Heartbreak
I apologize for any errors in my writing.
Not too long ago I met someone online, I was very lonely at the time and social anxiety I've had since childhood is the biggest cause of it. Met this woman from another country and had no idea she was going to be my first true heartbreak. This feeling I had when I would speak to her, think about her or look at can only be compared to what the Earth must feel like every time the sun rises after a dark and cold night. Bathing in it's warmth and growing from it's rays. It was the best feeling I ever had and I'm just miserable now that it's gone. I've tried different things to get over it but none of it is helping. I thought it was getting easier but after being in a few relationships since then I realized everything loving I was saying to them I wish I could have instead be saying it to the one I miss. My most recent relationship ended because of this. Then stupid me had to start drawing again and the art I made ended up looking similar to that special person. On top of that it made me listen to a song she said was her favorite and that's when I broke again. Crying and wishing those once good feelings were not shrouded with sadness. Having so much love for someone and you're not even allowed to is *** and the worst thing to deal with. Wish I could still tell her I love her everyday, that before I fall asleep, the moment I wake up and everything in between she is there in my thoughts. I just hate feeling sad about it all the time. Can't listen to music, watch movies, art or anything anymore with her haunting every bit of it. It's funny how love works, never even met her in person but my feelings tell me she was the best kiss I ever experienced as if it was the first and that having her in my arms is where I wanted her the most. Even something so stupid and simple as waking up and she's just there and we talk while she gives me that smile which could cripple any man and eyes that were so beautiful and brown you could still see the ocean in them. Then I cry. Truth is I never felt much love in return from the relationship. If I was upset she would call me weak or not even care much to say anything besides a few words. Was also to romantic at times I guess but I just couldn't help it. Days I would get ignored, always a excuse as well for it which I found out was just all a lie when she confessed it was because she was mad which I don't even know if it's true or not. I tried desperately to get her back after the breakup and all I asked was to be allowed to call her and she said yea... I can't do calls so that's not going to work. Can't even have a phone call which made me feel so horrible about myself because this is someone who said they loved me but a phone call is too much to ask. I eventually did ghost her because every time I poured my heart out she made me feel like nothing. She started posting pictures of herself looking good which I know was to make me mad. Ghosted her again for a while and that's when she randomly messaged me but after that I was done. I was given no answers to anything I asked for and tried again to make things work but once again was rejected but why she would act like she was so hurt by it all and it was hard to let me go and that there will always be someone who loves me before she completely ditched me forever and is no longer possible to contact her. I feel so stupid now for letting someone who did not care about me whatsoever unless I didn't fill their ego with attention all of that wasted time and feeling but yet my idiot self still has feelings that don't want to go away. Makes you never want to feel it again or even try loving someone if this is a possible outcome. I guess my dream of falling in love with someone who loves me the same in return needs to just disappear and be forgotten. All I'm left with now is confusion, depression, sadness, over thinking, anxiety, anger and isolation. I wonder if she ever truly liked me all that time?
Love sucks..
@Clay10n
This is the case with online relationships especially when you did not get a chance to meet her. did you just chat or did you do video chats etc where you know she was whom she claimed to be.
In relationship like this you only see the good side and it is so easy to only see the good sides. they have no flaws like a meeting in person relationship is. It is possible to over romanticize the messages and memories of what we think could have been.......
Many are in the same type of situation and unsure what was real or not .... i know it will be hard but to move on you might need to revisit the un- supportive comments and look realistically.
you will find someone again .... who will return the love to you and be a complete relationship
Hey, thank you for answering and the kind words. Unfortunately I'm always like that in relationships regarding getting my hopes up and over romanticizing the person. When I like someone I just really like them deeply and care alot. To answer your question, yes, she did send videos because I've watched the show Catfish so many times and she was extremely attractive so I asked if she could send videos which she did and said my name in a few of them which matched her voice as well in the voice messages. These past few years though I've been in horrible relationships which I can say is also my fault for it not working out. I've been hurt and lied to many times, cheated on, etc so I'm always on guard with whoever I date next. It's a paranoia I wish I didn't have. I've also had issues where I lied in relationships which is completely wrong and I'm not ashamed to admit it and even in that one I lied. It wasn't anything serious or manipulative but I lied about things in my life and didn't tell the truth about how bad things really were with me but non the less I still lied. She fixed it though and I confessed to all of it and how depressed I was and what was lied about after the breakup because the guilt and shame was killing me so bad to do that to someone I genuinely loved. Now even though I am pretty lonely and don't have much emotionally support I need to get comfortable with being alone again and fix the issues in my life that needs fixing instead of rushing into relationships where not only I can possibly get hurt but I could be hurtful towards someone else. I'm proud of myself that I went from being completely insecure to it not being as bad and that I will never lie about something so stupid again because I will always regret it. Even though I'm angry and was hurt that's always in my mind that regardless of what happened she fixed that part of myself and whenever it makes me upset that is still a positive that came from the relationship and it is all thanks to her. Sorry for writing a book as a response 😅
I just desperately want to be a better person and be man enough and self aware that I can be the toxic one as well at times due to insecurities that started in childhood. It's unbelievable how in the dark I was until she came along. But I guess it's true when people say love can make the impossible possible. Now it's just the depression that has increased after parting ways, the confusion and the sadness I constantly feel. Social anxiety also which is a big struggle in my life and has led me to isolate. I've used this app a few times but always end up ditching and then trying to deal with problems on my own and it never works. Would try therapy the only problem is that to verbally say what's wrong is difficult and the anxiety keeps me from even picking up the phone to talk to a therapist and schedule a appointment. Mainly do research just about everyday to figure out solutions to fix myself but I'm either unmotivated, lazy or it doesn't work because there is times she still pops in my mind which always sucks and it's either tears that follows or pain in my chest and stomach. Never did I think I would meet someone who had this big of a impact on my life especially a person that I never even met. Learned my lesson though 100% that if you love someone to always tell the truth because you are going to eventually have to spill the beans and once that happens you're going to lose that person or you will be lucky enough that they don't care and do everything they can to help you. Wasn't my case but it's ok, she will forever be a blessing and the good with her that I was fortunate enough to experience will be looked back on and I'll always be grateful for it.
@Clay10n
It was good to read you said she was a blessing ...... i think the people in out lives friends/ love interests and even annoyances are always either a blessing or a lesson ...
motivation is hard but remember you are your greatest critic but you can also be your greatest cheerleader. Time is one thing we do not get a do over... tell yourself you will make progress everyday and when you look at yourself in a mirror you already know if you did or did not keep that goal