Where do I go from here
I’ve been a member of this forum for a while but I’ve never actually posted, so hey. I’m Coda, I’m almost 18. I’ve struggled with an opioid addiction for the past few years, I first tried pain pills when I was 15 and the relief and the escape and the warmth was a feeling I fell in love with and have chased ever since. My mum is aware of my addiction and she’s been more than supportive. It’s a constant cycle of her finding out I’m using again and the horrific detox process, rehab if it’s particularly bad then I get a few weeks into life being clean, relapse, and lie to her for however long I can about being sober. March/April/May last year I was in rehab after an overdose. I relapsed very soon after leaving because I had no desire or intentions to stay clean. My mum didn’t find out until October, that was the longest amount of time I’ve ever lied to her, it did not go down well. My mum honours trust and honesty above everything, that’s all she really asks of me. I pleaded to quit cold turkey and go through it at home instead of having to go to back to the same rehab centre and she agreed, a couple weeks later I started MAT and was put on Methadone. I quit on the 19th of October and relapsed on November 17th, now it’s March and I’ve been lying to her face every day since, letting her tell me she’s proud of me and celebrating every little milestone. So yeah. I feel like an absolutely awful person and the guilt is getting worse and worse. She’s too good to me to deserve crap like this but I guess I never learn. I know that I need to tell her and to start recovery again but it feels so impossible and so pointless. All my previous attempts at recovering and being a better person have been futile, nothing is different this time. I don’t know how to live without drugs and I don’t want to either really. I’m posting this on here because the person that I would usually turn to in this situation is struggling with his own issues. No one ever really gets it unless they’ve been an addict themselves and he’s the only person I’m close enough to, to be comfortable talking to about this, so I’ll try strangers instead 🤷🏾♀️
Hey I feel you wanna change and that's really awesome and very bold of you. However lying to your mum is a bit unfair go talk to her and tell her that you've relapsed and you're feeling bad about it coz everytime you try you're unable to keep clean for a long time Tell her you wanna be a better person but you're struggling to maintain it the way you know you should be.She will be hurt by the lies and deceit(speaking as someone who appreciates truth and honesty)but will keep trying to help. She hasn't given up so far and she won't now. Lying hurts her then hurts you as well as the addiction you can solve on to solve the other. Start with telling her the truth she deserves it then tell her how you feel she could help you. Focus on always telling her the truth always no matter how embarrassed you feel or how much you feel like you're nagging so that the lies don't mess up her trust towards you. I know how hard it is to get over an addiction I hope you can get well soon Goodluck. Much 💘
@tealScarf9150 Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I want to tell her the truth so badly, I really do, I know it isnt fair to her when I'm being so deceptive but it's just so difficult. I dont want to deal with the fallout and every bit of trust she's regained in me disappearing. I dont want to have to go to rehab again and be clean again, I hate who I am without drugs and other people hate the Coda without drugs too. I dont even know who I actually am without them anymore really. It's so much easier to push my problems away and drown out the bad feelings instead of confronting them. I know I need to change and I know that drugs have taken so much from me and have almost taken my life more than once but it's so hard to give them up when the apology is so good. The lying hurts me and hurts my mum even more but the alternative hurts the worst.
You need to be realistic with where your addiction ends. The feeling you're chasing is driving you deeper and deeper towards that lowest point which either you'll lose your life or lose who you are completely. I can't say I understand addiction in the same way that you do or someone else with more intimate experience does. But you can't keep living like that - it isn't sustainable. Lying to the one person who is always there for you, that guilt will only get worse. You need to be honest, even if that means you need to go to rehab which you're dreading and seem to despise. You're saying nothing has changed, so there is no point of trying. But things have changed, you tried seeking outside help and you want things to change. Try to keep a more positive mindset. Don't punish yourself for failing, but come clean about it every time. When we fail we tend to be harsh on ourselves and really go all-in on our bad behaviours and habits. But failure is normal and a part of being human. You don't have to feel guilty about giving in, in a moment of weakness. Just try to take steps to realise that yes it was a moment of weakness and think about how you can prevent the same situation from repeating next time. If there is a reason you're scared to come clean to your mother you need to have a conversation about why that is. Maybe her reactions make it hard to be honest and you're really scared. Discuss whatever it is with her. Think about the people who care about you. You deserve better from yourself. The most important things are firstly to want to be helped, to have the support you need to be helped, and then to keep trying and don't give up no matter how hard it gets. I recommend you get professional help and maybe join a group so you can meet people going through the same things that you are in life. Remember that you don't have to go through this alone.
