Step 15: Monique’s Example

Given our general mistrust of punishment, we encourage changers to reward the small steps toward the goal and to ignore the old problem behavior. But Monique was having no part of it. Raised in a conservative religious house, Monique was uncomfortable with the idea of rewarding herself a lot. In her religious worldview, quick punishments were reserved for transgressions. In fact, she occasionally called her smoking, overeating, and smoking “sins” for which she should be punished. Alas, this worldview backfired in all of her previous attempts to change. Monique would literally “damn” herself for the original problem and rarely reward herself for her impressive changes since “I shouldn’t have to.” This was a self-defeating cycle from which Monique could not extricate herself.

I began reversing her downhill slide by asking Monique to accept another proven method of change and to emphasize worldly rewards, not spiritual damnation. She immediately acknowledged that her old view of rewards was neither successful nor sensible. It took only a few questions to get Monique to switch thinking modes. I asked her: “Are punishment and damnation how you are raising your children to think of themselves?” She snapped: “Of course not!” I smiled, we shared a laugh, and she got it. She then created a reward program, devoid of punishments, and mapped out a contingency contract with her husband for avoiding junk foods and desserts. One of the provisions in her contract with her husband was that if she ate only healthy foods for three days (no junk and no sweets), she’d receive a 20-minute foot massage in bed that, she bashfully shared, “led to other things in the bedroom.” Now that’s a reward system!