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Clayjoy
1 1,746 M Hopeful Heart
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts122 Forum posts17 Forum upvotes79 Current upvotes79 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceMarch 5, 2021
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I don’t know what to do anymore
Newbie Hub / by Clayjoy
Last post
 October 23rd, 2025
...See more I just needed to say this somewhere. I don’t know what to do anymore, but I’m tired of holding it in. I want to quit my job, but I’m afraid of disappointing my family. This is my first formal job — I’m almost 30 and have never had one before. I used to sell small things and food to get by. I never finished college because of my depression, which I’ve never really treated. Now I live with my brother. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything. Yes, I feel like a disappointment. I’m ashamed of myself, and honestly, I hate who I’ve become. But this job is destroying me. Every day feels unbearable. I cry constantly — on the bus, on the train, in bed, even in the shower. No one knows. I can’t sleep properly; I wake up too early and feel exhausted all the time. I can’t even enjoy small things anymore, like eating a nice meal, because my mind won’t stop worrying about work. Even on weekends, I can’t rest — I just spend the whole time anxious about Monday. I can’t focus, I forget things easily, and I find it hard to understand even small tasks. My coworkers call me an idiot behind my back. It’s a small company — only 10 people — and I mostly work inside the office with one woman who makes me feel worthless. But that’s not the main problem. The real problem is that this job is draining me completely — emotionally and physically. If I quit, my family will be disappointed again. But if I stay, I feel like I’m dying inside. And I know if I look for another job, no one will hire me because my background education and my age. It feels like I’m being crushed from all of sides, with no way out. I know I need to support myself, but I can’t take this anymore. I just want a way out — from this job, from this pressure, from this version of my life that feels like too much to handle. I am sorry to dump it here.
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Not Important
Depression Support / by Clayjoy
Last post
 September 15th, 2025
...See more I know my last post was only a few days ago, and here I am again. Sorry for taking your time — I probably sound like a whiny ***. If you want to skip this, go ahead; it’s not important. These past few days this app has been my refuge. I come here to read other people’s stories and the small kind things strangers say. Thank you to everyone who left love and wise words on my last thread — I’m really grateful. Still, here I am, writing the same thoughts that most people would call nothing. I feel broken. My mind, my heart, my soul — none of them are working right. Nothing dramatic happened: I have food, a roof, a family who cares, a job, and I’m physically okay. But every single day I wish I were dead. Ten years ago I dropped out of college because I thought I couldn’t handle the pressure. Since then I’ve never felt the same. Guilt has been eating me for a decade. Recently a job was given to me — I wasn’t looking; for years I hid because I didn’t know what to do. I thought the job would fix something. Instead I felt worse. I know it makes me sound ungrateful. I hate myself for that too. Every time I walk past the railway on my way to work or home I imagine throwing myself in front of the train. I cry so often. It’s not the “my life is hard” cry — it’s the “what is wrong with me?” cry. Why can’t I push myself through this? Why can’t I be grateful? Every morning, opening my eyes feels like an instant disappointment because I’m still alive. I know it’s easier to dismiss me — “you don’t have a real problem.” Maybe you’re right. I did this to myself, I made this mess. Sometimes when I try to cheer myself up by thinking, “others have it worse,” it backfires: my chest hurts, my knees go weak, and the sadness gets worse. I want to punch myself. I know none of this makes sense. I’m sorry. Most people I see on the street or the train probably have harder burdens than mine. I admire them. I admire all of you. I’m genuinely happy for every small and big step you take. I mean it.
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Not important.
Newbie Hub / by Clayjoy
Last post
 September 23rd, 2025
...See more I know my last post was only a few days ago, and here I am again. Sorry for taking your time — I probably sound like a whiny b**ch. If you want to skip this, go ahead; it’s not important. These past few days this app has been my refuge. I come here to read other people’s stories and the small kind things strangers say. Thank you to everyone who left love and wise words on my last thread — I’m really grateful. Still, here I am, writing the same thoughts that most people would call nothing. I feel broken. My mind, my heart, my soul — none of them are working right. Nothing dramatic happened: I have food, a roof, a family who cares, a job, and I’m physically okay. But every single day I wish I were dead. Ten years ago I dropped out of college because I thought I couldn’t handle the pressure. Since then I’ve never felt the same. Guilt has been eating me for a decade. Recently a job was given to me — I wasn’t looking; for years I hid because I didn’t know what to do. I thought the job would fix something. Instead I felt worse. I know it makes me sound ungrateful. I hate myself for that too. Every time I walk past the railway on my way to work or home I imagine throwing myself in front of the train. I cry so often. It’s not the “my life is hard” cry — it’s the “what is wrong with me?” cry. Why can’t I push myself through this? Why can’t I be grateful? Every morning, opening my eyes feels like an instant disappointment because I’m still alive. I know it’s easier to dismiss me — “you don’t have a real problem.” Maybe you’re right. I did this to myself, I made this mess. Sometimes when I try to cheer myself up by thinking, “others have it worse,” it backfires: my chest hurts, my knees go weak, and the sadness gets worse. I want to punch myself. I know none of this makes sense. I’m sorry. Most people I see on the street or the train probably have harder burdens than mine. I admire them. I admire all of you. I’m genuinely happy for every small and big step you take. I mean it.
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Question
Newbie Hub / by Clayjoy
Last post
 September 11th, 2025
...See more Hi everyone, this is my first thread. Most of the time, I only read and never really joined any community. But here I am, finally spilling my thoughts. I often question whether life will ever be worth it. All the pain and hard times we have to go through—will they ever truly bring us happiness? The idea of life as mere “survival” feels so real, but I don’t think it’s worth anything. Sometimes I wonder, why can’t I just stop, if it only brings me nothing but pain? My point is... I’m searching for answers. Why do I have to wake up tomorrow? Why do I have to be here? Right now, life just doesn’t feel worth it.
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