safe. They care for you, you are important. Can you see this?
There is something I would like to ask you if you don't mind. Can you imagine how you would like your mum to react instead? Which words would you like her to say?
I am so happy to hear you are ecstatic!
Lots and lots and lots and lots of hugs travelling from France and getting to you 
@admaiorasemper so in terms of confidentiality they dont have to tell her if I have thoughts but if I act on it they have to tell her. Sadly.
I would like my mom to react in a compasssionate way and to just hug me instead of trying to fix me
@Ellewoods24
Oh I see. It makes sense. I get you are under 18?
I have this picture of you and your mum hugging. I can see from what you wrote that you love her, and her anger - even if it is not a useful reaction for you - does show that she cares about you and that she loves you. Can you imagine telling her 'mum please just hug me instead of being angry'? How powerful this would be for you. How healing.
I am proud of you for being able to see what you would like and what would feel useful for you. I wish you a great second session and I am looking forward to hearing how it went!
@admaiorasemper yes, I am 17. I actually (thank god) have my session with my therapist (we
@admaiorasemper my sessions went well today. My one with G was amazing-he is SO HELPFUL and I love him (therapudically) literally so much. The goal for this week is focusing on the acceptance of emotions or lack there of, which seems like a good place to start. He just has a new way of approaching what Ive done in treatment already. On a similar note, I am happy to say that he has agreed to see me twice a week for until Im feeling a little more stable. Literally thank god
my family session with V went pretty well too. My mom didnt flinch at me when I said I was still doing it, which is I guess ok. I still cant talk to her about it though, and I really want to do it tonight.
@Ellewoods24
I am really really happy for you, lots of good news there! I can feel you are changing and growing, you know? So proud of you!
Did you manage to talk with your mum last night? And if so, how did it go?
*hugs*
@admaiorasemper I didnt talk to my mom and did end up doing it for other reasons- my friend attempted last night for the 8th time and is in the hospital; and I feel like I could have done something about it. I found out a few minutes after I posted here.
I feel so confused and sad. I want to cry but I cant. I just want to feel better but I dont-cant stop
@Ellewoods24
I am so terribly sorry to hear that... I understand your sadness and confusion, and I really hope your friend will get better soon. Please do not think this is your fault... I have been in a very dark place myself, and my friends didn't know. Nor there was anything they could have done really. We are not always ready to be helped... I am sure you fill find a way to let her know that you support her, that you care about her, that she means a lot to you.
Please take care of yourself
@admaiorasemper I just feel so confused and overwhelmed and I want to cry but I cant
@Ellewoods24
It is ok if you can't cry, it happens sometimes that we simply can't let tears come out. I don't know if you are on meds, but they often have an impact on this. Put your feet on the ground and take deep breaths. This confusion is totally normal and will pass. Keep connecting and expressing your emotions as you are doing, it will help you when you feel overwhelmed by them. Whatever you feel, it will fade, I promise you.
*hugs hugs hugs*
Hi Sarah, how are you?
*hugs*
Hi Sarah, I am thinking of you.
