really bad dreams

i am older, 58. i have no retirement to look forward to, live pay check to pay check, and have lost connections to family and friends.

but last night, i kept falling asleep and each time i slept i had the most vivid bad dreams--but they were of times in life that have long passed by. in one, i was 18 agan and trying to figure out how to pay for college (which I never attended). my parents (both gone) were there and had brought in various neighbors I hadn't thought of in years---waking up and pulling myself from the dream was so hard, that for moments after it happened, i thought it was all real.

the same thing happened three times after that -- all differntperiods of life and what kept waking me was the need to get up and go to the ladies' but then i would get sucked under again.

i finallly dragged myself from bed. i had to clutch railing walking downstairs and borrowed a roommmates'smountain dew to try to wake up. i've quit smoking, but i found an old pack and fired up coffee and vowed to not go back to sleep.

i retalize that I am a person who has no dreams -- i work in a city where employers can treat you any way they like and let you go for no reason.

my son says everyone has a dream and i realized i don't. i live day to day. i'm ashamed of my being poor. and bad luck.

i take meds for depression and anxiety. each day i have to pretend, even when i'm not, that things are well. people my age don't want drama, emotioon or problems. they are old and have enough of their own.

i just want to know how to find a dream again and followiit through. if i can only make $10 an hr the rest of my life it should be something i love to do. if i can never retire, it should be something i love to do. but i cana't go to school, because i can't afford to pay on my student loans--right now, i can't even afford t pay my income tax.

i just want to find a dream again.

any ideas?