Hug.
What do you think is causing you to feel that way?
Alot of things
I am betting that the date makes things seem harder for you. Sending peace. There are lots of people out there who feel the same way. Feel free to tell us more. Sometimes that can really help.@Clay10n
Yes you're right about that. Idk it's so much in my head all the time. My thoughts tend to destroy me everyday. I hate myself and always have for as long as I can remember. Household was very abusive, I was bullied at home, in the neighborhood and at school. I dropped out in middle school because the school was terribly ran and I had so much anxiety every single day in fear of going to that place but had no idea at that time what anxiety was or that I even had it. Went to therapy but growing up we never talked about feelings because my mother was very neglectful. I was also intimidated into lying to any therapist as a child by her to keep my mouth shut or it would be my fault if I was sent to a boys home and she was kicked out of the house. My dad and step mom was the last bit of family I had. He passed in 2012 when I was 17 and she passed the year after. I have been back with my mother ever since. It is ***. I feel horrible everyday, I don't get out of bed much anymore or even go outside because the last time I hung out with a neighbor she hunted me down and threatened to lock me out of the house if I didn't come in.. I was also in my 20's at this time but the embarrassment and living in a gossipy neighborhood who stares everytime I rarely go outside because I'm the "freak" keeps me inside and I rarely verbally talk to anyone anymore besides my mom which hardly ever happens unless she is mad or wants me to do something. I smoke weed because it's the only thing that brings me joy anymore if it even actually does. I had many times in my life where I wasn't a good person. I have many regrets in life and rightfully so I think. 28 yrs old now. Alone, sad, depressed, lazy, I eat somedays and then other days I don't hardly at all. My body is always in some kind of pain. I'm trapped in this house. It's pretty much become a prison cell where I stay and let my thoughts beat me up. My family does not reach out even though they know how bad it's gotten. Tried talking to my mom about these things but she either gets mad, laughs when I cry or just walks away from me and trys forcing me to go to a hospital. I don't really know what to do anymore. I suppress all of my emotions because I was taught to do so since childhood. I make no noise because even if we would laugh while my mom was trying to sleep we would get yelled at so being quiet is something I am used to and I always try to not make any noise when I cry which sometimes nothing even comes out unless I listen to sad music that releases it somehow. It's just really starting to suck badly and it's been going on for years. Wish my dad and step mom was still here. I very much regret never telling them how sad I was but I just didn't know how at that time and still don't think I do. Didn't even know I was abused until I did research these past few years and based off of memory from scenarios that happened revealed to me I was. I just wonder why I was born. Wish I wasn't and still think it's all my fault. I don't want to have kids because of it. I would never forgive myself to bring someone in the world who is like me and has to suffer without asking for it. I'm sorry this was so long but yea.. This is some of what fills my head from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep almost every single day. Was alot stronger as a kid I've realized or it's just I'm not able to hold it all in as good as I used to because it's so much more now I really don't know. Thank you to anyone who read this entire rant.
@Clay10n
Sending Strength!! When I was at my most depressed manic and paranoid I'd take just one very small step each day for a while and reward myself for each little goal I'd make and accomplish, after a little while you may start to feel better and find a little routine to try to stick too; that's what I try to do. I have 2 different therapists for ptsd/depression, I'm on a host of medications and my treatment has been going for 3 years now and it's really helped a lot. You can do anything you put your mind to do, set goals - something nice for yourself and do it (even if it is just making your bed)
I'm sorry you are facing so much but please keep in mind that you are a fighter and are prepared to work out a plan of action to help yourself,
Happy Valentines Day!~ ❤️
Blessings, Day
Thank you and I'm sorry to hear you're going through it aswell. Brave of you to share and yes, I hope I eventually get it figured out and similar to what you said, it's a slow and tough process to climb out of.
That sounds really, really tough. Never apologize for needing to rant.
Have you been part of this community for long? It is a good place to try to start rebuilding things and finding a new direction.
We all make tons of mistakes, but that doesn't mean that you can't find a better path. Even having to be around a really rough figure like your mom doesn't have to doom you to failure.
You can start building your support network here really slowly. If you want, add to this thread every day. I promise to respond to you every day that I can. I don't miss too often. You deserve something better. Let us see if we can help you create it. @Clay10n
Thank you for the kind words and yes, I've been a member for a while but just recently got back on here. Before I really didn't even know how bad things were in life or what to express when I used this app but after some years now I do.
So you are already headed in a better direction. I know that it doesn't feel like it, but each piece that you learn really helps.
Keeping up with it also helps. It took me years to really feel like I was making progress. What I really had to train myself to do was to think small. Every time that I thought about the past or the future, things got much darker.
