This is me
Hey guys/girls/everyone! My name is Sarah and Im going to put out a TW on here, I havent been in this thread but am so glad it exists.
i am a mess right now.
so Ive been struggling with an eating disorder for 4 years and thats starting to finally actually get better after 13 admissions, and Im in a healthy weight. However, body image is shit and I also would either restrict or purge toward the end, and so I decided if I wasnt going to do either I would cut myself.
so I got all the cleaning supplies and dressings with my moms credit card alone one day on a grocery trip. About 6 weeks ago. And I have done it before , but never to this extent. Heres the big TW is I do not feel in any way ready or willing or able to give it up. And I couldnt tell you how many times it has happened.
Anyway, I didnt tell anyone and did it in the one place I thought no one would see-my hips/ribs/stomach. And it worked. But I went to the dr office and she was doing a physical on me(I see her regularly for my ed) and she goes to feel my bowels and lifts up my shirt an inch and saw one wut and then all of them. Thats how my story got out.
this was on Monday.
since then I have told my therapist and mom but neither are helpful and it has only gotten worse and happens a few times each day. I dont know what to do and am alone all day theres no way to get out Of the house. I just want someone to talk to consistently, to care
@Ellewoods24
I am really sorry for what you are going through. Self-harm is a coping mechanism. In order to stop it, we have to find healthier alternatives and actively train our body and mind. It takes time and effort, and we do not always feel ready for it. And it is ok.
Unfortunately, parents do not always react in ways that we find useful, and so do therapists. Have you tried talking about this with them, and telling clearly what would feel indeed useful?
@admaiorasemper I dont know what would be useful is the problem. I have told her what is hurtful though.
Its been going well here at where I am. Im just always anxious
Hello @Ellewoods24
First, I just wanted to say that you are brave for coming here to seek help. I also struggled with cutting so I know what it feels like. Whenever you feel like harming yourself, try holding an icecube against the area where you want to cut. You could also draw over the area. Writing about what triggered you could also help. You said you wanted someone to talk to, naybe you could try another family member, a close friend, a school counselor (if available), or even get a new therapist. You could also find a long-term listener here on 7cups. I'll leave some more resources for you to check out.
Please remember: You are not alone. You are loved. You deserve to get better. Life will move on and eventually things will get better. Getting help does not make you weak. Your struggles are valid. You are strong.
Self-harm recovery resource spreadsheet
@Ellewoods24
Hi there, just thought to check up on you and ask how you are doing. I am here should you need someone to talk.
I
@Ellewoods24
I am here for you and I am sending you a hug if you are comfortable with it. I cannot pm you as we are both members, but we can write here if you are ok with it...
@admaiorasemper
@Ellewoods24
I am here. You are not alone. Has anything happened in particular?
So my phone wouldnt let me type for a minute I fixed it.
So ive really been wanting to do it(sh) and feeling anxious and on edge and I havent slept in over a week now because I dont feel tired . I am always alone at home and ildont have any friends to talk me through anything. I just want someone to hug me and be there for me and physically talk to me-Im an introvert with no way of having social interaction. I dont have my liscence yet so I cant drive anywhere and my mom is gone all day everyday. I feel like a fake because Ive only been doing this consistently for about 7 weeks now and I feel weak for trying to not do it bc for me it feels like if I dont then I cant stand the pain and I do it bc I feel like I have to make the inside match the outside because something gets lost in the translation of my mind to how people see me. I feel like an attention whore and I hate that. I just dont know what to do. Yes I see professionals and they know however most other coping skills dont work (ice or cold or hot or exercise or distractions or the marker or the band) I feel like I need to have some sort of release and for whatever reason when I see what happens when I do it is what keeps me coming back to it. @admaiorasemper
@Ellewoods24
I understand the need of release very well. And I understand that other means of coping doesn't always seem to work. It is a long process... I am proud of you for trying to resort to alternatives though. Do not stop. Can you describe to me what you feel in your body just before doing it?
Just racing thoughts, or complete numbness.when I have no motivation to do something or if I feel full. I will often just feel dull or just out of concentration, or feel completely like fuck it. I just feel on edge or nothing @admaiorasemper
@Ellewoods24
It looks like you use self-harming for two different reasons. One is to feel something, to get out from your numbness, to prove yourself you are alive possibly, that you can *feel*. The other one would be to calm you down, to release pressure. Am I right?
Yes, that is correct. And another is due to OCD because I feel as though I have to do the same as the day before or if I do something different something bad will happen.
and then if I dont but the scars are fading I feel like i need to do it again as well-something about the blood or something. @admaiorasemper
@Ellewoods24
I am gonna share an idea that could perhaps work, perhaps not, perhaps would take time, I don't know. It is here for you to read it, think about it, and do whatever you want about it.
