I struggle from my alcoholic habits from time to time

Hello I firsted drinking at 14 years old, I use to drink my pain and stress away and didn't care what happen to me, I was raised by alcoholic parent and suffer abuse from them when they would drunk and I didn't do what they wanted done fast enough or if I couldn't find what they wanted my parent now is 9 years sober. I would drink until I black out confront any issues in that state I would be verbally abuse to anyone or get into a fight or in up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning or to help me sleep at night from my insomnia. I been locked 3 times for being drunk and for fighting. I can control my drinking when I'm with my partner drinking, but if I go out and drink with friends or by myself I don't have no self control. There's been times where I was sober for two years then I fell back into my drinking habits and not caring. I been lucky my partner still loves me and wants to still marry me but I can see it's taking a toll on them. I recently had blacked out not care and disappeared for a couple hours until I showed up at my parent house and the next day we got into a big argument and I almost lost my fiance but we worked things out. But this battle of when I'm going through something or I'm not happy about my life and the life choices I chose I still have that thought of a having beer or a shot. I love my partner I'm the sweetest and genuine person when I'm sober, but once I go past the point where I can't control it and don't care about anything else except for being blacked out. I had a messed up life before alcohol but all I saw when I was young is to drink my problems or life away. I suffer from mental blockage and only remember all the negative things in my life. I have anxiety and stress myself out or over think things. I'm always prepared for the worse and praying for the best. I know at the end of day it my choice or selfishness if I choose to drinking but it hard from time to time to remain sober. I hope I find tips from people that can relate or if my story helps someone else in their sobriety.