Failed

I have been in a bad place lately. Loneliness is bad. I moved to a new area and I'm away from my family and significant other. I struggled before Christmas with coping but I was fine. Anyway, lockdown recently allowed me to come back and I did with my Boyfriend. We had a good week but I had this overbearing sadness. He left as he had to go home and I was walking back to my house with this hole in my chest. It wasn't just because he left but because I'm alone again and I have to deal with being here. I can't run away from my issues. I was thirsty but like knowing it would only be fixed by alcohol. I started by buying tonic for a non alcoholic drink to try convince myself I would be ok but I ended up getting back to my house and downed a beer in one. (Two years down the drain) I remember crying and then joining my flat with drinks through the evening. But I know that the more I drank the less empty and the more happy I felt. I woke up with bruises on my hands from opening twist caps and down my let's from falling over. My toilet seat is broken from falling on that too. I feel like utter shit. I'm in bed and I keep just trying to fall asleep so that I don't have to be awake anymore.