Clay10n Member Profile

...See more Hello, I doubt anyone will see this and it will be long but here goes nothing. I've dealt with social anxiety for as long as I can remember and it has gotten worse with age. I'm now 28, jobless, single, no friends, no social life and sad all the time. It also doesn't help I live with someone who has very bad mental health issues and does nothing for themselves or to help me with the anxiety but instead makes it worse. It all started to get worse one night I came home a few years ago frome a friend's house. It was the 4th of July and instead of going in the house like I normally would after being dropped off I decided to hang out with some neighbors I haven't spoken to in a while because they were outside still lighting fireworks. With the help of a little liquid courage I was actually quite sociable and enjoying myself and one even said they missed me which was nice to hear. Then the monster came outside, I was completely embarrassed by them because I was treated horribly while being told I better get in the house or the police would be called, I'd get locked out etc. Everyone that was outside just went silent as I was getting grilled just for enjoying myself. So to save more embarrassment I listened and went inside because I also just needed to escape being around everyone. I was so angry at that person and was crying my eyes out while continuing to be gas light as they barged in my room repeatedly even when I had the door locked just to tell me how it was my fault that I'm upset and what I did was wrong. Ever since that night I've been pretty much ashamed to even show my face to the neighbors which has led me to isolate. Now I don't even hardly leave the house unless it's to take the trash out which is suffering enough when you feel like you're being judged for never being outside. Sometimes I will go on the back porch. There is nothing much I can do to the person I live with to make them stop. If I retaliate I will get gaslight into oblivion about how I have no reason to complain, I'm psychotic, it's my fault or that I should be grateful for what they do for me when honestly they don't do much. Already had multiple arguments just to try and stop them from walking in my room whenever they please but it does nothing. Always finds a excuse to walk in here no matter how many times I say don't. I haven't been feeling great for years now and they do not care. Had my heartbroken not long ago which couldn't have come at a worse time. I'm constantly stressed out and thinking everything is only going to get worse and this is how my life is always going to be. I just lay in bed, cry, hardly sleep or do anything. Even had very bad pain in my mouth for months that comes and goes and pain in my thumb and wrist but the anxiety to pick up the phone and schedule a appointment has stopped me from getting it checked out and fixed. I tried getting the person I live with to please call on days the pain got so bad but they have refused or made a excuse to why they can't call so I've just been enduring it. The mouth has been improving slightly though because I've kept a bowl in my room to spit in whenever the pain starts and I use salt water or mouthwash to make it calm down. Just sucks that I can't even eat anymore without being in pain. All I see now in life is what a phone screen shows me. I see so many people online enjoying themselves and living happy lives while I'm just in the dark and invisible to society. Seeing people out in public, relationships, having fun or something as simple as driving around in the car listening to music enjoying the day all seems like a fantasy or a dream to me. I truly envy people who don't have to deal with this and wonder why I have to. My ancestors must have done something horrible for me to be this cursed. Had the worst parenting possible aswell and will never be able to speak up against her out of fear she will find out and what she might do. I have sisters but they are pretty much the same as her and that's the only family I have. So no friends, no family for any type of support or just a way out of this *** hole. Idk what to do anymore besides cry. Doesn't matter if I'm ever happy either because once I finally start to calm down or even have a shred of happiness the monster finds a way to ruin it then falling into the pit of despair starts all over again. I tell myself I'm a horrible person and I deserve all of it. There has been times I was mean to people and I honestly don't know if it was justified. It's hard to tell when you grew up in a environment where if you stick up for yourself you just get punished. So idk how I'm supposed to even understand when I'm right or wrong in situation unless it's obvious and I was to start something for no reason behind it which I don't thankfully. I'm just so mad at the person I live with and how they blame everything on me when they are the ones who caused me to isolate and refuses to admit they did. It's normal behavior though and they never say anything is their fault no matter what they do to you. It's just a cycle that never stops and no escaping it because I have no where else to go but here. If only I wasn't a pushover that just wants their piece and no social anxiety I would have been gone a very long time ago with no more contact with this monster of a human being. There is other problems I have and situations that caused my social anxiety but it would take ages and have doubts that anyone will want to hear it. Thank you to who ever has read this far.

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