Been Whammied since October 2025
Since October I've been in the worst shape of my life, physically but mostly mentally and emotionally 100x more.
In September - October, i suddenly had both income streams cut off, because of changes by 3rd parties.
These are the details from my post in Depression forum:
1] Deep Depression, Stress, Alone in a Toxic Narc environment
It didn't stop there I faced more setbacks till even yesterday night.
Now i sit here completely stuck not sure which direction to start for the day. I'll roll somewhere where the wind takes me,
but to think even venting in my room at home, brings the roof down makes me so angry. And angrier that I've to control myself from physically lashing out even then
I feel like i should just hate myself for being born.
@Applehorse You’ve been dealing with an incredible amount of loss and stress all at once, so it makes sense that you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and unsure where to even start. Losing both income streams, living in a toxic environment, and facing setback after setback would push anyone to their limits. This isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign you’ve been carrying too much for too long.
And i haven't even begun climbing the mountain yet. In the form of setting everything up.
@Applehorse keep trying, what I'd recommend is finding something you truly care about and turning that into your ladder back to wherever you want to go. It could be anything, from reading to video games, find something you can connect with others on and pour yourself into it
What i am doing is indeed all my passions in one package. It's what I've been pouring myself into.
It's why it hits really hard. Coz everything else ends up in terms of my passions. Especially when external factors keep throwing pins in
Dear @Applehorse
Even in storms that never end,
your reaching hand is proof of strength.
You are not a mistake;
you are a survivor,
and even one small step
is a victory against despair.
I hear the depth of what you've been going through since October. Losing both income streams so suddenly, facing hostile changes from platforms and brokers, and then being surrounded by a toxic environment at home, it's no wonder you feel battered. The way you described in your first post, "Deep Depression, Stress, Alone in a Toxic Narc environment", shows how isolating it has been when even venting in your own room brings criticism and anger.
And in your second post, "I'm just too battered", you shared how the setbacks kept piling up, your assistant resigning, your PC breaking down, health struggles, and family pressure. That kind of relentless strain would overwhelm anyone. Feeling stuck, angry, and exhausted is not weakness; it's the natural response to being hit from every side without relief.
Please know this: your existence is not a mistake. The fact that you continue to reach out here, even when you feel like you have nothing left, is proof of strength. You are surviving circumstances that would break many, and that matters.
When the weight feels unbearable, the way forward doesn't have to be a grand plan. Sometimes it's one small act: stepping outside for air, writing down a single thought, or allowing yourself to rest without guilt. These small steps are not trivial; they are ways of reclaiming control when the world feels chaotic.
You are seen here, and your pain is valid. Even if the wind feels like it's carrying you aimlessly, you still have the power to choose one gentle direction at a time. And in this community, you are not alone.
It's hardest when you are just trying to mind your own life and business literally, not asking for anyone's time or favour or money either for there to even be a Quid Pro Quo obligation.
How can doing what everyone else is doing right ... lead to such tailored interruptions for me? Am I supposed to be fascinated with Life, that itself seems to be alive?
The existence pain comes from having your passions and choices stopped. If you can't have your will exercised for yourself what's the point then?
Even a snail chooses to wiggle to food to satisfy it's own hunger.
Somehow i managed to backup my pc partitions externally while my screen is practically a lightning storm. Was told that it means the display system could crash anytime.
Next i guess is going around to figure out who can fix what seems to be hardware and network issues. It'll take a while.
Realised i can still do some trading on my phone new android, albeit with a new warning that my updated browser is not supported by their app! 😁🤨🥺. Borrowed time huh?
Re-downloading from Playstore does nothing to change this. I'll just make money while they allow. Need to set pc and Biz up before the app and my bank balance reaches 0.
Hahaha I'll just laugh anyway 😂🥹😔
Somehow even mindlessly I keep rolling.
All your comments keep me together and bring sense to my situation. So am grateful for it.
