Bonkysocks Member Profile

I just want to forget

Trauma Support / by Bonkysocks

December 16th, 2022

Any advice on how to deal with this? BIG TW (SA)

General Support / by Bonkysocks

December 11th, 2022

Help me please

7 Cups Online Therapy / by Bonkysocks

November 17th, 2022

...See more Hi. I’ve posted twice on this forum before. I got some kind feedback, but no answered that I was looking for. If there even is an answer. So I’ll be really clear, me and my sister need help. My situation has gotten worse and it will never get better. I need an answer, an option of something I could do. I don’t need your kind words about how you hope that my life gets better, I need someone to have the answer for me. My mother is a narcissist, a manipulator, and just a horrible person. And all my dad does is defend her. He loves her that much. we have a lot of problems in our household, and none of them ever get solved. They either pretend it never happened, make me and my sister the bad guy when it really wasn’t our fault, or occasionally my dad might apologize for something my mom did. The communication skills in my household are horrible, and I can’t fix it. I’m not asking how to fix my parents, there isn’t fixing them, believe me. I want to know if there is any way for me and my sister to get out of this household. I won’t go into details about the things my mother has done because I already have on one of my other posts. Just believe me when I say I wouldn’t wish this situation on my worst enemy. Me and my sister need to get out. I’m 16 and my sister is 18. My sister had been doing online school since she started highschool, so around 4-5 years ago. I started when I got to highschool, (both for personal reasons…mine had to do with Covid) ever since then, me and my sister have been sheltered from the outside world. Not completely, sometimes I would go grocery shopping or something like that with my dad. It was pretty occasional. My sister is a legal adult now and can move out, but she can’t. 1 she can’t and wouldn’t leave me here, she already has expressed that. 2…she has no money. She has no way to get money. And she won’t atleast until January 23rd. You see, last October my parents went on a trip to Vegas. We were home alone for 5 days. My parents had put all important documents (including mine and my sisters birth certificates) in a secret space in our house. No one robbed us or anything. But when they got back all the documents were there besides our birth certificates. And if you happen to not know this, you can’t get a job without a form of identification. We had none now. No drivers licenses or ids, and now no birth certificates. (I have reason to believe my mother hid them, I’ll tell you why in a minute) it happened to be really coincidendental that after they would come back from Vegas, me and my sister were planning on getting jobs. Well, obviously that couldn’t happen. They looked for our certificates and never found them. And I guess they wanted a really long time before ordering new ones for some reason. But fast forward to today, they ordered our birth certificates 6 months ago, and they got news that the latest we would receive them is January 23rd. So no job 🤷🏻‍♀️ But that also means we can’t take our geds. Me and my sister quite school a while ago and we have been studying for our geds, but we have to wait to take that now too. Cause you need a form of Id to take it. Yay. So that’s been our life for a while. So we have no jobs, no money. So my sister can’t even leave if she wanted to. I can’t even get emancipated. It costs 300$ to ASK to get emancipated. And you have to prove you can financially support yourself, which I obviously can’t. So that’s also out. I have one family member (my oldest sister, she’s 27) who we stayed with for 3 months this summer because of a situation that happened with my parents. It was…bad. Really bad. The trip wasn’t planned at all. We got into a huge argument and they sent us off to our sisters. We hoped they would do some recollection, news flash, they didn’t. But our sister cannot financially support 2 teens that can’t support themselves. It’s understandable. But it still sucks. If she could financially support us, she would battle custody of us against my parents, or atleast me since my other sister is 18. But that won’t happen. So that’s also out. I have no other family that we could live with or battle custody of us. I’ve….considered calling cps, but from the stories I’ve heard it might end up making things worse. They would have to notify my parents that I called them. Or someone called them which they would obviously know it was me or my sister. And if an investigation does happen, they might not do anything. That will just add fuel to this situation. And then say something does happen, it will most likely only happen to me. I’m the minor, not my sister. At most she’d be put in a group home, and I might too, but we will most likely be separated. I can’t live like that. Who knows, it could be better than this, but I can’t be separated from my sister, I just can’t, and then there’s a chance weather we are separated or not that I will be put into a horrible home. Maybe worse than what I’m already in. So it’s REALLY risky. I need someone to think and let me know if there is ANY other reasonable option I could choose. Cause idk how much longer we can live here. PLEASE.