Next time you feel the urge, try to identify which need you are trying to meet: feeling something and getting out of the numbness, or release pressure?
If it's the first one, try a grounding exercise. Set a 5 minute alarm. In these five minutes, try to focus on the space around you. Find 5 things that you can see (your bed for example: focus on its colour and shape), 4 things that you can touch (and touch them!, focus on how this feels, soft or hard, cold or warm, etc.), 3 things you can hear (a car in the street for instance), 2 things you can smell (are you wearing a parfume? can you smell dinner getting ready?), 1 thing you can taste. Repeat until the 5 minutes are over. Ask yourself if the urge is still there. If it is, you can add another 5 minutes. If you self-harm, it is ok. It takes time. Just tell yourself that next time your are going to add an extra 5 minutes.
If it's the second one, I would go for something very physical. Punching a pillow, screaming, running on the spot if you cannot go out, putting very loud music on and sing along, drawing the pressure you feel very agressively, using a tennis ball and repeatedly throwing this at the wall, emptying all the contents of your drawers and wardrobe. You could also set a 5 minute timer here, then ask yourself if the urge is still there.
As for the OCD, have you read the guide here on the 7cups website? I found it very inspiring.
You mentioned a therapist: how often do you see her/him? do you find him/her to be a good match?
*I'm here for you*
I see him 1x a week and hes not very helpful around this. I thought it was a good fit, not sure anymore, idk well keep trying it out...Im not sure. I just feel like I cant stop. @admaiorasemper
@Ellewoods24
Hi there, sorry for not replying yesterday, had a pretty tough and busy day myself.
You mention your therapist not being very useful lately on the topic of self-harm. What would you find useful, which kind of approach? What do you miss, could you name it?
*Hug you tight and I am still here for you*
@admaiorasemper
im honestly not entirely sure. Our sessions feel more stream of consciousness, which helps me connect the dots kind of to my childhood I guess, but I feel as though I just need to VENT without anyone being like
@Ellewoods24
It is ok not feeling like stopping it right now.
I understand the need to vent just for the sake of it, without being judged. Do you trust your therapist in this respect? He is bound to confidentiality and should not share details of your conversations with your mum, unless obviously you are at immediate life danger.
Would you share with me which emotions you are experiencing just now?
@admaiorasemper
ancious, helpless, alone, like a hopeless case, numb, exhausted...
and i feel as though I can vent to him, its just different than say venting to...anyone else.
@Ellewoods24
Those are pretty difficult feelings...
You sound very harsh towards yourself when you say you are a hopeless case... why would that be?
@admaiorasemper
i can
@Ellewoods24
I understand 
It makes me wonder... if a dear friend would come to you with such a painful realisation, the feeling of repeating the very same mistakes over and over, this sense of being hopeless... would you blame her/him? How would you respond to this close friend of yours, facing up such a distressing issue?
@admaiorasemper
i would hug them and tell them I was always there to talk. I am a big person on physical touch in that it helps me, but that
@Ellewoods24
You sound so caring when you describe how you would react to your friend's distress. Could you imagine telling yourself those exact words? Coudl you imagine hugging yourself too?
I suppose you live in a small town?
@admaiorasemper
yes I live in a small town in he middle of nowhere, New England. Sadly, I have no friends in person. No one to actually hug or console me.
@Ellewoods24
You do have yourself though... you can treat youself kindly, as you would treat a dear friend... :)
@admaiorasemper it doesnt quite feel the same...theres this sick and twisted part of me that...needs...this...or something. Like I feel as though I cant give it up and Im not even to the point of wanting to give it up. Its somewhat pleasurable as well for me-probably the endorphins.
Im locked up in my house and watch the hours pass with nothing to do
i am also unable to keep up with fluid intake and dont know what effect that has...I maybe have around 4-10 oz of something to drink a day
@Ellewoods24
Drinking water or other fluids is very important, as you know. Dehydration can have a severe impact on our health, we can feel dizzy and experience a lack of energy, up to more severe consequences. I have struggled with this too in the past, I used an app to help and remind me to drink. Perhaps it could be useful for you too?
Do you like to draw? Or perhaps read? What hobbies do you enjoy? I am sure we can come up with a fun way to spend some of your time :)
You mention your 'sick and twisted' part of you. I would like to encourage you to be compassionate towards that part of you too. She exists, she has something to say. She is entitled to be here and be listened to. It is ok if you don't feel like stopping SH right now.
