Well s**t...
Ya I'm not so great with titles... Anyways... Onto what I came here for... Venting and what not...
So every here and there I have these incredibly (lucid?) realistic feeling dreams, where somehow I wind up dead. Sometimes it's through suicide, others it's just terrible luck. But the thing I hate about them the most, isn't when I wake up, panicked and scared, it's not the terrifying lead up to the end that keeps happening again, and again. Oh no... The thing I hate the most, is the sweet bliss feeling I get, when it finally sets in, that this is the end... That I don't have to deal with my fears, problems, disabilities, diseases, and other added things to the list of s**t that plagues me... I hate it because it haunts me... It's like this terrible reminder that "there's always this easy way out, a few seconds of terror, and then done..."
It's like I'm practicing mentally for when I'm going to try it (again.. Been in the hospital because of it...). I don't want to kill myself... I've hit rock bottom moments in my life... I've hit dead ends where I just couldn't do anything... The worst was when I had the option to either sit in my empty home way out in the middle of no where (sealed off garage that was called a bachelor...) with no food, no money, and no one to talk too... Or just be done with it. So ya, I tried taking the easier way out... Only reason I survived was because my neighbor thought I was blasting music to loud, and saw me through the window...
I think the thing that makes these depressing mood swings the worst, is that mine hit late, late at night/early morning (2am - 6am...). At these times, I am utterly alone... No one is awake, and while I have attempted reaching out in the past, my attempts are often shot down with "can we talk about it later"... I've become so hateful... To everyone for that... I'm incredibly misunderstood, mainly because I come from a family of out going idiots/partiers... They are all happy/outriverts (or what ever the f**k it's called) and I am the lone nerd who doesn't want anything to do with alcohol, drugs, or parties...
The older I get, the more pathetic I feel complaining about these things... The problem does not ever seem to get better... My teens wasted to councilors and psychiatrists... A disapproving family... There's so much I wish I could tell someone about, without it turning into a pity party, or a pissing contest in which we compare who's had it worse... I need help... But I have no one who can... I have no intent to just give up and die... Not again... The way I felt after the first time had failed... I've no intent to describe it... But I have never felt worse... But with the way things are going... The way are... I do believe that I'll come to make a mistake I can't take back....
It doesn't really help that while this feels like a small and otherwise short explanation with many details skipped, to me... It's a long, and overly lengthened trip for others that no ones got time for... As well the time I'm posting does not help either... By the time someone's responded to this, my depression will more then not be repressed, and no help can be given by the time that's happened...
one sentence: don't do it. Suicide is not the answer. There is no way to get a peaceful, painless death. It will be slow and agonizing. Stay alive. Others would kill for the opportunities you have now.
First, let me say thankyou for actually replying. You're the first person to actually respond to any of my posts on this site. So please don't be offended or anything of the like with my response, as it is, going to be, fairly negative...
Between a life, in and out of the hospital, with one medical problem after the other, I'm pretty sure I've spent a grand total of 2/5ths of my life in a hospital bed. My mother was a partier, and wasn't aware she was pregnant until far to late... ie: lots of drugs, alcohol, etc., etc., etc. It was to the point, where originally I was supposed to be born a girl, but came out a boy due to mutation of> (I don't know enough about the subject to go any further into it... so just imagine a large variety of big words meaning something that rounds up to why my gender changed in the womb.)
As well to top it, my body is incredibly chemically imbalanced. Seratonin is one of my bigger difficincies (along with iron). So often I'm hit with depression not even because I'm actually sad, but because of my body's lacking amount of the chemical. Yes, there's pills and other natural etc., but to do that, I'd have to take way more pills then I'm willing a day- and even then, it wouldn't even solve the problem as a hole, just make it maybe 20% better (was the estimate I was given).
There's more I could list but you get the gist of where I"m going on how my life has been- though having a mother who's openly stated she regrets having her kids- on multiple occasions, as well lost the ability to support said kids when I was 16, didn't help much either... She didn't take the steps to get us into a foster home or anything of the like, so I had to do it. Got my brother into a foster home, and then I had the choice between a s**ty trailer, or a youth agreement, so obviously I took a youth agreement. So I've been on my own since 16- yes other people have done it- and at younger, I don't care... I've done it while in and out of the hospital with a vareity of medical issues to follow me... Yes I'm sure others have had it harder then me but forgive me when I say I don't care about those people... I've got more problems then I should for my age- AND to top it all off, the newest medical slap in the face is degenerative Disk disease that's apparently come and decided to f**k me. I've been given about a year and a half to two years, before I get to sit in a wheel chair the rest of my life... I get that there's people out there with days or what not left to live, but look... I'm not as strong as people who have it worse, and still manage to "make it".... I don't just want to f**king make it like the last 4 pathetic generations of my family... I actually want to make something of my life... I'm not exactly lacking intellectually, but between no money, and a medical history that's ruining my life, college / everything else is far from easy... I've got no f**king support...