Update

7 Cups Online Therapy / by Bonkysocks

October 5th, 2022

...See more I posted something on this forum 20 days ago. This is just an update. I’m at a loss for words. Every time something even slightly good happens in my life something bad always happens. Nothing really too good has happened since 20 days ago. Everything is the same mostly, no good development in my life. But I’ve been finding really small ways to cope, just with games I like to play. Me and my sister found a game she used to play, fallout 4. So we both decided to re play it, it’s really fun and now I’m hyper fixated on it. Hyperfixations are usually how I get through life, or at least how I’ve been getting through life. Weather if it’s with an object, a game, a food, a show. It’s all I do. It help, at least slightly. Nothing has been necessarily progressing in my life so things like this make me as happy as I could be. My period just ended as well. I’ve been on it for about 3 months, I hope it doesn’t come back in a few days like it usually does, I can never get a break with that. But of course it all just had to go down hill. One of my dogs (we have 3) has been sick for a while now. He had been losing weight and bleeding from the mouth a lot. A little bit ago we took him to a vet and found out he has really bad arthritis and a mouth infection. We got meds for him and stuff. The vet didn’t mention anything, but my dad suspected that our dog could possibly have cancer. My dads in the medical field, he knows a lot about anything to do with medicine, even for animals. He wasn’t sure but we just said that all of us should keep an eye on him. We did. Every now and then he would bleed from his mouth but the medicine seemed to be working, at least a little bit. For a couple days he seemed genuinely happier. That didn’t last long. After that he started declining drastically. The blood clots from his mouth just got so much worse and bigger. He started bleeding more and loosing too much weight. Around a week ago we noticed a large bump on his face near his chin. My dad was scared that it could of been a cyst, which wouldn’t be good. But we just kept an eye on him and the bump. Until yesterday. Our power in our neighborhood went out and it was like 8pm so it was pretty dark. We had flashlights and stuff but still you can’t see everything. Our dog was laying with my mom and she had felt something drip on her leg. When she shined her light over all she saw was blood. We all came out there and it was bad. It was coming from his mouth obviously. There was so much blood. We wiped him up but he wouldn’t stop bleeding. It was a lot to handle. Our dad had previously already talked to us about not wanting our dog to suffer if it gets bad. He was really persistent on this because he had made that mistake with his old dog chucky. He grew up with that dog and he was just a great dog. I was around 5 I think when chucky died. My dad couldn’t go through with putting him down even when he was really sick. But it was a mistake, he knew chucky was suffering. It’s a hard decision to make. But fast forward back to the present situation. He said we needed to have a talk. He was going to take our dog to the vet tomorrow to see what’s wrong. He said if it’s as bad as he thinks it is,…then we need to say goodbye :(. I didn’t know what to think but I didn’t think it would actually happen. We’ve had him for 9 years. We got him on Valentine’s Day when I was 7. He’s been with us for so long. He was definitely old But we didn’t think we would say goodbye so soon. Then today my mom got a call. It was from our dad. Our dog had cancer. Apparently he’s had cancer for a while now and he would end up being in a lot of pain. That bump on his face was a tumor. My dad didn’t want him to suffer. We had to say goodbye. It was really hard. And then we got the choice of being there with him when he goes or leaving. My mom left she couldn’t bare to watch him go. The rest of us stayed. It was so hard. Look idk if I believe in like heaven and stuff so idk if he’s be in a better place now. But I know that at least he wouldn’t have to suffer from cancer. But watching his heartbeat stop was….it was rough. He passed in his favorite sweater. It was so big on him, it used to be snug. He deserved to have his family there when he went. But it was so hard. I don’t know what to do. How do you come with something like this. Loosing someone? Out of all the stuff I’ve sadly had to deal with, this wasn’t one of them. I have so many things that I’m already sad and depressed about. This is just so overwhelming. I miss him so much. Me and him didn’t have a great relationship. I mean I loved him, but we weren’t close. He was closer with my sister and stuff. He loved my sister so much. I think he loved me too. This is too much for me too handle. Idk what to do. Our other two dogs are so confused. They loved him so much.

