Applehorse Member Profile

Abandoned when Unwell

Depression Support / by Applehorse

August 28th

...See more I wanted to keep this to myself. But I am too hurt that I give a damn about publicising it. This happened over this recent week till now. ------------------------- Review Past 1 week i've been down with some bug. from flu to gastric flu. Saw doctor then last night been suffering with gastric-heartburn hiccups. Damn scary. couldn't sleep much have booked doc appt 6 x last night i threw up along with bad stools while feeling heartburn. I don't have a supportive family (folks). I thought they will emphasize....but instead (as below) ______________ Wed 26 Aug Woke up this morning really tired .... and my family (folks) instead of caring to listen .. insisting to take flu medicines....refusing to accept a 'gastric cough' and more concerned about it being passed to them! My mom insisting its asthmatic (when my lungs are clear and there been no fever at all) My dad with his own strong flu and refusing to see the doctor himself ... yet can demand I see the doctor and tell doc that: i've fever, cough, cold and stomach flu to get all the medicines _________________ Wed Evening: "Mom asks what's happening to you? And as I began telling she says "Not asking for your opinion, What the doctor said is happening? no need to give your own theory!" This bit hurt me most. They are in 70s. ______________ Dinner (wed) I wanting to eat alone. They making a big deal Dinner: oats bowl Dad: "So sick, don't know to be humble and thank us for cooking for him. No smile, only grouch face. He gets sick his problem!" It's hard to eat oats Had to poop: watery Then mom sits across me demanding i finish the oats. Insisting it's better i finish the oats and vomit, than eat less than half the bowl, and keep stomach empty! Ofc i refuse. Dad gets angry telling mom that: "if he wants to starve it's not your problem. If he wants to give so much trouble and be so immature to not even manage myself! Mom then comments "not earning anything, still giving us trouble with sickness. You've no fever. Than why acting sick and making a big deal? If Now you already so week, You suffer when you reach our age, thankfully we won't around to witness. But until we are alive stop torturing us ok??! _______________ Thu 27 Aug early AM. This night i slept throughout, only getting up twice to burp and use the loo. Still took my antacid syrup. So am guessing its getting better. It's dawning on me at 3.45am at how much my own parents despise me. (no siblings) I don't know why. I am not looking for their validation, but still why eludes me.

Been Whammied since October 2025

35 & Over Community / by Applehorse

December 10th, 2025

I am just too battered 😭😭😭😭

Depression Support / by Applehorse

December 9th, 2025

...See more The Background to this Post [https://www.7cups.com/forum/depression/PeerSupportDepressionQA_213/DeepDepressionStressAloneinaToxicNarcenvironment_367858/?post=4003559] To add to these ------------------------- December 1st My assistant resigned, leaving me alone with 3 businesses to keep and recover. My assistant resigned, because I'll not pay her, as my payments went straight to her creditors. ------------------------- Then my PC loses its wifi driver - just disappears and my monitor has full of overlay and flickering. Meaning i cannot do any work whatsoever. Sent it to the shop, but for 1 week they sat on it, citing lack of manpower and that the outsourcing vendor won't backup my partitions before to completely wipe and reinstall my pc! They will only wipe my system clean it seems! In addition to that, i got a bit of viral flu that clogged my ear. And my specs frame and lens broke. Financially I'm also living on dwindling savings. ------------------------- While I'm under a lot of stress. And my parents can gaslight when i vent not to them but just to my house, they demanding I calm down and be grateful to them. They try to make decisions for me and pressure me to accept it, even though i don't need it and they don't care to know what's really happening. And my parents are adding on pressure by hounding and demanding i spend on a new PC etc. While And about how better get it done soon as they are too old and ridiculous to expect them to support me. Doesn't help that they keep reminding me to find new PC! ________ The more setbacks and gaslighting from family determined to undermine and underplay my issues, and adding to it will health shaming my indigestion and sinus and weight issues. They demand to know what i want to do, and since I am in a limbo.. They are trying to make and impose decisions on me, without knowing or caring to know my situation They won't shutshut even when i have a headache. But when they want: quiet everybody must go shh shh and give them space??? while they will talk loudly and feed me what to say when i am on a call, making the other caller uncomfortable or irritated with me.