That being said, I don't intend to kill myself... I just want help... Only problem is, I've no idea WHERE to get this help... And even then, I need someonesphysical help... My social anxiety makes it hard to even talk to others in a chat room... Let alone over the phone or face to face... In the eyes of most, it probably seems like I'm asking a lot, but I've had to do EVERYTHING I shouldn't of had to (help mother with taxes, help her get a job, get brother into foster home, etc., etc., etc., etc., )... I can't do it anymore... Do you know what it's like, laying in a hospital bed thinking that you could die, while your mother only comes to visit because she needs help with her F**KING TAXES, AT NINE YEARS OLD!?!?!? WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?
I was forced with independence at a young age- yes my mother was there, but she was the adult with the signature, and that was it... Did she work? Technically... I helped her get a real job (with an add agency) but she quit to become a prostitute because she thought it was to hard.... She made less then half as a prostitute... The s**t I've had to put up with? I could keep going on, and on- and on... Seriously... I feel like I could spend years writing out everything my family has put me through... But it would all be pointless, as well a waste of time... Anyways... I digress...
If you're actually reading all this, again, thanks...
Keep writing here. The longer your posts the better. I'll keep reading, but what is more important is you get to hear what you're thinking as you write it. This has the EXACT same impact and value of talking to someone. Sure, a listener may give you support, and if you're lucky they'll have some kind of advice, but where they really provide solutions is that they allow YOU to find what you need when you say your thoughts out loud. Get them out of your head, where they bounce around in circles. If you say it, or type it, you have to consider, does that make sense? Is that how I really feel? Am I okay with that feeling? Should I see if I could change that feeling. How could I change it? Why do i feel that way? Is that really why? etc.
Keep writing. :)
I apologize for the late response. Thing in my life took a turn for the worse. I've returned to the hospital- not due to attempted suicide granted. Despite that I'm out now, and have returned home with the impending trip back looming over my head continually.
To top it off my anxiety has gone through the roof due to earthquake warnings. Supposedly I'm (everyone where I live) is supposed to be expecting a magnatude 9+ earthquake to hit sometime within the next 50 years. It could be at any point... Tonight, Tomorrow, A year, or twenty! Regardless... I don't know when it's coming and I've not the money to move myself- nor will I... Due to everything that's happened, I've been moved to disability... I get $900 a month... Between bills food and rent... I have little to nothing left to save... Most would/have said cut what I don't need. Certain foods, internet, dumb down my phone service...
I've come to see the internet as a need in my life- as unfortunate as it is... It is literally my only outlet... I am a role player- meaning I create characters and play them out in a variety of ways. Forum role plays, mmo role plays... My whole life is online... Most of (if not all) of my friends are online... I can be what/who I've always wanted to be this way- and it's quickly proving the only way for me to achieve these dreams...
My thought process is swerving as I've been awake for the last 3 days (can't sleep with the whole earthquake thing...) but conspiracy theories have always interested me as much as they've terrified me... I've always had a "well if it doesn't happen then fantastic!- but if it does, then at least I'm informed and ready" sort of way of thinking about it. This might not seem bad, but when I'm losing sleep over it... It quickly becomes problematic...
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life... And the options that would normally be presented to me (even though they were small to begin with) keep dwindling... Everytime I look at my life, the only thing I can see, is "this is about as good as it's going to get..."
It could mean many things... I won't own any land/property in my life time- I can't make enough money for that on a measely $900 a month... A $900 that I don't even make myself... I am a leach on society... I give nothing back... I live off tax payers money... I can't even afford to put the money back into local buisnesses... They're to expensive... I hate myself for the way I'm stuck living... The thing that bothers me the most when I think of my depression, and what it may lead to... Is "Who would miss me?"
Now I don't think of that in a "I need some pity, please miss me" kind of way- I mean it in the very literal sense, as I'm genuienlycurious. Sure, you, or others who read this may try and say "I'll miss you". but that is a lie- you may wish for me not to kill myself, but you would not miss me- you couldn't, you do not know me, beyond the information I supply through these posts... In the real world, the one not resting peacefully behind my monitor... I would not be missed... I would be a short article in the news paper- if even that, and then nothing... My mother may greive as her "parenting card" might get a smudge, but ultimately she'd move on rather quickly.
My brother? We despise one another- and not in the pathetic childish way... He is in prison... You can fill in the blanks yourself in that regard.
I do have one friend here in the real world, but we've grown out of touch... I've tried contacting him occasionally, but he is busy with his own life- and I do not blame him for that. He has a full time job, lives on his own, and has a girl friend. His life is busy... I would try to say that I'm not jealous of him- but it is obvious that I am... I wish I had his life... His passion to exceed... His drive... I wish that I could be like him in the sense that one things start going well for me... I don't hit this mental wall of depression, and suddenly drop everything... Usually it's my health that causes me to hit said wall... But I don't know for certain...
