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BerenTinuviel
13 2,152 M Hopeful Heart 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts92 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes26 Current upvotes26 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceApril 9, 2026
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When will the roses not have thorns?
General Support / by BerenTinuviel
Last post
 August 15th
...See more Most days, I wake up ready for the day. I wake up with a wife who loves me. A good job. A relationship with God which fills and sustains me. I laugh with friends. I smile when it rains. I’m learning to let go of the things in the world which anger me. I’m learning that there is balance between joy and the grief felt from loss. I’m learning. And yet… Some days I wake up and the same thoughts and feelings which have held me down for so long gnaw at the edges of my mind. I notice it in happy moments, a shadow in the back of my mind. And I know the next few days will be a battle. I wake up fearing I will lose my wife. Either to illness or that I will fail her. These thoughts are mostly irrational. Yet they still scare me. My job becomes a fear as well—I’m not good enough. I don’t know what I’m doing. Sometimes I’m not totally sure those ones are irrational. Sometimes I feel I’m drifting God. It isn’t so much that I don’t trust Him as it is I don’t trust myself. Which is the whole point—I’m supposed to trust His faithfulness where I’m falling short. Yet it’s so hard to feel that as well as know it. The title is my question: when will good days not be marred by the shadows in my mind? When will I heal enough that my brain no longer decides what will be a good day and what will be a bad day? That the gloom doesn’t settle on my mind just because it decides it’s time. I don’t know if there’s an answer to that. And I may wish I hadn’t wrote this tomorrow. Maybe the answer lies somewhere in understanding why I fall back into bad frames of mind. I feel moody at the moment and I want to know why. My therapist tells me that feeling things deeply is my superpower, not my weakness. Sometimes I’d prefer a different power. I hope this makes sense, but it feels a little bit better to get it out. I think I’m healing, but nights like tonight don’t feel like healing.
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When you realize your parents are just normal people too
General Support / by BerenTinuviel
Last post
 June 29th
...See more This is partly a vent and partly seeking thoughts of other people who’ve gone through similar experiences or maybe just have more emotional maturity than me lol. About two and half years ago, my younger brother lost a brief battle with cancer and Jesus called him home. He had medical problems all his life. And then there was cancer. I had tried counseling after, but couldn’t really process what had happened. A year ago I started again and in the past two months finally began to feel like I’m making progress—by going backwards. I’ve begun to unpack things that I hadn’t ever talked about. Both with my counselor and my wife. I love my parents. They set a remarkable example of strength for me growing up. But I’ve also begun to realize, seemingly for the first time, that they didn’t get everything right. This isn’t a post to bash parents. But an acknowledgement. Sometimes things happen that hurt you in ways you don’t understand when you’re a kid. It’s not your fault. It’s not even necessarily your parents’ fault. Sometimes life’s just hard. My mom spent so much time in the hospital looking after my brother. My older brother was at college when I was in high school. So much of that time, it was just my dad and I at home. And I saw how beaten down he was. How he was tired in a way that sleep can’t fix. Something I’ve seen in myself at times. But I didn’t think about it then. I didn’t know how much that affected me. Don’t be a burden. Handle things on my own. Don’t add to the stress. Now, my younger brother is gone. I don’t live at home. Hours away, in fact. But I hear that same weight when I call home. My mom doesn’t talk much, even when I visit. They go through the motions of life. And I want to fix it. But I can’t. And I see now that that’s always been the case. That I expected myself to fix things that I couldn’t fix. I carried things I wasn’t meant to carry. So how do I care without trying to solve everything? I’m curious if others here have gone through this. Realizing your parents are just like you—trying to do the best we can in a difficult world. They’re not perfect. I want to help them, but I’m only just now starting to get the help for myself that I’ve needed. So I don’t have answers. And in one sense, that’s relieving. But in another, it still feels like I need to fix things. If you read all this way, thanks for listening and if you have thoughts, it’s all welcome :)
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