@thjakie I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, thank you. Rehab isnt even that awful, not the one that I've been to in the past anyway, if anything the people are quite nice and they get it and the alternative and group therapy styles actually benefit me compared to 1-1 therapy which I really dislike... and there's a lovely dog there. I just can't find the motivation in myself to get clean becuase for me, I dont want to be. I want to be clean for my mum and for other people who love me, but for myself, it doesn't really matter. There are so many cons to using but the beauty of drugs is that I can forget about all of them and feel good and for now, the cons haven't caught up to me. They will though, I know they will and they have before but I do not have the mental strength to give up what has kept me alive, I'd rather just stay in my warm little bubble for the rest of time. I try not to punish myself for failing or to call myself weak for relapsing and struggling, addiction is horrible and awful and for any other addict I'm compassionate and patient and empathetic but it's so hard to stay that way when it comes to myself. I want to believe that I could confess to her, get clean and live happily ever after but the truth is that drugs and my addiction are going to be a part of my life forever, I will always yearn for them and wish i could go back and any problem or dark period or bad day will have the ability to break me and send me back to square one. It's so hard to face getting clean when my future and reality is already defined by drugs and I'm only 17.
You do matter, though. You want to be clean for others, but you need to find that reason to be clean for yourself. Whether it's improving the quality of your life, having more control, or making sure you live past the age of your mum. If she lost you I'm sure that would be devastating. I understand that you can be easily tempted and triggered from negativity but you can build a support network around you to help cope with and overcome it. It will always be a challenge but the results are worth it. Honestly if you could do anything different this time, the one important thing would be to be honest about the relapse. Then you could say that things were different this time. That your situation is improving and you didn't get caught out. I hope you consider it. Lots of love.
@thjakie I want to be honest. I should tell her in the next few weeks I just need to work out how to do it and when to do it and then I need to force myself to actually do it... In terms of finding a reason that I want to be clean for me, I have no idea where to start but only I can find that out I guess. I have a strong support network I'm just so bad at reaching out and being honest I suppose, it's so complex and overwhelming it's easier to just push things away. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice ❤️
You're welcome. You mentioned 1-on-1 therapy not being your favourite. If the problem is the therapist you might want to consider seeking out a different therapist. Really all they do is listen, ask questions, and make you feel comfortable and safe. It's a good environment to figure things out for yourself like that reason to be clean. Eventually after you've talked long enough you should get to the root of the problem. But again, you'd have to be open and honest as much as possible. The more you hide from the feelings you don't want to face the more powerful they become, or rather the more power you give them over you. Everything is interconnected, and that's why things seem so complicated. But if you can figure out even a little on your own or with help, and take positive action, you'll find the web untangling and the problems that seemed so scary weren't actually that bad after all. I'm not intending to say your problems are small, but you aren't actually making things any better and you're making them more powerful than they need to be. I hope all goes well for you and you find those reasons you're searching for. We're here for you.
@thjakie I've spoken to my fair share of therapists and mental health professionals over the years and 1-1 therapy is something that has never worked for me, I find it impossible to sit and talk to someone I'm not comfortable with like that and I hate the pressure to say something and the uncomfortable silences and the feeling of the therapist looking at me, it makes me feel gross, it's kind of a suffocating feeling. It's definitely me and not the therapist. In therapy sessions when I was little I'd break down as soon I was left with the therapist. The root of the problem here is a lot of complex stuff spread across a long time, things that are really hard to cope with without drugs, which is why the comfort of being high is so rewarding and so hard to give up. It's like a trap. I can't improve mental illness wise whilst I'm using but the process of treatment and meds and such is too hard to go through whilst also keeping clean. You're right, yeah, I am making my problems a lot more powerful than they need to be, especially because I also have to deal with the things I can't control but I cant seem to stop myself. 😕
Thanks for opening up here and sharing your time. I can understand your situation with the pressure of what to say and with the awkward silences. But there's not anything really wrong you could say. If you don't feel comfortable sharing intimate stuff with someone like that in person perhaps you could tell them that and try to build a more trusting relationship with one that seems right for you at first. Maybe talk about some of your past which is less overwhelming or small things that bother you and work up your courage to talk about the more heavy stuff. You don't even need to talk about negative stuff. Maybe shift the focus on to what you've been trying to improve or what's been enjoyable for you or how supportive your friends have been. Really anything is on the table whatever is on your mind that you want to talk about. They're just there to listen. If the staring is bothering you try to convey that. We all need to let go of the things that are out of our control. You can't take responsibility or feel guilty over something you have no say in. Focus more on what you can change, and go from there. Thanks again for your effort in expressing yourself here. Take care of yourself.