How do I let go of pent up anger towards an ex?
Last Updated: 02/18/2021 at 8:18pm
Paola Giordani, Psychoanalyst
I have helped and am helping people cope with loss, divorce, anguish and parenting. Depression is also a major issue that comes up.
Top Rated Answers
Go punch him in the face, or slap him. Or you can just make him feel bad, or you just be evil and ruin his life !!
Anger is the flip side of Love, a totally natural and very primal emotion that when addressed properly, can be healthy and cathartic to exercise out. The snag comes when we hold onto that anger for too long, or if we're angry at someone or something, no longer a part of our life. If anger has nowhere to go, and no healthy outlet to be released into, it can turn inwards and cause all kinds of trouble in our lives. As easy as it is to be told just to "let it go." the process itself can be very complicated and confusing. The most important aspect of anger is the resolution of it. Being able to forgive those who have angered us is just as much about giving ourselves peace as it is offering an olive branch. Like all emotions, developing coping tools for your emotional tool box is always a crucial aspect to effectively dealing with strong feelings. It should be noted that forgiveness certainly doesn't require forgetting, and if a person has hurt you, is toxic to you, or isn't an appropriate fit for your life, forgiving them doesn't mean you have to let them back in. Your wellbeing and mental health is always priority number 1! Some of the most effective ways to manage anger towards an individual no longer in the picture is to physically let them go, to do this I suggest a simple exercise with a very large impact. Write them a note with all of the reasons why you're angry, everything they did to hurt you, all of the feelings you feel and get it all out on paper. The idea isn't for them to ever read it, but for you to get all of your anger out and onto something physical, and when you feel ready, find a creative way to let go of both the letter, and your anger. You may want to tie it to some balloons and watch it float up and out of your life forever, have a bonfire and send that anger off viking style, or maybe you decide to make confetti and throw yourself a "letting go" party. Whichever you choose to do, keep in mind that as people with such wonderfully complicated lives, anger is a natural part of our interactions with other people. Striving for that anger to be healthy should be our goal, and taking time to get it all out and let it go in appropriate ways, can be just the thing needed to help get you back to your happy place. At the end of every dark night, there is the brightness of day. Be kind to yourself. Adam Castle BSW MSW CAC.
Realize that your ex is a person on their own journey, just like you are. We are all trying our best to be happy and your ex is no exception. Now is the time to focus on what matters: you. You tried your best with your ex and you may feel angry, but now is the time to let go and focus on healing yourself. By letting go of your anger you move one step towards healing yourself and that's what is important right now.
Instead of letting it go, use the anger for motivation. Your ex probably wants you to be unhappy. To spite them, become happy. Channel your anger into ambition and motivation to be the best you can be. Show your ex that you've moved on and become stronger, more confident, and happier.
Letting go of anger at an ex- or anyone for that matter- can truly be a lifetime process. I think the first step to truly letting it go is to be gentle on yourself, to acknowledge that it's okay if you forgive a little, then get angry again. Anger is a powerful emotion- and it has a lot to tell us. Can you sit with your anger? Can you be angry and not add guilt or shame on top of it? Sometimes (not always) anger is an emotion that tells us we missed our chance to say "no." Should you have said "no" at some crossroad? Knowing that your angry is from crossed boundaries can be helpful- it can teach you a boundary to think more about in the future. What else can that anger tell you about yourself and your life? Does it tell you that you need to slow down and breathe? Does it tell you a little bit about your own core values? Your emotions are just trying to get your attention- trying to help you learn and grow and move toward a balanced state of happiness. Letting go of unpleasant emotions is the work of a lifetime, and starts with gentle noticing.
accept the fact that the person is your 'ex'. A failed character of your own story.cover it with pity.
Breathe in. Breathe out. You have to just let this person go, no matter how much they hurt you. This is how you let go of pent up anger towards your ex. : )
Anger is the need to release our feelings and sometimes we need to talk it out with someone who's not emotionally connected. Go on, I'm listening.