My therapist sent me a poem today, and I would like to share it with you too. Healing takes time. I hug you. I am here for you.
Autobiography in Five Chapters
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
@admaiorasemper I
@Ellewoods24
I am hugging you very very tight
Maybe you could consider a written therapy here on the website, to cover the period of the switch between therapists?
@admaiorasemper I am so down to do that, I just hope it doesn
@Ellewoods24
It's $150.00 monthly. You message your therapist anytime and how often you want, and he/she replys once daily, usually Mo to Fri. I have been doing this for nearly six months and it has been a life saver for me.
Otherwise you can always chat with listeners and keep writing on the forum, this is free!
I hug you tight again!
@Ellewoods24
How are you today? Just wanted to send you a big hug and let you know that I will be on holiday until the 7th of August, so I may not be able to come here and write that often. I will be thinking about you though, and I will try and write at least once to check up on you.
@admaiorasemper thank you so much.
@Ellewoods24
You are very welcome! I care about you, you are not alone.
@Ellewoods24
Hi there! Just wanted to know how you are?
*hugs*
@admaiorasemper not great. Urges are bad and Im without a therapist for at least 2 weeks and Im alone
@Ellewoods24
I hear you. I'm here with you, I won't be leaving you alone. I know how difficult it is when your therapist leaves you. Remember you can keep writing here whenever and whatever. I am listening to you and I keep hugging you
@admaiorasemper so my therapist was like
@Ellewoods24
I have finally found your message. So sorry it took me so long to reply. How are you doing today?
I understand that feeling of being both numb and actually hypersensitive. Maybe the numbness is a way of escaping those overwhelming feelings? Do you think you can name them? Recognising feelings and emotions and acknowledge their presence is often an important step towards having then gently subsiding.
So your therapist doesn't think it matters that much if you do not want to stop selfharming? Have I understood right? Would you like to share a bit more on how this has made you feel?
*hug you*
@admaiorasemper so I feel extreme guilt and shame; usually around my body or what I am eating. This causes me to want to purge and instead I self harm.
mostnof the time.
when my therapist said this, I felt like It didn
@Ellewoods24
I hear your anger at your therapist. Did you express it to him directly? Did you tell him you felt unimportant?
I remember you saying a few messages ago that you didn't feel like being ready to try and stop self-harming. Your reaction to your therapist's words seems actually telling something different... what do you think about this?
@admaiorasemper I don
@Ellewoods24
I hear your cry for help very well. I'm here for you. You are not alone.
@admaiorasemper I just feel so lonely
@Ellewoods24
I know you do and I know how difficult it is. I'm here sitting with you and your loneliness. I am trying to imagine it as a creature. Would you help me visualizing it? Which colour and which size should it have for instance?
@admaiorasemper it would be dark, a shadow that changes. Something I couldn
@Ellewoods24
I'm thinking about this dark shadow right now. Does it have a smell? Does it make any sound?
@admaiorasemper it just is dark and unavoidable. You have to look at it always. It whispers constantly and doesnt really have a smell. Just gives you that metallic taste In Your mouth like you will throw up or faint
@Ellewoods24
I got it. It looks so sad to me. You mentioned this creatures is constantly wishering something... what about trying to listening to what it has to say? Let's sit together the three of us and let it talk, even if it sounds as nonsense. Can you relate to its sadness and loneliness of never being properly heard?
@admaiorasemper it says I
@Ellewoods24
This voice that keeps being in the background sounds desperate to be heard. It says pretty mean things, but we are not going to be mean at it too. Let's allow it to be here and just look at it. I am doing this with you. And we will challenge it together. Remember, this voice is allowed to say whatever. But it doesn't mean it is true. I am allowed to say that the Earth has a triangle shape... but it doesn't make it true... Can you see this?
So this voice is saying that nobody likes or wants to see you. But I do for instance. I am here. Can you think of anyone else? Someone from your family, a friend, a listener on this website?
Does this voice have any other messages?
If you have a few minutes I would suggest to watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ
My therapist shared it with me a few weeks ago when my inner critic voice was also being very loud and mean... I found it helpful, maybe you will too...
*hugs*
@admaiorasemper I mean theres my family but I feel like they have to love me-like they wouldnt if I didnt belong to them.
The voice tells me that people will never like me and will always treat me as a body to be looked at and nothing more. I feel like that is the most important thing
@Ellewoods24
Love and family are sadly not always synonims. If your family loves you, it is proper love. And you are so worthy of it.
Do you think this voice is right? Are you just a body to be looked at? How would you describe your mind and your inner world?
- I am going out but I will be back later on -