I'm losing count

I think I struggle with my benzo use way more than I thought. My memory is getting the worst end of it and knowing that I mix with weed and alcohol... I can't remember a lot of things. The days go so slowly because of depression but I forget about what I did, so it all just feels like an endless loop of pain. I can't remember how many pills I've taken today. I feel like I don't need the drugs when I'm high, but crave it when I'm not. It's getting tougher and tougher to cope and I'm losing hope. I feel like it might also be affecting my health but idk. I'm 16, I'm still young. And it's nothing like hard drugs. I try to keep myself hydrated and overuse my cough medicine but I think it's worth it. Feels strange to be my own bully and nurse. But that's the addition vs morals conflict