its like running into a brick wall mentally

hey...im toonice(guy29!)

I have feelings of dread everyday, believing that the people I know only ever 'keep me sweet' to use me. No one ever asks if im OK, even if i ask them out of curtasy. On the face of it I am, I'm finanically stable yet Im not OK mentally. I'v attempted suicide many times before especially when I was younger, believing that I was taking up too much space on earth...most recently I attempted it at xmas, as even my only family on the same country as I am in now outright told me that they had 'forgotten about me' (I live with a flatmate)...but my 1 true friend picked me up for Christmas day which truely helped. In leiu of suicidal thoughts, I self harm to release the 'bad blood' within me. Iv gotten to a point now where it doesn't hurt.

I can't talk to anyone I know in fear it'll reach my family, being part of the lgbt community doesn't help, as I'v lost family in previous years when I've opened up, so now I'm reluctant to burden anyone I know with my problems. I've always found comfort in talking to strangers, but even when I was younger, doing that online had led me to issues. Now I'm back online opposed to bottling it all up for so many years.

Anyway i've typed too much, sorry, and thanks for reading if in deed you still are! :)