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BerenTinuviel
4 2,509 M Hopeful Heart 5
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts118 Forum posts19 Forum upvotes48 Current upvotes48 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2026 Member sinceApril 9, 2026
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3 Years Since I lost my brother
General Support / by BerenTinuviel
Last post
 9 minutes ago
...See more I spoke a little about this before elsewhere, but today is three years since my younger brother's passing. I really don't want to isolate today. That's what I've done in the past and I know I need to ask for help more.  I'm only just starting to figure out my emotions on all this, seeing all the buried pain. Seeing how I typically had to handle my emotions on my own when I was younger because I didn't want to be an additional burden when my brother was in and out of the hospital. And then I wonder why I isolate now. Things are getting better, but it doesn't feel like it. My wife, counselor, and friends are showing me it's ok to hurt, to be upset, and to let others into that space with me. Maybe most importantly, but also the most difficult part, is that God often doesn't calm the storm first- He calls us to Him in the middle of it. It's so easy to get distracted by those storms, to get fearful, and to want to turn away from it. But that isn't how we get through it.  I don't know how to get through it. I just know the next step can't be towards the things that so easily numb what I feel. I don't know if I fully know what it means to sit with God in the midst of a storm, but I know I have to be willing to be in it to start with.  I don't know if all of that makes sense. I'm having a hard time making sense of all of this myself. But I don't want to just get through today. I want to be present today. I want to let the emotions come up and have their space. And I want to post here because truthfully, I just need some support. I've received a lot of kindness from reaching out on here when it's too hard to open up in person. And I'm so grateful for that. I just don't want to be alone today 🩵
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3 Years Later…its still a hard week
Grief & Loss / by BerenTinuviel
Last post
 Tuesday
...See more 3 years ago this Friday, my younger brother died. He was 20. 20 years was longer than he should’ve made it. He was born with severe intestine and kidney problems which he shouldn’t have survived. He had more surgeries than I could ever count and multiple transplants. Then, just over 3 years ago and a month after my wedding, he was diagnosed with cancer. Aggressive. It only took three months. I don’t even remember what I did two years ago at this time. Almost definitely isolated, but it’s pretty much blocked out. Last year I isolated so bad for the months leading up to it. To the point I almost thought I’d pushed my wife away. This year though, I’m trying to be different. I’ve been in counseling. I’ve cried—really cried—for the first time since my brother passed. For so long I just couldn’t. I don’t know why, but the tears just wouldn’t come. But now they do, and they’re welcome. I’m only just beginning to understand how not only his death, but the years of him in and out of the hospital have affected me. I’m beginning to grieve not only the loss of him, but the loss of the childhood we didn’t get to have. I’m tired of giving away my pain to distractions. Hiding from what’s hurting. For once, I want to sit with this and remember. I’ve learned it’s ok to hurt and to cry. It’s needed even. But it’s hard. So I’m just going to do my best this week. And maybe if someone asks how I’m doing, I’ll be honest this time and let someone sit with me.
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Yay progress!
General Support / by BerenTinuviel
Last post
 October 1st
...See more It has honestly been a rough month or two and especially the last couple of weeks have been really difficult. I was feeling almost numb and just having no desire to turn to things that would normally help. But today, I finally started to feel myself coming back. Laughs felt less hollow. Things I enjoy felt more restful. And tonight I finally sat down to read my Bible again and felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. And now I feel like crying. I know that doesn’t sound positive but when I started counseling a year ago, I said that I wanted to be able to cry, because it felt like even when I needed to, I couldn’t. It’s not much tonight, but it’s there. I’m trying to be more open about the hard things I face, which has always been difficult for me. But I also want to celebrate the wins that come. I’m grateful for this place I can come to be vulnerable. So here’s to making it—one happy tear at a time 🥲
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When will the roses not have thorns?
General Support / by BerenTinuviel
Last post
 August 15th
...See more Most days, I wake up ready for the day. I wake up with a wife who loves me. A good job. A relationship with God which fills and sustains me. I laugh with friends. I smile when it rains. I’m learning to let go of the things in the world which anger me. I’m learning that there is balance between joy and the grief felt from loss. I’m learning. And yet… Some days I wake up and the same thoughts and feelings which have held me down for so long gnaw at the edges of my mind. I notice it in happy moments, a shadow in the back of my mind. And I know the next few days will be a battle. I wake up fearing I will lose my wife. Either to illness or that I will fail her. These thoughts are mostly irrational. Yet they still scare me. My job becomes a fear as well—I’m not good enough. I don’t know what I’m doing. Sometimes I’m not totally sure those ones are irrational. Sometimes I feel I’m drifting God. It isn’t so much that I don’t trust Him as it is I don’t trust myself. Which is the whole point—I’m supposed to trust His faithfulness where I’m falling short. Yet it’s so hard to feel that as well as know it. The title is my question: when will good days not be marred by the shadows in my mind? When will I heal enough that my brain no longer decides what will be a good day and what will be a bad day? That the gloom doesn’t settle on my mind just because it decides it’s time. I don’t know if there’s an answer to that. And I may wish I hadn’t wrote this tomorrow. Maybe the answer lies somewhere in understanding why I fall back into bad frames of mind. I feel moody at the moment and I want to know why. My therapist tells me that feeling things deeply is my superpower, not my weakness. Sometimes I’d prefer a different power. I hope this makes sense, but it feels a little bit better to get it out. I think I’m healing, but nights like tonight don’t feel like healing.
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When you realize your parents are just normal people too
General Support / by BerenTinuviel
Last post
 June 29th
...See more This is partly a vent and partly seeking thoughts of other people who’ve gone through similar experiences or maybe just have more emotional maturity than me lol. About two and half years ago, my younger brother lost a brief battle with cancer and Jesus called him home. He had medical problems all his life. And then there was cancer. I had tried counseling after, but couldn’t really process what had happened. A year ago I started again and in the past two months finally began to feel like I’m making progress—by going backwards. I’ve begun to unpack things that I hadn’t ever talked about. Both with my counselor and my wife. I love my parents. They set a remarkable example of strength for me growing up. But I’ve also begun to realize, seemingly for the first time, that they didn’t get everything right. This isn’t a post to bash parents. But an acknowledgement. Sometimes things happen that hurt you in ways you don’t understand when you’re a kid. It’s not your fault. It’s not even necessarily your parents’ fault. Sometimes life’s just hard. My mom spent so much time in the hospital looking after my brother. My older brother was at college when I was in high school. So much of that time, it was just my dad and I at home. And I saw how beaten down he was. How he was tired in a way that sleep can’t fix. Something I’ve seen in myself at times. But I didn’t think about it then. I didn’t know how much that affected me. Don’t be a burden. Handle things on my own. Don’t add to the stress. Now, my younger brother is gone. I don’t live at home. Hours away, in fact. But I hear that same weight when I call home. My mom doesn’t talk much, even when I visit. They go through the motions of life. And I want to fix it. But I can’t. And I see now that that’s always been the case. That I expected myself to fix things that I couldn’t fix. I carried things I wasn’t meant to carry. So how do I care without trying to solve everything? I’m curious if others here have gone through this. Realizing your parents are just like you—trying to do the best we can in a difficult world. They’re not perfect. I want to help them, but I’m only just now starting to get the help for myself that I’ve needed. So I don’t have answers. And in one sense, that’s relieving. But in another, it still feels like I need to fix things. If you read all this way, thanks for listening and if you have thoughts, it’s all welcome :)
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