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I recently started researching narcissism because I really didn't know what it was. I've been watching videos, reading articles, etc. I've been married for 18 years and haven't been happy for a long time. Turns out that my wife has a LOT of narcissistic characteristics. So I have been taking the time to think about our history and type out things that just didn't seem right at the time and still don't. A lot of them fit perfectly in the narcissist toolbox from what I can gather.
That being said, I've been seriously considering leaving her. But, I want to do the right thing. I don't want to hurt her, but I also want to be happy again. Below I've copied and pasted the memories that I have typed out so far. They are not in chronological order. Warning. It's pretty long. I would like to know what others think about this and whether I'm on the right track or am I just crazy and being stupid.
When I got deployed, we discussed sending sexy stories to each other while I was gone. I wrote some and emailed to her. I never got any in return. Turns out, she did write at least one, but emailed it to someone else instead. She had some excuse as to why she sent it to them. Something about having them see if it was good or not or something like that. I don't remember exactly. But either way, it was never send to me. She said that that's all I wanted to talk about when I talked to her. But isn't that what she got mad about when I was home; that she wanted it all the time, but I wasn't as into it as her?
I used to play guitar with my cousin and brother. When I would go there to play, she would tell me it was OK for me to go. Then when I would get home, she would be mad that I went or mad that I was gone so long. There was no prior discussion of what time she wanted me home. So I eventually quit going so we wouldn't fight about it.
I used to go fishing with a friend of mine. We would go most Friday nights and take the boat out. She got mad that I was fishing all the time. Granted it was almost every weekend, but usually only one night each weekend. We finally quit going because I got tired of fighting with her about it.
I used to do a lot of work in my garage. Woodworking, fixing things, stuff like that. She would get mad because I was spending too much time in the garage and not spending time with her. But she never would come out to the garage to hang out with me while I was doing something. I guess that wasn't spending time together.
When we were dating, we used to have sex a lot and try different things and had a lot of fun with it. Then I got to where I wasn't in the mood that much and that started a lot of fights over the years. Turns out, I have low testosterone, which makes sense because I have trouble growing facial hair and have very little hair on my chest. It took me years to figure out that that is what the problem is. I tried going to the dr. about it to no avail. She had me going to counseling and had a tendency to tell me that if she was pretty enough or if I was attracted to her enough that I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of her. That's not how it works. She has gotten to the point where she rarely takes a shower but still expects me to want to be with her. I've tried to tell her before that if she want to do stuff, she needs to take a shower. I've tried telling her without saying, which didn't get the point across. Then I tried telling her nicely straight up. Instead of changing anything, she just got mad and changed the discussion to how I was talking to her and saying she was dirty when in reality, I just want her to not stink if I'm going to be putting my face between her legs. She still rarely showers.
When I got back from Iraq, I got a job building farm equipment. She worked some but eventually just became a stay at home wife. She took care of the bills, cooked, cleaned, did laundry. After a while, I noticed that we were getting behind on bills and that she would be asleep when I got home from work nearly every day. The house wasn't getting cleaned and laundry was beginning to pile up. At different times, our electric was shut off more than once, our water was shut off more than once, cable and phone were shut off, car insurance policies were canceled with several companies, and we were 4 or 5 months behind on our mortgage. I wasn't making a lot of money, so being behind was nothing new. However, that wasn't why this happened. She simply wouldn't pay the bills. I would ask her if she paid such and such bill and she would say, Not yet. I'm going to tomorrow. But, she wouldn't do it. Eventually, I took over paying the bills and it took a very long time to get caught up. She ended up getting a new (used) car several years ago and got it herself on her own credit. She wouldn't make the payments. I would ask her if she made her car payment and she would give me the same asnwer as the stuff before. No, I'll do it tomorrow. Eventually, her car got repossessed and we had to pay a bunch of money to get it back. Of course, she was mad that they repoed her car. Not sure what she thought would happen if she didn't make the payments.
