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Di4raye
3 2,950 M Hopeful Heart 7
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts56 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2026 Member sinceAugust 17, 2023
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POCD ( I’m lost )
OCD & Related Behaviors / by Di4raye
Last post
 January 3rd
...See more I’m coming here yet again , as I’m dealing with evil mean intrusive thoughts, I am now convinced that I’m a pedophile or committed pedophilic acts and the guilt is eating me alive and I’m really stress right now so I’m going to rent about recents events : 2 years ago , when I were 15 , I remember seeing on social media the news announcing the death of a 14 yo Asian kid who used to be known since she was 9 year old as an “ influencer “ / troll who 3 years earlier had revealed being abused by her parents/ family I didn’t paid much attention before but the death news shocked me and stucked with me . I felt kind of bad/ sad , starting making research about the case and kind of got obsessed, to the point where it was in my mind almost all day , watching videos about the case , the old videos of the kid ( no one had any recent image of her , as she has not made a return to social medial or public apparition) , always having an image of the kid in my head , even when listening to sad music I would think about it , or truly doing anything ( nothing weird or s€xual ) I remember even when watching tik tok dances ( with weird lyrics ( ex : pop smoke )/ nostalgic ***’s reminiscing of that time or others influencers she were around, after all it were revealed to be an death hoax made by her father but in this story what bothers me the most is to think why was I so invested in this case ? Was I attracted to the child ? ( she was normal pretty cute looking child ) What made me so interested? Even worse , I remember one time I were watching a video idk how but it got me to imagining the sexuality of the kid now ( I really don’t know how to explain or how I even got to it ) and then feeling an anxious feeling as a disgusting pedophile lusting over an child ( like a gay pedophile wishing for child to become gay in the future as this give him more of an “ chance “ that is just weird and idk how could anyone imagine that . I feel very very weird . The girl is not 18 so 1 year older but that doesn’t make it any okay I have other things to say but I’ll make an other thread or this will be too long
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Mean intrusive thoughts (Trigger warning for content)
OCD & Related Behaviors / by Di4raye
Last post
 January 1st
...See more Hello everyone, I am writing to you because I have been feeling very frustrated for a few days/months, even years. I am constantly being attacked by extremely mean, even racist thoughts. I can see the most beautiful girl in the world (or pretty celebrities that I usually like, or girls I know) and have thoughts calling them ugly, failed, fake, redone, etc., or even strangers in general. I can also insult them, call them ***, have racist thoughts when I see people of color or anything related to it (accent, culture) (I am a person of color myself), homophobic thoughts, grossphobic thoughts even towards thin people, have negative thoughts about religion, wish people harm, insult them, sexualize them (sexual images or thoughts), make jokes about horrible things (make fun of death, tragedies, rape, disability, diseases). It's like these thoughts are always looking for something to criticize, especially the people I usually like or that I would have no desire to hate. Then there is like a second voice that retaliates by insulting me (saying things like: "Shut up, ***", "***/***", "Racist insults", "you project", "You're miserable", "you know" "It's wrong", "You need help, you crazy", "Die", etc. At first, they were disgusting thoughts towards children, and now it's become that. After that, I feel hypocritical when I appreciate things in the same people about whom I had these thoughts. I hear a second voice saying to me: "Didn't you just hate them? That person would really hate you," "If they knew that, they would never forgive you", "You're a hypocrite", and the cycle repeats itself... It has become so intense that I feel it physically (I don't know how to explain it, in addition to the anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed). Sometimes, I pinch myself or punch myself to make it pass. I think it's just projection and insecurity, because before I only had these thoughts for myself, but now I really feel like I'm going crazy. I did my best to ignore them, but they keep coming back. Is there a solution or a medicine to solve this problem? (As I write this, I have these thoughts. Sorry for the English mistakes.) (This is not my mother tongue.) As I’m finishing writing these over the past days I had multiple racist thoughts and today yet again I were videos about celebrities that I like and had really really really mean thoughts about them and I can’t help but feel very guilty as these thoughts sound very intentional
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