Please help me

7 Cups Online Therapy / by Bonkysocks

September 15th, 2022

...See more I genuinely am at a breaking point. I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve had family issues ever since I was alive, I just didn’t always recognize it as family issues. 6th grade was when I finally realized something was wrong. I’m 16 now. 6th grade I became extremely depressed. I had noticed small things in my household, like how my parents treat me over my sister. Or how my friends treat me. Everyone in my life had thought I was stupid and I had started to notice. Obviously that would bother anybody, but it bothered me a little bit more because ever since I can remember my parents heavily suspected I had autism. So, it hurt a lot. But it wasn’t just that. I mean yeah my parents would treat me like a dog mostly, but it was so much more. They would get my sister things she had asked for maybe a week ago meanwhile I’m still waiting on something I asked for a year ago . They would always shame me for my grades and tell me I should be more like my sister. They had treated me like an outcast for most of my life and. I was too busy trying to get them to show love to me to notice. Until 6th grade. I had given up on trying to win my parents love. I was tired. And my friends treated me like someone they only wanted to be around when they needed a good laugh since I m so “awkward”. I was just tired. I had gotten so depressed that I started making fake throw up and pouring it in the toilet for my mom to see in the mourning before school so. I could stay home. I would soak rags under extremely hot water and rub it all over my head multiple times I I would feel hot so I could stay home. I mean it worked, but only so much. Eventually we would run out of food that I could make the throw up with. So I would just ask my mom to stay home cause I wasn’t feeling well, but the usually only worked if I had “thrown up” the day before. I had begged for therapy from my mother multiple times through notes, cause I have anxiety and I’m not a good communicator. But my mom never cared. She always thought I was lying about having depression? She would even give my notes to my sister and share how frustrated she was with me cause I’m a liar? She made my sister think I wasn’t a good person, some of that has to do with the fact that she’s a people pleaser, but that’s also cause of our parents. Eventually, (TW) I started self harming. It was on my wrist wrist scissors. And I didn’t do it for too long. But that led to worse. When I couldn’t fathom the physical pain of self harming and the emotion abuse my parents (mostly my mom) had put me through, I attempted suicide. After I failed, I kind of gained this fear of death, more than the average person. I wanted to get better. To I told my mother in a note that a was depressed and attempted suicide. Do you want to know what she told me? “ ugh I can’t believe your pulling this crap, go to school I don’t want to hear it”. About a week or so later, I worked up the courage to tell her in person. Maybe there was miscommunication in the note? I wouldn’t know cause she threw them away. So I told her to her face. I asked for help, and that I attempted suicide. She yelled at me. Told me I was being selfish. I had tried around 2 more times, both in notes, and they were mostly the same response. I don’t know what it was about my fifth attempt to tell her, but it worked sorta. She had called my dad and then he came home, he looked so worried. She really never mentioned to him the other 4 times I told her about it? This was his first time hearing about it. I told them I thought a mental hospital might be the best idea for me. ( I am so sorry, I’m so bad at storytelling, but k left out that a little after I started self harming I had brought up to my dad that I was depressed and needed help in the car and he yelled at me and told me I wasn’t supposed to be like this, and I got grounded for a week and had to clean up the poop form our backyard cause we have dogs. They were too busy giving my sister therapy for her mental health issues) they told me that they would admit me to a hospital. And that is the end of that. It was never brought up again. I waited for a week and tried to work up the courage to talk about it but because of everything my mother put me through, I just couldn’t. The day after my dad came home and I told them about the mental hospital, they acted like nothing happened. It was so traumatising. Ever since that happened I hated my mom, and grew to dislike my dad. But ever since then, I’ve been able to notice what type of person my mother is. She is probably one of the worst and most insufferable people I have ever met. She never apologizes for anything, always makes her self the victim, she’s narcissistic, and she also just has the worst personality ever. She’s done so many things to me, and my sister. Me and my sister were always close, but around in 7 th grade we became a lot closer. Like inseparable. We have no secrets . We know everything that’s happened to one another. My mom has done her fair share of things to my sister as well. Ever since we were little, my mom has wanted my sister to be her like little helper. For a while she was, but it eventually stopped cause she caught on. Like 6 months ago, my sister had self harmed and brought it up to my parents. We never expected them to act like this. My dad tried to comfort her, but my mom took over. “ maybe if you listened to me for once you wouldn’t of done that. You should be taking your meds, it’s so annoying no one ever listens to me” unbelievable. How could you say that to your child? She does things and says things like this to us all the time. But this was our breaking point. We ignored her. And then we had a talk a couple days later. My sister tried to tell our mo mthat what she said wasn’t right, but she could barely get a word out. Our mom continued about how bad of kids we are cause we don’t listen. Look, if we are bad kids, fine, and yes my sister should of been taking her meds, but now is not the time to bring that crap up. We eventually moved on form that unsolved topic I guess. I eventually brought up what happened in 6th grade and how our mom treated me. How traumatized I was from it. How much it hurt me. And how much I hated her for it. The looks she had given me. It was eerie. She looked more than jsut pissed. “I never did that” she said it with such a cold tone. But it didn’t matter cause whatever my mom says, my dad defends her on. She should be lucky she has someone who loves her that’s much. Cause she doesn’t deserve it. My dad told me there is no way my mother did that. And hse walked out and started sobbing very loudly outside, how convenient. I looked like the asshole she wanted me to look like, at least infront of my dad. My sister knew what was what. But it didn’t matter. After that, we didn’t talk for a couple days. Then she pulled us in the living room and told me she didn’t deserve to be hated, so I should stop showing it cause she deserves respect. I mean I had no choice 🤷🏻‍♀️ Me and my sister learned we just have to suck it up until we are both legal to move out. We ended up staying with our older older sister for the summer, do jsut, get a break. Eventually we had to come back though. My sister is 18 though although I’d hate to be separated from her, I wish she had the opportunity to stay with our older sister. It’s so hard to live somewhere where people are constantly bringing you down and never listening to you. They only treat us like adults when it’s convenient for them. And my mother…I just can’t take it anymore. My sister has started having suicidal thoughts again and so have I. We have no ways to get jobs right now cause our parents “lost” our birth certificates. So we have to get new ones which is taking a while. We have no form of identification ,therefore we can’t get jobs. So we have no money. And we can’t take our ged that we have been studying for since we don’t have identification. We were supposed to take our geds this summer so we can go to community college in the fall. But that didn’t happen. We still have no birth certificates. This is torture. We are in this house all god damn day dealing with her shit. I’m TIRED. We can’t even get therapy either, my parents always push it off. On top of that, I have huge period problems. I heavily suspect I have endometriosis but she doesn’t care. I’m in pain and I’ve been on a very heavy period for THREE MONTHS. IM TIRED. me and my sister have no idea what to do. We try to live as healthy as possible but it’s so un motivating.

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