3 Years Since I lost my brother

I spoke a little about this before elsewhere, but today is three years since my younger brother's passing. I really don't want to isolate today. That's what I've done in the past and I know I need to ask for help more. 

I'm only just starting to figure out my emotions on all this, seeing all the buried pain. Seeing how I typically had to handle my emotions on my own when I was younger because I didn't want to be an additional burden when my brother was in and out of the hospital. And then I wonder why I isolate now. Things are getting better, but it doesn't feel like it. My wife, counselor, and friends are showing me it's ok to hurt, to be upset, and to let others into that space with me.

Maybe most importantly, but also the most difficult part, is that God often doesn't calm the storm first- He calls us to Him in the middle of it. It's so easy to get distracted by those storms, to get fearful, and to want to turn away from it. But that isn't how we get through it. 

I don't know how to get through it. I just know the next step can't be towards the things that so easily numb what I feel. I don't know if I fully know what it means to sit with God in the midst of a storm, but I know I have to be willing to be in it to start with. 

I don't know if all of that makes sense. I'm having a hard time making sense of all of this myself. But I don't want to just get through today. I want to be present today. I want to let the emotions come up and have their space. And I want to post here because truthfully, I just need some support. I've received a lot of kindness from reaching out on here when it's too hard to open up in person. And I'm so grateful for that. I just don't want to be alone today 🩵