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Hydrangea03
1 14,674 M Progress Road
PathStep 173 Compassion hearts302 Forum posts642 Forum upvotes914 Current upvotes914 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2026 Member sinceApril 4, 2015
Bio

Hi, I’m Hydrangea. My pronouns are they/them.


Recent forum posts
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God has abandoned me
The Church Cares / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 June 18th
...See more Where is God? Where is he? I am in so much pain. I have a debilitating chronic pain, first. Then my love life is just…awful (btw, no s*x involved). I feel so alone and unwanted and recently a new wound has opened. I think God has abandoned me. I’m sure of this. God has left me alone. I’ve suffered way too many times, way too long. I’m in so, so much pain. God has abandoned me. I'm nothing and no one to him anymore. Where is God? Why is he letting me go through this ALONE? Does he not know that my pain is immense? Why is he not doing anything? WHY? WHERE IS GOD? WHERE IS GOD? WHERE IS GOD? WHERE IS GOD?
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Please pray that I don’t relive my trauma
Religion & Spirituality / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 July 30th, 2025
...See more Be kind and no judgements please. I’m F22. So is going to sound really, really stupid and pathetic of me but I’ve seemed to lost all hope. In 2023, I suffered a failed situationship that left me extremely traumatized. With time, I moved on. God is so good to me and I healed completely. Until right now, where I found myself in love with another person that is giving me mixed signals. I’ve been crying for days and getting constant anxiety & panic attacks in fear of reliving my trauma. I know, as I said, this sounds stupid because to some people “it’s just a situationship/heartbreak”, but I was genuinely diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist. In other words, I just want that person to like me back. It’s okay if we end up breaking up later or whatever but I truly love them and would like to experience being loved back at least once in my life. Plus I dread reliving the trauma of loving someone that doesn’t love me back. Again, I’m sorry that this sounds so petty and stupid. But my heart is genuine and my pain is real.  There is no peace in my heart and mind. I keep on begging God to not let me relive my trauma, to have mercy on me and spare me the suffering the pain of another one-sided love, to help that person open their heart for me. But God’s answer, for now, seems to be ‘Wait’. But I’m in so much pain. I don’t want to relive my trauma. I might not survive it if it happens again. There is not a single day where I don’t get PTSD flashbacks, panic & anxiety attacks, and cry. I would drop to my knees and scream to God that it hurts, help me, save me, have mercy on me. I’ve begun to second-guess if God is even listening to my cries and tears. Please, please pray for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel unworthy of love. I feel like God has abandoned me. Please pray for me. Note: no sexual relations or adultery involved in my situationships. 
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treatment-resistant depression
Depression Support / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 August 25th, 2023
...See more My doctor suspected I have treatment-resistant depression. And I guess everything makes so much sense now. I've been trying and changing so many medications for over a decade but nothing seemed to ever work, or I feel better for a while before the medicine ceases to work out. In my 10+ years of finding help, I think this is the first psychiatrist who genuinely believed me when I said the pain is constant and never stops. The rest seemed to have given up on me or I gave up on them, both for the same reason: because I never got better. But I do wonder if there's a way out of TRD. Does anyone else have the same experience? Long time ago, when my depression started getting pretty hideous, kind people would tell me that 'it gets better'. It didn't, never did, not even 10 years later. 10-ish years ago I hadn't even graduated primary school yet. I'm a univerity student now, but I still feel like that little kid from a decade ago, intensely sad and empty and often for no reason.
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Can’t take it anymore
Depression Support / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 February 6th, 2022
...See more With each passing moment, the only thought I have is that I can’t possibly stand this anymore. I don’t know how to cope. Really, what should I do when I’ve come to the point when I feel like I’m so overwhelmed I can’t take it anymore?
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(TW) overdosing as a method of selfharm
Self-Harm Recovery / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 July 20th, 2021
...See more TW: deliberate overdose of medication ​​​​​​— — Might be an ‘uncommon’ method of self-harm but this is what I do. I won’t go into great details but I often impulsively take an amount of medicine of different kinds - the dose is more than what is recommended for each medicine, but not lethal enough to be immediately dangerous. After that, most of the time I won’t physically feel anything other than perhaps a little sick, dizzy and nauseous. But it’s the awareness that I have ‘punished’ my body that I can’t drop self-harming. I know in the long-term it’s going to be a health hazard for my liver, but that’s my aim because I feel like I don’t have a future anyway. But, just in case I change my mind someday, I’d love tips on how to overcome this method of self-harm. (By the way, I can’t afford therapy + I have trauma related to therapy/counseling so that’s out of the picture. I don’t have anyone in my life that can help me and I 100% mean it, trust me, I’ve been trying for nearly a decade. At this point external help is impossible, so I’d only like to know how *I* can help *myself*)
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Depression made me bitter
Depression Support / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 March 25th, 2021
...See more It’s been so long since I last experienced genuine happiness...the best I can feel is numbness. I feel like my life is falling apart, I have multitudes of worries every day, and I can’t even remember when the last time something good happened to me was. And I’ve begun to realize that this has made me a bitter, jealous person. I really can no longer stand seeing other people’s happiness...it hurts because I want to be like them, but I can’t and have never been so in seven years. I’m seeing the people I know hanging out and having fun, winning competitions, getting into their dream universities, while I’m crumbling and getting more emotionally wrecked with each passing day. I’m aware that everyone has their share of struggles and I feel terrible for being irrationally upset at other people’s joys. Although I’ve never and would never vent my anger to anyone about this, I still feel it’s so unfair. I’m unattractive, a poor student, unsociable, helpless and hopeless and top of all extremely depressed...it feels so unfair that I suffer so much. It’s not like I wish others would suffer like me, instead I wish *I could not suffer so much like them.* One example of this is when I see someone is happily in therapy and medication. This is a wonderful thing but as much as I try to be happy for them, I only end up get sad for myself, because I’m unable to get my mental illnesses treated and medicated due to various reasons. You can think of me as a terrible person for this or tell me that I’m one and I won’t be angry because you’re right. But I really want to be able to get over this bitterness too. Does anyone know how? It feels impossible to have a positive outlook in a life like this anymore, but I want to know if there’s a way to stop being so bitter, even if for just a little bit.
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