Deep Depression, Stress, Alone in a Toxic Narc environment

Depression Support / by Applehorse

November 5th, 2025

...See more I am all Alone in Depression in Narc environment. It's Too Much Stress. I just don't know where to talk or cry. Both my businesses income streams got cut and denied at the same time. One is an e-commerce, the other investment startup to expand retail investment I was doing with broker. Sounds big woo haa right? No. ------------------------- My Family never supported my self employment, instead daily criticism, snide remarks, naysaying, dictating my choices (not that I listen), trying to interrupt me & demand help when I am on an important call, demanding respect ...etc facing heavy gunfire from Naysaying Karens at home .... So While i tided my self with retail investment profits, my business has faced to setback after setback .. to just setup: * How ridicluous this is? - how many of you have opened accounts of amzon, e-bay, lazada, etc??? When I tried it, personal or business .... I faced numerous serbacks and almost all of them are stuck in one stage or another of registration. That is just 1 part of an example. Every * I had to change from Shopify to Wix and some others .... before even opening a website .... just to be needing to learn a whole new programming language to do some checkout data connections. - Poof. E-brake! * Every step, something new and unique issue! So While facing heavy gunfire from Naysaying Karens at home .... I've had to research and figure out a novel ways around for each ... ------------------------- So i came up with something: - My Business Runnable with my mostly my own meagre resources and excel sheets, unconventional origins for websites, which turns out to be secure in a novel way. - My investment decided to hire someone to execute my strategy since i've my legs in 2 places. But for that I need a corporate account. Once i got that i was make make income so I can secure my biz more. - I thought I had *** as a reliable payment link to start business That was in mid September. 🙂 ------------------------- Then.... * ***: decides to invite me to Integrate my Platform. Since it's my own ... conventional integration not possible. Up they needed my update in particulars as well. I updated ...and I got banned. As in: " You account has been restricted, we will no longer deal with you" they will not even entertain me at the outset! So much for quickly marketing and inviting customers to pay securely. huh? after 5 F*king years of F*king setbacks that are not my fault! huh ??? Oh It aint over yet... * My Trusted Broker: Started phasing out the platform I am using, recommending another platform that is make it SO > 60% more difficult to read the market to invest right. - They become practically Inaccessible on phone, locally. The chat bot that leads no where - The email felt dry ... but managed to get someone (customer rep) who called me up. [2 weeks to get someone where it used to be 10 mins in a simple call] * MY Trusted Broker's Corporate Account: Naturally I applied. After 3.5 weeks - they reply back with a hostile: "Your application has not been approved, This is final". - And the customer rep they got me, was equally hostile and formal repeats "It's Final" (as an email reply can you beleive??" So without a corporate account, no hiring nobody. and I've got no platform or investment and trading means to execute what I need, where I am from. and I've a clear business income stream cut. all at the same time. SO just like that All my Income Streams came to a Grinding Halt. And I've to bootstrap again. Over the month of Oct and sleepless nights, I've figured somethig out. And also realise * my bank balance is heading towards reserves * me entire body, sinus, dry skin, gut, joints, are all flaring up and cramping and aching like its flu, vision getting more myopic giving me health scares are the worst time. I don't if I should get angry with myself or just give up, an throw it all away. But then it's damn survival situation! ------------------------- When you hope people around will understand. They are demanding to know why I am so sad. and before I can reply (not that I do), they demand that I change my expression because they don't like it. I don't and double down on my emotion. I hate needing to control myself from going Rocky-Rambo on any narc types. Not because I am afraid of them as they are infuriating, but because I find its a waste of my energy. I have been too patient all my life, and I have not reached the cut loose, pop the fuse point yet. Am I a fool?? Some history with my family and folks * Mom got the entire extended family against me for choosing to go self employed years ago. EVERYBODY took her side and hounded me apply or jobs (of which 4000 prior ones didn't even call). But my first self employment gig got me my income. not regular interviews. * When I had the money at least 10 years ago now ... I deposited $1000 monthly into their account, after a whole year ... they insisted I did not give them a cent, while simultaneously demanding I thank them with gratitude for supporting my financially! * When it comes to bills: They will stash it all, pay the bills, then chide me from not contributing to them * SO I Stopped giving my money to them, since they did not value my efforts. * But it did not stop them from telling EVERYONE that I am the reason they are forced to work, because of me ------------------------- Say this because mom got a notice for her retirement. She has a little payout fund that is more than enough to keep the family running (excluding me). She was not happy. She spent the past 2 days lamenting on and on about not wanting retirement because she cannot earn money to support the house. And did not hesistate to demand why I did not sympathise with her depression. Dad followed that with litany of confrontations about how heartless & ungrateful I am to 2 old folks ... repeating and demanding if I've given them even 1 cent. and how useless I am for not giving grandchildren and happiness. Not caring that I spend the whole last 2 months and now needing to rehaul my entire business and investemnt engines all with own version and self. I am in the process, worse time to not have income ------------------------- I am alone, scared. and sick that and angry that my life is not set, unlike normal others it seems with families and all that. On one hand I wanna give up. On the other hand I came up with some ideas. But setback after setback. I am tired, What is the point of trying to succeed anymore? Who cares if I don't succeed? the world will go on without me contrinuting anything. SO why try.. I am sorry for the ultra long thread. Sorry if I went out of point I am tired and dunno what the heck to do. I am just lost, so lost 😭😭😭😭

