Gifting myself a downward spiral.. TW

Relapsed a week ago, didn’t care to fight it. I know I’m not alone in saying this time of year is extremely difficult for me. I wish I had the energy to pull myself out of this ***, but I don’t. I’d managed to clean up for a little over 2 months before relapsing, but nagging thoughts and memories of loved ones I’ve buried over the past few years just won’t let up. I’ve read that grief is love with nowhere to land. That it’s testament to how deeply you cared for someone or something. It’s the black cloud I can’t shake. I knew this was going to be a miserable time to try to stay clean/sober, that if I went back down this road, it’s one I’ll most likely stay on until the holiday stuff passes. My days are getting shorter and shorter. I don’t want to be awake coherent long enough for feelings to take over again. I’ve barely been awake 3 hrs and I’m already desperate to clock back out for the day. This isn’t sustainable. I wish I cared.  

Over the last year I’ve run my entire life straight into the ground. There’s nearly nothing left outside of me simply existing - I genuinely do not know how I am going to rebuild from this. Burned too many bridges, lost anything that should’ve truly mattered. And maybe it’s that thought coupled with loving ghosts and someone who’ll never reciprocate that feeling that drive me to use over and over and over again. A shell of a person, that’s what I’ve become. 

‘This world was never me, and I was never meant for it’ - NJ