Again, thankyou for reading. It is appreciated.
Well, as for your social anxiety have you tried any ways to over come it? Like breathing exercises before you go out or going out with people whom you're comfortable with?
I can see that you have a lot of issues that relate back to your Mother. Maybe if you had some sort of clarification of her remorse for her actions and having you, at such a young age, be the adult, would this help you overcome your anxiety and obvious pain towards her?
Sometimes people can't keep their shit together if they tried, and trust me that's not your fault. You've tried. & you shouldn't have to anymore. You are an adult and have problems of your own. Just remember that. Her problems are not yours and you are your own person.
I think maybe a good thing for you to do is talk to your Mother and tell her how you feel now and how she has made you feel. It's hard letting people figure out their own stuff by themselves, but you have you to worry about.
Good luck!
I've tried a variety of remedies towards calming myself. Deep breathing (as you mentioned) medatating, jogging, working out (when my health allows it), etc.They don't work for me- or at least they haven't.
As for people to go out with, I've no one I'm comftorable going out with... The outside world terrifies me unfortunately as I am a coward... I get sick to easily and it doesn't take much to send me back to the hospital... Just a simple bus ride is a gamble for me...
As for my mother... I harbor more hatred towards her then I should... I am far from quick to forgive... It's unfortunate, but I've become cold and bitter... I have a very simple "be there for me, and I'll be there for you" way of thinking- and she was most definitly not there for me... I have attempted talking with her in the past, and often it leads to nothing... The occasional timesit's seemed I was getting through to her, she got angry... Telling me she tried her best- to which I angrily called her on her bulls**t... Getting really, really high, and hot boxing the house with your friend while you know your child is on their way home from school, is not trying your best... Giving up a good paying job with benefits for you and your family, to become a prototute because the better job was "to hard", was not trying your best... I could keep going but you get where my mind is in regards to her...
You're right that her problems are not mine, but hearing about them often just provoke me to complain to her about my problems (she see's me as a vent at this point... I often don't even answer the phone when she calls anymore...).
I stopped being able to keep my s**t together, after I attempted taking my own life... I had given up on everything, and everyone... And truth be told, still have... But I am a coward... To afraid to try again... If I tried again and failed again... I could never live with the pity I would get... I'll never forget the week of care I got from my family after I tried... It was like I actually existed for once... Like they just wanted to support me, rather then control me or shape me............. It was horrible... It was not them... It was just guilt... And I could see it in their eyes... As soon as the first week had passed, everything went back to normal, as though nothing had happened... Some might see this and go "I'll just try it again to get the attention!" as I've stated before... I do not want pity... I despise it... It makes people stop being themselves... I do not need people wearing masks in my life...
I know it's selfish to want/say... But I'm tired of worrying about myself... I want someone else to do it for a change... I want to be taken care of/supported... I want what I've never had... Even if just to know what I missed out on for a short while... I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am of hearing "well you know... You're the responsible one, so we often just expect you to take care of yourself...".... No matter how much I try and tell them that I am not responsible... That I just want a little help... Nothing...
Thank you for reading.
Hi, Ichi. I think it's human nature to compare ourselves and/or our problems to others; to do that is as human as any other emotion. The habit of making comparisons, a lot of times, results in us coming up short and somehow not being as good as everyone else. It can also have us thinking that others have harder problems (or, in other cases, easier problems) than us. All of this comparing can result in emotional pain that cuts right through to our very core. The reality is that life is hard. All problems are hard. Hard = hard. No matter who we are. You undeniably deserve the very best support as you move forward with your life.
As a man who is now just a leech to his society... I feel I don't deserve the very best support... I live off disability (now...), meaning I live off taxpayer money... Yes I have the medical problems that require that kind of support... But what about those who just want to make a basic living... And want for their money to go into their home/country/etc.,... I used to be like that... angry at people like me... It's almost ironic that I'm now stuck here myself... I compare myself mainly because I am purely jealous of everyone elses (or most peoples) options... The whole world is their oyster... Yet some pout and do nothing... Others claim they can't... What I would give, to trade places with the bratty child who lives at home with mom and dad, who have an acceptable relationship, a normal sized home, and regular debt- just a normal boring life... I'd love to trade with them... and see how they react to it... Make them appreciate what I can't have... Maybe it's just arrogance that makes me think that way, but it angers me regardless... While others have a warm, caring, loving family, or friends to go crying to... Someone to talk to... I have the cold embrace of my monitor... My eye's aren't red from tears... They're red from staring at my computer monitor to long... I can't even count the times I've just stared at it while it was shut off, staring back at my own reflection in it, as if expecting it to do something... To start talking... Give me advice... Help me somehow... What I would give......