They lost you its their fault not yours . you are too special for them to handle . Life goes on always
The idea is just to let go. What is done is done & always remember that there is Karma So let it be and move on.
Emotions involving ex's can be really difficult to process and control but it's important to remember that they are also human. It may be enough to help or it may be also helpful to talk to them about your anger and they may be able to help you reduce it
One technique that I've developed for dealing with anger towards exes is to write them a letter, and as soon as you finish it, destroy it. You can say anything you want this way, and you'll be able to organize your thoughts in a clear and logical manner.
Understanding. I always tell people I help with relationships that it's not important whether or not you accept what has happened, but whether you understand what has happened. Once you understand why the situation has happened. Once you understand yours, as well as theirs, views and stances. Then one can release such anger and allow them to be who they are and continue to walk their path.
Remember that they lost an amazing person, and you are stronger without them. Also remember that the anger only hurts you, it doesn't help.
i try to work. do things i love the most, things i did when i had space from her. which doesn't involve her.
It takes time, but eventually you let go. You realize they're no longer part of your life and it's probably for the best. Give yourself time to heal, to feel the emotions that you are feeling. Realize there is no right or wrong way to let go of the emotions you feel towards your ex.
Forgive and forget. By letting so much anger build up toward an ex, you're letting them control your life, thoughts and emotions. Move on and move up!
The best way to let out your anger, write it down, repeat it to yourself, and most importantly talk about it with someone you can confide in. Another thing to think about which is hard for some, is to reflect on their own actions and if it had any effect on the relationship. When you can forgive and come to terms with what happened, then you can move on. Anger will only recycle feelings and can become toxic and unhealthy. By revisiting the last chapter and rereading it, you'll never write the next. Just remember that.
I'm still working on this myself. I find that the more I fill my life with other things that don't involve my ex, the more I am able to move past the anger. I think accepting some of the responsibility in the failure of the relationship has helped to. Realizing that there were two people that contributed to the mess that became our lives, helps me too. I can focus on how to make my next relationship better.
Realise that emotional reactions will not solve anything and that in time you must learn to release yourself from that anger. Anger is a binding chain, the sooner you stop being angry, the sooner you'll feel free
You accept that what happened is all in the past and that you cant change that but you can change the future:)
Do the things you wanted to do in the first place. Only you get to define who you are. Forgiving them is solely for your benefit.
Do something you love,you have to take your mind out of it.Go out,shopp 'till you drop,marathoon watch a movie,read books,try to make anything else a priority!
You will learn to let go when the time comes, Time doesn't heal your pain nor cool your anger, it just numb your feeling and you feel empty in them
That just takes time.. If we don't dwell on it, it starts to dissipate.. Disconnect yourself from it all..
Acceptance is a MUST. Just accept the fact that whatever happened is done and anger doesn't help it.
The relationship ended for a reason (or reasons). And no one person is 100% responsible for it. Each person contributes their share. So its important to learn from the mistakes one made, learn from the lesson that you got out of that relationship and use them as a stepping stone to move on to a better one. Looking back doesn't solve anything. Trying to channelize the rage into something positive like volunteering, helping others etc will help in reducing the rage.
In my experience I just let myself be angry with them. I would recommend not being in contact with them during this time. After a while being angry just didn't seem like it was worth my energy or time anymore and I got over them. If you feel like your anger is lasting a unreasonably long period of time you may want try a different way of releaving your anger.
Think of him/her as someone who doesn't hold any value and it would be worthless to waste your time and energy on him/her by steeping down at his/her level. Otherwise, you could just take a pillow and hit it hard until it's shattered. Think of the pillow as your ex.
When I feel angry, I like to listen to upbeat music that makes me feel empowered. Catchy girl band pop songs are my go-to. Gotta sing to it really loudly too. Add some dancing, and you can get out a lot of anger.
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