When I got the job building farm equipment, I was making better money than before. We decided to rent a trailer closer to my parents since we had been living with her parents for the past 4 years. A few months after moving there, my oldest brother was in from Alaska. Mom wanted to have a cookout and we were all invited. It was raining that day and I had to get my motorcycle from her parents and take it to our trailer. Due to the rain, we were delayed in getting to mom's for the cookout. So, they started without us. She got so mad about that. It spiraled out of control and I was expected to confront my parents about the issue. They came over to our house and we had a discussion about it and I thought it went well, but after they left, she left and went to her parents' and stayed the night. Then she got mad at me for not calling her to talk about it. We ended up fighting over this stuff numerous times because she said I was taking mom's side over hers. Eventually we moved. We ended up buying the house next door to her parents. I didn't want to move there, but in light of all the issues we were already having, I didn't want to argue with her over it since it would have just made things worse. We didn't talk to my parents for about 2 years after this.
Recently she has been wanting me to ask her to marry her again because she wants to renew our vowels. We went on an anniversary vacation to the beach last year and she fully expected me to propose to her again while we were there. I didn't know this till after we had left to come home. She says she wants to have plenty of time to plan the wedding and already has it in her mind of what she wants, where, who, all that. She tries to pressure me into asking her. Recently she said that since I haven't asked her yet, now if I do she's going to say no. No point in me asking if she's going to say no.
One of her best friends (who happens to be a man) is getting married and she wanted to be in the wedding party. The bride-to-be wants it to be a more traditional wedding; men on the groom's side, women on the bride's side. She got furious when she found this out. She was mad because he was taking the side of his fiance' over her. They have been best friends for 4 years and he's only known his fiance' a year. Then it changed to being about her being a woman and not a man. She has held this grudge now since she found out she couldn't be in the wedding. She wants him to take her side over his fiance', which goes against her own principle of taking the side of your partner no matter what. At least that's the principle she uses when she tells me how I should be. She has made passive aggressive comments to her friend regarding this and he hasn't really fallen for it. They haven't changed their minds on the wedding and her not being in it. That makes her angry because she isn't getting what she wants from him.
She met a guy at work last year when she started a new job. They became good friends right off the bat. She discovered that he was gay, so she saw that as an opportunity to get close to him and have a reason for me not to get mad about it. She started texting him all the time and calling him and having dinner with him. It got to where he wasn't texting her back when she wanted or as often as she wanted so when that would happen, she would confront him about it and tell him how it should be. She finally met his boyfriend and became friends with him also. She also has dinner with him and texts and calls him all the time. They have had some similar issues as well. She was supposed to have dinner with him one day but he canceled because he wasn't feeling good. Then another friend showed up at his house and insisted he go to McDonald's with her so he went (as the story goes). She got furious about that and confronted him about canceling on her but going out with someone else. He got mad that she got mad and they exchanged some words. It was a couple days before they talked again, but they finally did. She also stays up late sometimes to call one of her gay friends while he's on his way home from work, which is something I couldn't get her to do.
Several years ago, she wanted another dog. So we got a small dog. It ended up being very hyper. She didn't want it anymore so we gave it away. We still had one dog at the time. Several years later, she wanted another dog, so she talked me into getting her a Boston Terrier from a pets store (which was very expensive). But the dog was also hyper and liked to chew on things. We were convinced by someone that we should get another dog the him to play with. I pick out this dog. Instead of them calming down, the calm one became hyper too. We got a cage to keep them in while we were gone, which turned into them staying in them all the time. She wanted nothing to do with them at this point. She wouldn't feed them, water them, take them out, or let them out to play. We had some problems and talked about separating and I gave the dogs to someone who wanted them. We still had the one dog though. We started trying to work things out and she decided she wanted another dog. I insisted that we were not getting another dog. For weeks, if not months, she would send me pictures of dogs and pestering me about getting another one. She went as far as getting our son involved in the sad eyes game of manipulation. Eventually, I finally gave in and told her she could get another dog, but she needs to be the one to take care of it. Her and my son. That didn't happen. It kind of started out that way, but didn't last long. The dog ended up in a cage just like the ones before. Then she want another dog. I was very firm in telling her no. She played the same game as before with more intensity and again, I gave in but told her I would not be taking care of them. Her and our son would be. She said, you won't help us with them? I told her I would help but the majority of the work would be done by them, not me. That dog ended up in a cage too. To this day, they still stay in a cage most of the time. I am the one who takes care of them. I feed them, water them, take them out, and let them out to play sometimes. My son will help when asked, and sometimes on his own. She does nothing with them at all. When my son and I go out of town in the summer for a couple days, I don't know if she takes them out or not. I do know that if she does, it's not as much as they should be taken out. And I know she doesn't feed or water them. When he and I get home, their food and/or water bowls are empty. She has recently had the nerve to tell me she wants another dog. The answer is no. She says, why do you get to make the decision? I told her because there are two other dogs in the living room right now. We are not getting another one. She hasn't said anything else about it. She keeps saying she wants a big dog, but her excuse for not taking out the ones we have is because one of them is to big for her to handle.