I had to move my brain to the immediate and appreciate that. What kinds of things do you do to distract yourself? Any hobbies that you do at home?@Clay10n
That is one of my biggest problems now is being in the present. Too busy worrying about the past and the future. And to answer your question no, I used to have hobbies like basketball, video games, editing and others but now I can't ever focus on them anymore or certain issues like anxiety keep me from being able to enjoy it. Tried watching movies I loved before and shows but can never keep my attention on it anymore. I will go straight to my mind where I torture myself and completely miss out on whatever I'm watching and have no clue what is said. I'll have to rewind alot but it always gets annoying when it keeps happening so I give up on watching whatever it is and stop. It's like this everyday. Music though it doesn't happen as much unless it triggers a memory.
I know how frustrating that all it is. It happened to me too. None my old activities worked. I had to keep trying new ones until I found things that helped a little. And I really do mean a little. If I could get 15-20 minutes that were fairly okay that was a victory. I had to force myself to constantly say that those few minutes mattered more than the rest of the day that was miserable. The more that I focused on those minutes of okay the better I began to feel and the longer those moments lasted. But it took a bit of brain reprogramming. You can do this. Start trying some new stuff. I started coloring in one of those detailed coloring books (I am no artist) and doing online jigsaw puzzles. @Clay10n
How have things been? @Clay10n
Kind of the same but not as bad
The "not as bad" is a victory. Sometimes the steps forward are so small that they feel like they are nothing and don't matter because the bad is still there. But the bad disappears slowly. Every time that you see a little of it gone, acknowledge that. It helps the better stuff to come more often and stick around.
I am cheering you on. @Clay10n
Thank you, I'm definitely trying my best to do internal work and hoping eventually it will translate to me being more active and not as stuck in this psycho state. But like you said, the bad is still there and it's just taking a while to get rid of and deal with.
And it is indeed lots of work. You are doing it and getting better even when you can't see it. @Clay10n
Buddy...
I have read what u have written and can say u r not different.
There r lot of people who suffered as u.
I have suffered too but this condition will not be forever...
Let us clear the things in few points.
1st u will be helped here.
2nd always try to say to urself that u will change ur condition. And 1 day u will enjoy the life as u wish to enjoy.
I can understand ur body ,mind ,sole ,situation are not in ur control most of the time. But i m swear there are times when things are in ur control(u r awaken) becoz of this only u have reached so for.
From now do only 1 thing and that is to always motivate urself.
It will take time but things will come on track.
Thank you, I will try
I don't know if this is going to make you feel better. I'm in a very similar situation. Know that you're not alone in this. There has to be some kind of silver lining. Let go of guilt that you're not supposed to be carrying because it's not yours to carry. You deserve happiness, wholeness and peace and it will come. Take it day by day. I know how annoying it is when people talk about self love but it's so true because you deserve your love and care, try to do things that you would do for someone else for you even if it feels so strange and like you're faking it, it gets easier and you really start building that relationship with yourself and realising what an awesome person you are and start enjoying your own company. I'm on this journey and I have just started this self love journey. Put you first because you absolutely deserve it and know that someone on the other side of the world feels for you, is praying for you and deeply empathises with what you're going through.
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for sharing your own stuggles aswell. I'm sorry for replying late and I hope whatever you are dealing with in life you overcome it too.
@Clay10n I may be new here but I'm very good with listening, if you every need anything I'm here. Okay?
Thank you
@Clay10n
Hello, I understand what you feel all the time. Life is not all the time good to us, and we most of the time can't cope and end up becoming alone in this. We have to suffer alone because most of the time no one understands. I can understand that you don't want to say much, or maybe you can't find words to express yourself, but it's okay. Here are many people who understand you, and you are not alone. We are here for you, we are here for eachother, this is what this app is for.
Don't worry, things can get better, soon they will be. If you want to talk, you always have group chat, listeners and forums. Don't feel that you are alone. We are here for ya 💙 You do not have to suffer alone.
Wow everyone is so nice. Thank you too and hopefully me embarrassing myself and admitting to things in life will help another person do the same. It's not starting to be so embarrassing when you are still accepted. Which has been a help from you guys. Mike Tyson aswell, if anyone wanted to find someone to relate to as a man who is sensitive and feel shame to show your insecurities. His interviews on his life and boxing career may help you. Nicknamed the baddest man on the planet and that whole time he would cry and was afraid to fight, afraid to hurt people and afraid to get hurt himself. Never met him but those videos alone helped.
@Clay10n I'm here for you anytime, feel free to msg me whenever you wish ❤️
Thank you
@Clay10n You are most welcome 😊🙏🏼
I am sorry to hear that you have been through so much pain and suffering in your life. It is completely understandable that you are struggling with your thoughts and emotions right now. Your experiences of abuse and neglect have had a profound impact on you, and it is completely normal to feel the way you do. It sounds like you have been trying your best to cope with these difficult feelings, but it has been very hard for you. Please know that you are not alone in this, and there is help available for you. You deserve to feel better, and there are people who can support you on this journey.
