...See more
Hello everyone, I don't know where exactly to post this because I'm new here and still don't know how this platform works, but I feel like I need to let my frustration, confusion and sadness out otherwise I'll just explode. Also, I'm sorry for the long post, but I guess it's important to include a lot of details of my life here, just in case someone decides to reply and provide a feedback how to break the cycle or change my life so I can finally be happy and loved.
I've always had troubles finding friends, or keeping friends around. After some time, they decided to leave me without a reason. I know it's normal and we grow up, change personalities...but when it keeps occuring in every period of your life, it gets frustrating at some point.
During elementary school, I had one good friend, but there was another girl who started mixing between us and destroyed our friendship. Later I changed the schools as we moved and came to even worse environment. My new classmates made a fool out of me, asked me ridiculous questions, imitated my gestures, even stole some toys which were popular among kids back then and we all had them. I could be around 13 when I started liking my classmate and as stupid as I was back then, I let him know about my feelings. Well, the idiot told to the whole class and bullying turned even more embarrassing. Suddenly, I was laughed at not for my music or movie taste, but for the fact I have feelings too. To be noted, I wasn't beautiful looking back then at all. All the stress and hate made me eat a lot and I was obese and had some acne. We also weren't rich, so I wore the same, non-attractive clothes frequently.
As I got older and started high school, I hoped for a new beginning and happiness of having a close circle of people. I found one cool girl who I felt comfortable with and shared with her my bad memories from the elementary. We chatted a lot, send videos, movies tips and so on. She even invited me to join her family for a vacation in another country! I was so happy because as a kid, I've never had this opportunity to travel abroad. Well, after this summer, she found a bf and forgot everyone around her. Only he was the best. I met him once and something was off around him. Just I didn't like him at all, but my friend was happy and they kissed and held hands. And I was jealous. I've wanted the same so I joined the same chatting website as her and tried to find people in my area. Of course, plenty of pervs wrote me, because I still wasn't attractive for anyone of my age. Also, I've received messages from people who didn't like studies, smoked, partied and were generally not educated and had no hobbies. I wanted frim the life something more and not being able to find another alike soul was frustrating. I started being depressed, cried a lot and out of nowhere, became moody, angry, yelled. Because of this, my friendship with this girl ended and she started meeting other classmates and I suddenly sat alone. By the end of the studies, nobody spoke with me in the class only if it was necessary or they needed homeworks or a project buddy ensuring them a good grade. They hated me because I wanted to go to college, move to other country, loved English language and had good grades. I wasn't a nerd, not at all. Actually I'm lazy when it comes to studies but the school was somehow easy for me and it was enough to read notes 3 times and I remembered almost everything. Also teachers liked me because I was reliable and kind, never *** back as other girls.
So, then college began and I hoped for the new beginning again. It lasted for an year again. I had a large circle of friends, we went out frequently, helped with exams or mid terms, laughed. After the 1st summer, everyone just changed and the class turned fake. In the technical program, I was the only one woman. In the 2nd year, I was separated me from my other girl friends, as our programs differed. And then, one guy, started bullying me in front of everyone, even professors. Slowly, he turned the whole class against me. Until today I don't know the reason, because I've helped him many times. It's true he had hard time studying so maybe he was jealous at my performance and the fact professors many times highlighted me and begged other students to prepare presentations more like me or so. I hated that because I don't think I was that exceptional or amazing.
So far, I changed college after the bachelor's degree and started studying in another town. It was fine there, nice people, but covid came and we were at home for online classes so the relationships couldn't grow and the cycle couldn't repeat after all.
I'm now a working adult, and as I changed the companies, I was asked to relocate. I live abroad, still closer to my home, but abroad in a metropolis. First impressions were weird. I had troubles finding accommodation, people refused to speak English with me (note: I'm living in Europe). Languages are very alike, but I was treated like a rubbish but eventually found a studio. I started the training, later joined the operations. It was easy for me as I have some experience in this field. I'm here for approximately 9 months but I can't recall when I felt so blue for the last time. I'm lonely, have nobody to go out with. The only time I socialize is at work but sometimes I have so ridiculous colleagues around me, that I'm silent the whole duty. I feel many of them don't include me in anything as I'm a foreigner, even if I understand their language, and if I spoke in my native, they'd understand me. But they don't want to and I feel no motivation to even learn or speak it. I'm just disgusted from everything. Mostly when I come to the office in the morning and nobkdy greets me back. This is one of the "nicer" days.