My Life has been a series of failures for decades. I am tired, jaded and lost fool

35 & Over Community / by Applehorse

June 14th

...See more My Life has been a series of failures for decades. I am tired, jaded and lost fool. I am 40 this year and completely ashamed of myself. I've failed to: ~ Achieve my life dreams in time (when all my peers are thriving well settled with career & family) ~ Thrive in my Self Employment: Business in fields of my passions. When i started I had my mojo and things were growing reasonably for a while. then lost my mojo and struggling to build it back up My Life Dream during my personal best times (3 years) ... were these: 1] Get a Scholarship: was a 90% student, athlete, deep intellectual research. singing, engineering passion etc 2] Begin my Business: Pooling all my talents and creative energy to empower lives. 3] Settle with my own Family All within usual age of 20-30s. Anything wrong with that?? esp when most peers do that? ------------------------- ~ On the day week of the major examinations ... I got nervous breakdown (despite being positive and excited) forgot all my points, understood nothing, forgot my English grammar ~ Instead of 90+% I ended up barely passing the examination with life-long record of it to boot. ~ Life after that was a downward spiral the more i tried to rise up till today. ~ While i hate working under others instructions, I did for 3-4 years apply for every job in all valid sectors upon my graduation from 26-30. few 1000s job - to start me off I got NONE of them. I did some part time gigs ..worked hard ... but got let go for not being a fit. While i worked hard ... I hated every moment of being employee. ~ My family (folks extended fam): Narc Toxic (folks) and family of enablers (since they are doing well). Massive family showdown happens at 30 ... because tired of getting nothing, i decided to start freelance towards my dreams. I became the useless black sheep and scapegoat. to this Day. ~ My freelance work began being a tutor, then added FX trading (which for a few years i was nailing 3-5% daily, but with limited capital from excess of other income.). in 2020 I tried to add building an E-business. ~ I lead a simple personal life on a budget < $500. I end up spending my less like $200-300 monthly only ... so its more than enough for other essential expenses. the rest of my income in savings. ~ Tutor income was limited by my being a solo tutor (offline). ~ My Fx capital was limited by profitablity + top ups from being a tutor. I kept both a levels I could afford. ~ except that the savings and everything .... while more than enough to support my survival is not enough to get my own place. ------------------------- And then in the pandemic period....Lots of things happened .... 1. I lost my FX mojo. most trading decisions are wrong, and does not help that when i progress, now i am allowed 10-20% per trade. So its pointless I top up capital .. unless I trade right! I hate myself so much because ppl who do this by now are usually multi-millionaires? How am I working? 2. Tutorships dwindled to nothing this year. with everything going online as well. I am tryign to transition into coaching courses ... but marketing has yielded no results. 3. E-Business: over 2 years .... hardly any sales with initial version and had to keep modifying business model and researching to make it work. At my wits end. ------------------------- My folks have retired but doing part time. Using that to gaslight and blame shift and the whole works. Interrupt my work etc...I work from home yes. They love to praise themselves and compare. I can only ignore so much. They have their monthly annuity source though. They expect me to sponsor the whole house expenses. Does not help that my own health is showing its signs from less than in 20s. I know I need to exercise and all. But doing so reminds me of my failures and I instantly lose motivation. Forcing myself ironically tenses me up ... which becomes dangerous to exercise then. Let alone hating myself for not haveing my fire in me Still getting my own place to live. As in my country ... its mighty expensive and i can only go for private property due to regulations. ------------------------- I am 40 and have lost my sense of purpose in life. I do not know what I am going forth towards. It feels I am just heading towards senility and grave. I feel I am past all the usual life establishment chekcpoints but am at Zero. I am afraid anyone reading this ... may conclude I am just giving excuses. I know I am not. I am fighting and fighting for decades to have my personal life, space and way - away from toxicity. Just keep face planting. Seeing others thriving simply adds on to my sense of failure. I am Lost, Jaded, Sad What should my next step be?

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