Please pray that I don’t relive my trauma
Be kind and no judgements please. I’m F22. So is going to sound really, really stupid and pathetic of me but I’ve seemed to lost all hope. In 2023, I suffered a failed situationship that left me extremely traumatized.
With time, I moved on. God is so good to me and I healed completely. Until right now, where I found myself in love with another person that is giving me mixed signals.
I’ve been crying for days and getting constant anxiety & panic attacks in fear of reliving my trauma. I know, as I said, this sounds stupid because to some people “it’s just a situationship/heartbreak”, but I was genuinely diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist. In other words, I just want that person to like me back. It’s okay if we end up breaking up later or whatever but I truly love them and would like to experience being loved back at least once in my life. Plus I dread reliving the trauma of loving someone that doesn’t love me back. Again, I’m sorry that this sounds so petty and stupid. But my heart is genuine and my pain is real.
There is no peace in my heart and mind. I keep on begging God to not let me relive my trauma, to have mercy on me and spare me the suffering the pain of another one-sided love, to help that person open their heart for me. But God’s answer, for now, seems to be ‘Wait’. But I’m in so much pain. I don’t want to relive my trauma. I might not survive it if it happens again. There is not a single day where I don’t get PTSD flashbacks, panic & anxiety attacks, and cry. I would drop to my knees and scream to God that it hurts, help me, save me, have mercy on me. I’ve begun to second-guess if God is even listening to my cries and tears.
Please, please pray for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel unworthy of love. I feel like God has abandoned me. Please pray for me.
Note: no sexual relations or adultery involved in my situationships.
@Hydrangea03
You are not petty or stupid for feeling such a way. I fully believe that your pain is real, that you live in truth and your tears are meaningful.
I have loved and been invisible. I know the pain. I fall in love quite easily as I see light in a lot of people, so it is a repeating trauma. I have cried because of people that barely know me.
I think, for some, they put up walls. Sometimes one needs to know more in order to feel love. You seem to know a lot quickly. Others may not be as quick as you, have such strong intuition. So perhaps God is right in that you should wait, but I think He would want you to be unashamed in showing your good side. If you are kind and honest and gentle and completely you, something will surely develop if it's meant to happen. You cannot force love, but you can put your best foot forward and cling to hope.
I pray that God shows you the way. I pray that He gives you strength to love yourself while you wait. I pray that you find faith in yourself, and that that belief carries you through tough times.
You can still cry if you need, there is no shame in that. I cry almost daily, for various reasons. Sometimes out of happiness, sometimes sadness, sometimes out of emotions you wouldn't expect.
I hope you heal faster each time, that the intensity lessens, and you not only find your peace, but your one.
@Hydrangea03 Hello Hydrangea! First and foremost, I acknowledge the depth of your feelings and the pain you're experiencing. It's completely valid to feel overwhelmed and anxious, especially after what you have been through. But I want to assure you that you're not alone in this.
I can relate to you and know this feelings. The want to be loved by someone fully and genuinely. Who never go away you and stays with you through the thick anc thin of life.
Your heart ♥ is genuine and your desire for love and connection is beautiful. You are loveable and you deserve all the love in the world. Whoever have you as a partner would be very lucky to have you.
It's okay to cry. I also used to cry a lot. It helps to let out the pain you are keeping within you deep. It is understandable to fear reliving past trauma but it's also important to honor those feelings than dismiss them.
Please try to focus on self-compassion and remind yourself that you're worthy of love, regardless of the outcomes of your relationship. I'll also suggest you keep sharing your thoughts with your therapist as they can guide you through your journey.
I'm sending you a lot of love and the moment I start reading your post and kind of felt connected with the prayer were started within myself for you. And I also like to tell which mean it that I truly love you as a human being for the way you're and please be yourself always.
@Hydrangea03 prayers your way. May peace be with you.
