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Ichi
112 M Embraced 1
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceApril 12, 2014
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Well s**t...
Depression Support / by Ichi
Last post
 January 29th, 2015
...See more Ya I'm not so great with titles... Anyways... Onto what I came here for... Venting and what not...   So every here and there I have these incredibly (lucid?) realistic feeling dreams, where somehow I wind up dead. Sometimes it's through suicide, others it's just terrible luck. But the thing I hate about them the most, isn't when I wake up, panicked and scared, it's not the terrifying lead up to the end that keeps happening again, and again. Oh no... The thing I hate the most, is the sweet bliss feeling I get, when it finally sets in, that this is the end... That I don't have to deal with my fears, problems, disabilities, diseases, and other added things to the list of s**t that plagues me... I hate it because it haunts me... It's like this terrible reminder that "there's always this easy way out, a few seconds of terror, and then done..."   It's like I'm practicing mentally for when I'm going to try it (again.. Been in the hospital because of it...). I don't want to kill myself... I've hit rock bottom moments in my life... I've hit dead ends where I just couldn't do anything... The worst was when I had the option to either sit in my empty home way out in the middle of no where (sealed off garage that was called a bachelor...) with no food, no money, and no one to talk too... Or just be done with it. So ya, I tried taking the easier way out... Only reason I survived was because my neighbor thought I was blasting music to loud, and saw me through the window...    I think the thing that makes these depressing mood swings the worst, is that mine hit  late, late at night/early morning (2am - 6am...). At these times, I am utterly alone... No one is awake, and while I have attempted reaching out in the past, my attempts are often shot down with "can we talk about it later"... I've become so hateful... To everyone for that... I'm incredibly misunderstood, mainly because I come from a family of out going idiots/partiers... They are all happy/outriverts (or what ever the f**k it's called) and I am the lone nerd who doesn't want anything to do with alcohol, drugs, or parties...   The older I get, the more pathetic I feel complaining about these things... The problem does not ever seem to get better... My teens wasted to councilors and  psychiatrists... A disapproving family... There's so much I wish I could tell someone about, without it turning into a pity party, or a pissing contest in which we compare who's had it worse... I need help... But I have no one who can... I have no intent to just give up and die... Not again... The way I felt after the first time had failed... I've no intent to describe it... But I have never felt worse... But with the way things are going... The way are... I do believe that I'll come to make a mistake I can't take back....    It doesn't really  help that while this feels like a small and otherwise short explanation with many details skipped, to me... It's a long, and overly lengthened trip for others that  no ones got time for... As well the time I'm posting does not help either... By the time someone's responded to this, my depression will more then not be repressed, and no help can be given by the time that's happened... 
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Can't take joy in things I don't create..?
Depression Support / by Ichi
Last post
 November 29th, 2016
...See more So let me start out by saying- I suffer from severe depression. I've been in the hospital, attempted suicide, etc., etc., etc., the whole nine yards. There's been three major factors fueling my depression, and the first one is simple. It's just boredom. If I've got nothing to do, and  no one to talk to, etc., I get depressed quick.  The second is when I can literally take no interest in ANYTHING... There's these times where I just look at what usually brings me joy, and I go "Why do I like this? It's so pointless and it will take me no where and reasons this and reasons that on why it's such a bad and pointless boring thing to enjoy doing". Usually after a day or two, it's like it resets and/or goes away, and boom, I'm able to take joy in my usual things again.    The third one- and possibly the most problematic one... Is the fact that when I got and... Let's say watch a feel good movie, or an action movie- or just something I really enjoy all together- by the end of it, or when I stop, I hit this f**king well of depression! It literally just comes out of no where! I start hating the movie, or game, or book, or what ever it is I've just taken part in, and start hating everything with myself and it- and the reason is so stupid! The reason is: Because I didn't have anything/everything to do with it! It drives me insane! Especially with franchises I love! I want to call myself a narcissist- which I probably am all things considered, but I don't think that's the correct label for what ever it is that this is! Maybe it's just pure raw original selfishness, or something of that nature, but what ever it is, it makes it SO hard to take ANY joy in anything!    I'm an anti-social shut in, can't stand being around people for long periods of time- the narcissism kicks in way to quick in that regard... So beyond movies, and the internet... My options are limites (games, books, etc., etc.,). Even things as simply as Youtube channels upset me into this depression pit.   Jealousy maybe? "Well go out and try being like the people you 'admire' ?"  I would love to just snap my fingers and become a big time movie star, or a successful _________ but there's a lot of people in this world... The only thing I could make money off of, is my writing- and that's IF I was lucky enough to find someone  willing to sign me- however, sprinkle that with severe depression, and random spouts of no interest that can last for days... I could never finish a book on time with a deadline. "Well find a publisher that doesn't have a specific deadline". Anyone who thinks that's actually a thing needs to do some fact checking... Not to be rude or anything.    Long late night rant where insomnia and no interest right now is taking me, thanks to those who took the time to read, bigger thanks to those who respond. 
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