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DianneZa
157 M Embraced 1
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts4 Forum posts19 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceApril 26, 2014
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Two of My Three Children Told Me to Commit Suicide
Safety & Knowledge at 7 Cups / by DianneZa
Last post
 November 26th, 2014
...See more I even tried.  I took 90 klonapin and slept through the night.  Two days later the police showed up, because I posted something to a relative that made them think I had just taken the pills and I wound up in a psych ward for 5 days. I lost my job.  I'm, 1099, so you have NO employee protection.  And I have 3 weeks to find a new place to live. Meanwhile I go to a page on "Advice on Suicide".  No. 1, Never stay alone.  My landlord has sold his house, flown off to the East Coast and I am here alone for the next three weeks. No. 2 - Talk to a friend or relative who cares.  Well, guess what.  Only one does and he cannot bear the burden of it alone.  So I asked for some help from my other two kids and they told me to just do and put them out of this misery. No. 3 - Extended family.  My closest sister is just going through the joy of her first grandchild's birth, so I can't lay stuff like this on her.  Another sister won't talk to me. The third is disabled after three bouts of cancer.  Three brothers and only one talks to me, but he is working two jobs and is 3 hours different in time. no. 4 - Seek Help.  There are no local face to face therapists.  NV has been overrun since Obamacare started.  Most therapists only work 4 days a week, 9 to 5 which is when I'm working - so I use a telephone therapist.  I have one scheduled for 6 pm. I do not want to continue to live my life the way I have for over five years.  I can't bear the idea of another 15 or 20 like this since I can never retire.  I don't know what to do. The hospital was surreal.  They take away the caffeine and everything assumes a dreamlike quality.  they hold therapy sessions where you can't think straight because your brain is so fuzzed.  You see a doctor who talks to you for 3 minutes a day, changes your prescription and suddenly you can't sleep.  like for 3 days. Help.  
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really bad dreams
Depression Support / by DianneZa
Last post
 July 9th, 2014
...See more i am older, 58.  i have no retirement to look forward to, live pay check to pay check, and have lost connections to family and friends.   but last night, i kept falling asleep and each time i slept i had the most vivid bad dreams--but they were of times in life that have long passed by.  in one, i was 18 agan and trying to figure out how to pay for college (which I never attended).  my parents (both gone) were  there and had brought in various neighbors I hadn't thought of in years---waking up and pulling myself from the dream was so hard, that for moments after it happened, i thought it was all real. the same thing happened three times after that -- all differnt periods of life and what kept waking me was the need to get up and go to the ladies' but then i would get sucked under again. i finallly dragged myself from bed.  i had to clutch railing walking downstairs and borrowed a roommmates's mountain dew to try to wake up.  i've quit smoking, but i found an old pack and fired up coffee and vowed to not go back to sleep. i retalize that I am a person who has no dreams -- i work in a city where employers can treat you any way they like and let you go for no reason. my son says everyone has a dream and i realized i don't.  i live day to day. i'm ashamed of my being poor. and bad luck. i take meds for depression and anxiety.  each day i have to pretend, even when i'm not, that things are well.  people my age don't want drama, emotioon or problems.  they are old and have enough of their own. i just want to know how to find a dream again and followi it through.  if i can only make $10 an hr the rest of my life it should be something i love to do. if i can never retire, it should be something i love to do. but i cana't go to school, because i can't afford to pay on my student loans--right now, i can't even afford t pay my income tax. i just want to find a dream again. any ideas?
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