The light at the end of the tunnel symbolized one colleague. The first moment we met before our duty, I felt a weird sensation between us. The other day, we worked again together and he even came to me and asked about the pictures I took the previous duty. At the end of our 2nd day, I asked the other colleague who was with us about possibilities of further training for my future. He gave me some tips but that was it. 3 of us, (the guy I liked plus another guy) met on the same bus on our way home. We chatted a bit and he said he's moving to other country for a while as his training is finishing soon. I was sad but liked our conversation and thought about writing him to ask if he would like to go for a coffee with me. I've never done it, and thought it might look ridiculous and inappropriate at some point. When I opened a work chat 2 days later, there was a private message from him, sharing with me tips about the training I asked earlier the other colleague. I was speechless he remembered and asked his friends about the possibilities and recommendations. We started chatting as I was happy someone is talking to me and somehow set going for a pizzeria which was close to me. I was excited a lot and waited for him to finish his duty which unexpectedly prolonged and we could meet in the evening. We decided to go for beers instead. We laughed, shared many stories including our professional lives or studies, or even silly things. It was shocking that we literally close that restaurant as we left as the last ones. He walked me home and that's it. The further days we chatted and joked, and I felt happy. Then, he started replying lesser and lesser and I started being anxious. Tbh, I reacted stupidly and was angry that suddenly he didn't want to meet anymore. Now, I see it was ridiculous and controlling from me, but I couldn't help my emotions. I felt betrayed? The next weeks were mostly on and off, but we managed to meet one more time for a coffee. Of course only for 2 hours as he had to help his brother. But it was amazing again. I was surprised that even after this shitshow I presented earlier, he hugged me when we greeted and said bye. We laughed, sat close to each other.
After this meeting, we made plans to see each other again and that day, I waited but no message came. He wasn't online the whole day, and I kept waiting for nothing. The next day, we were supposed to meet in the office before our duties, and he wrote me in the morning that he was sick the other day. I was angry and told him I feel hurt cause I deserved at least note and he apologised. In the office, he was smiling at me (and looking too good for the fact he was sick the day before), sending me messages on WhatsApp if I like chocolate cause he brought something for me etc. I told him I don't want anything and that I'm still mad. We met after our duties and even went home in the same bus again. But somehow, I stopped being angry and was glad to talk to him. So we shared some laugh and chatted after we came home.
The day before he was supposed to go abroad, he texted me what I'm doing and I told him about my plans to clean and do chores at home. After hours of chatting, it turned out he wanted to ask me out with him but I seemed busy so he never did and it was already late and so on. So he went abroad and that was the only time we really called a lot and chatted. But the contact cooled down after he promised to call one evening and he never did. So I started feeling depressed and asked myself questions and replayed our common moments. Then, after some weeks he finally wrote to me and asked how am I doing but I didn't reply. I was hurt he could forgot me that easily and when we got to work together, I ignored him the whole duty. We stood next to each other and did nothing. On the way in the bus, he walked past me, and sat on the other end, opposite me and used his cellphone the whole time. I cried until evening and so many emotions mixed in me. I acted stupidly, but I was angry that he could ignore me for so many days and never even asked why I'm not talking to him. But he easily just sat opposite me and looked into his cell and out the window. After a week, I wrote him and apologised that I acted as a fool because I didnt even greet him (which is not my style) but I was angry etc. He said it's fine and that he thought I found someone else and don't want to talk to him anymore. Our contact somehow continued on and off but we never met again. One day, I needed help with furniture assembly and I didn't know whom to call to help me. I though I could do it myself but not. I asked him if he's interested in helping me and he agreed and came immediately. I was surprised from this behavior as he was often busy or helping his brother with various stuff. We again laughed as we assembled, spoke about different topics but of course he had to leave early due to early morning duty. I asked him if it would be possible of him to help me with some theory parts related to the training he recommended and he offered by himself to come the next day after the duty to do it with me. That day, 3 hours after his duty, he wrote to me that he can't come cause his bro needs help and he will let me know when they'll be finished. It took one month. I missed him, went crazy from the silence, hated him for making me feel so stupid. I deleted our conversations, blocked his number and tried to forget him. Only to unblock it and check if he remembered me. I was such a mess back then that I can't remember if he eventually contacted me or not, but I had enough of these games and asked to arrange a call after long silence that I need to talk to him. I didn't hope for a reply but he agreed and we scheduled the date and hour. He called me on WhatsApp, which was shocking that he still had my number. And we spoke. I told him how I didn't like his silence, then sudden messages and so on and he apologised and said he had rough weeks as his mom was sick and bro had issues etc. That he was ignoring even his other friends, not only me and he won't do it anymore as he didn't want to hurt me. At the end I said that I only accept it cause I like him a lot (telling it to a person for the 2nd time in my life) and if I didn't, I'd get rid of him immediately. I'd like to note that when someone crosses a line of my patience, I'm able to delete them from my life. Block, ignore, never speak again. Done that with many people, even if they suddenly appeared after years of ghosting.
