Not important.
I know my last post was only a few days ago, and here I am again. Sorry for taking your time — I probably sound like a whiny b**ch. If you want to skip this, go ahead; it’s not important.
These past few days this app has been my refuge. I come here to read other people’s stories and the small kind things strangers say. Thank you to everyone who left love and wise words on my last thread — I’m really grateful. Still, here I am, writing the same thoughts that most people would call nothing.
I feel broken. My mind, my heart, my soul — none of them are working right. Nothing dramatic happened: I have food, a roof, a family who cares, a job, and I’m physically okay. But every single day I wish I were dead.
Ten years ago I dropped out of college because I thought I couldn’t handle the pressure. Since then I’ve never felt the same. Guilt has been eating me for a decade. Recently a job was given to me — I wasn’t looking; for years I hid because I didn’t know what to do. I thought the job would fix something. Instead I felt worse. I know it makes me sound ungrateful. I hate myself for that too.
Every time I walk past the railway on my way to work or home I imagine throwing myself in front of the train. I cry so often. It’s not the “my life is hard” cry — it’s the “what is wrong with me?” cry. Why can’t I push myself through this? Why can’t I be grateful? Every morning, opening my eyes feels like an instant disappointment because I’m still alive.
I know it’s easier to dismiss me — “you don’t have a real problem.” Maybe you’re right. I did this to myself, I made this mess. Sometimes when I try to cheer myself up by thinking, “others have it worse,” it backfires: my chest hurts, my knees go weak, and the sadness gets worse. I want to punch myself. I know none of this makes sense. I’m sorry.
Most people I see on the street or the train probably have harder burdens than mine. I admire them. I admire all of you. I’m genuinely happy for every small and big step you take. I mean it.
@Clayjoy
You don't deserve to be dismissed.
You are not whiny.
You matter.
I'm sorry things are so hard for you
You need to be honest .
We cannot just click our fingers and feel good, because we want to.
I genuinely hope you start to get to the root cause of what's bothering you and begin to change things!
💕💜
@Clayjoy
I am so incredibly sorry you have felt this way for a long time.
You should feel ZERO guilt for honesty. In fact, your honesty today encouraged me to keep going, feeling less alone. I think you probably encouraged alot more people than you thought with just your honesty. Look, people send a heart when they feel so small that they don't know what to say, but they appreciate your courage big time.
Guilt crushes. The central event of the bible is about God taking away all of our guilt, that crushes us all inside. I really hope you can stop being your biggest critic. I bet you are good at alot of things and a great friend too. "Stop picking on yourself" is something I once learned and I hope you will learn too. Picture yourself as a friend and defender of yourself who tells anyone who makes you try to feel guilty to cut it out and get lost. Be good to that person you are, who is a really good person.
I hope you feel the significance that it counted, you made the world better, more hopeful, by speaking for many people, by writing. Write again, soon you will be encouraging and saving lives by encouraging others, since you've been through everything people feel.
I hope you do a small thing this week that makes you feel free.
I'm praying for you right now.
You can’t change the past, you can only control the now and whatever you can begin again do it… if you want too. If not that’s okay too. Just know we all see you and you’re somebody .
@Clayjoy
I can feel and hear your pain. Your thoughts and feelings are as valid as anyone else's. Please do not dismiss your thoughts and feelings as they are real. I hope that you can find a root cause for what is making you feel this way. Please continue to reach out and we will support you. Thanks for sharing.