He said he also liked me. Later that day, I needed to know one information related to our work and we called again. We spoke for almost 2 hours and again joked, laughed, teased each other. He mentioned how sad he was I didn't join him on the couch the day he helped me with furniture and so on. I was surprised from this behavior as he seemed not interested and didn't even hug me.
That day, I asked him if he would like to celebrate my birthday with me as I don't want to be alone and maybe go for a beer. He said sure as he finishes at noon so we can go out for a while due to his early start the next day. I was happy and excited that in this stupid place, I won't spend my bday alone. Stupid me. Of course he couldn't make it due to unspecified reasons, he only wrote me a message in the evening that day with an additional sour bday wish. Just after I asked if he forgot about me. So instead of a funny afternoon, I spend my birthday in tears. At least if I saw he is trying to reschedule it but nothing. I replied I'm so disappointed cause again, he didn't let me know and made me wait like a fool. He replied he doesn't know what to say that it had to be a misunderstanding as he wasn't having a day off. The worst is, I can't remember what exactly he said that day we arranged my bday meeting but somehow, I don't think it was the way he presented it.
After this stupid-*** excuse, I said that fine, I won't ask again. And he left me on read. Almost 2 weeks later, full of mixed feelings about him, replaying our happy moments, jokes and stuff, I just sent him a photo related to our work. He reacted with a heart and I called him (IDK WHY as I had nothing to say) but he texted he can't call. I wished him to enjoy his brother's company and he thanked and wished me a nice evening too. And that's it. I am a gigantic moron who can't somehow block his *** from my life. Idk why I'm constantly thinking about him even if he treats me like a *** and why I accept it. It's just I loved his attention, or the fact he liked me because as bad as it sounds, I'm 26 years old and I've never had a boyfriend and never felt loved by someone. Of course, family is present, but I mean this love between couples. There were some guys who tried but it was just so off that I backed off and they of course were angry or threatened me with rape if I won't accept it or simply ghosted me. I feel frustrated because someone is lucky to experience such from young age and then here's me, who gets almost nothing. I know I sound childish but I'd also want to know how it feels when someone you like is returning your feelings, is holding your hand, kissing you. Maybe I'm reading or watching too much love stories to have such imagination, but I want to finally know how it is when you matter for someone. So far, I'm meeting only abandonment, cruel games, lack of communication. I'm tired of being just an option, I want to be a priority too. Judging the frequency this colleague replies to me (once per day or twice when I'm lucky), he ain't interested into me anymore and with my behavior I destroyed everything. I'm feeling like a s**t for weeks, I'm crying a lot, hating the place I live with, hate my job environment and people I'm with. I'm angry with myself that I'm not strong to send him to *** and detach from him. But it's been years since I liked a person enough to actually want something more. I'm cold when it comes to affection or relationships as I barely like anyone on this level. Maybe that's why I ache so much, because I finally met a person who I allowed to touch me and liked it. Someone I even imagined I'd be a couple with, and would hug freely and feel finally happy in my little comfortable cocoon. But the betrayal I felt on my birthday broke something in me and I feel I am losing my feelings for him. To be honest, I can't wait to leave this city, this country and be far away from people who I call my colleagues now. That's why I started working hard during my training and want to speed up the process, just to get away from here and start somewhere else.
Thank you if you have reached the end. I tend to write a lot and speak too if my life becomes overwhelming. But I think it'll help me. =) Have a nice day/evening/night, wherever you are. 😉
Oh, and the chocolate he brought for me... I still haven't received it. Guess I'll never do, but I just don't care.