When our son was born, she had to have a C section. When we got him home, we decided that we would share the load of getting up with him in the night by taking turns. It wasn't long before she asked me to take her turn because she was really tired. I agreed. Then that became the norm. When he would start crying, she would nudge me or ask me to get him. As he grew to sleep through the night, I was still getting up with him in the mornings every weekend (I worked through the week so I was gone by the time he woke up). I would get him up, feed him, change him, and keep him entertained while she slept. I would put him to bed at night most nights, and that became almost every night. I still tuck him in every night. She just tells him goodnight from our bedroom. She has said that should wishes we would have had another baby. I told her a long time ago that I didn't want to have another. She has gotten mad at me about it on several occasions and still brings it up from time to time. I don't want to have another baby with her because I have no doubt it would be the same routine as the last time.
She is jealous of the bond that my son and I have. We do a lot together and spend a lot of time together. We have many things in common that we like to do and we enjoy those things together. He likes to wrestle with me and hug me and hang on me. He is my little shadow. She says she wishes I loved her as much as I love him. She asks him why he loves me more than her. The problem that she can't see is that she does nothing with him. She gets him up for school in the morning, and that's about it. She doesn't take him anywhere. She doesn't do anything with him. She doesn't try to bond with him or connect with him. I've tried to tell her that they need to find things to do together that they both like. But she just complains that he doesn't want to lay in bed and cuddle or watch tv. Even when he does lay in bed with her to watch tv, she just sleeps and he lays there watching by himself. Yet, I'm made to feel guilty about having a good bond with my son.
When we first got together, she would do a lot of things with me that I liked to do; camping, fishing, 4 wheeler riding. Now I can't get her to do anything with me but go out to eat and the occasional movie, but only if it was her idea. I don't know if she was just pretending to like doing those things or if she just changed that much over the years. No matter what I want to do, unless it is shopping, she doesn't want to. She would rather lay in bed and watch Netflix or text her friends. The weekends typically consist of me and my soon getting up at least a couple hours before her, going somewhere for breakfast, coming home and taking a nap, getting up and going to dinner, coming home, watching tv for a bit, then going to bed. She says I don't plan any date with her but any time I try to plan something with her, she doesn't want to do it. I've told her I can't plan stuff if I don't know what she wants to do. Then I ask her what she likes to do, and her response is usually, I don't know. Or, You should know know me well enough to know what I like to do. So, I say, How am I supposed to know what you like to do if you don't even know what you like to do? She has yet to give me a sensible response to that.
Sometimes we will lay in bed to watch a movie or something and she will watch a little of it, then turn over laying on my arm and stare at me. Then she gets upset because I ain't looking at her. If I'm supposed to lay there and stare at her, what was the point in turning on the tv. I thought that's what we were doing was watching tv. Also, sometimes she gets mad and makes passive aggressive comments when she is laying in bed with her back to me and I don't hold her or put my arm over her. I typically sleep on my left side because I sleep on the left side of the bed. I've always slept facing the edge of the bed. She doesn't like it because she says I turn my back to her. In reality, I just want to be comfortable. She will drape her leg over my leg when I'm laying on my back, then go to sleep. I can't sleep like that so I move. Then she gets upset about that. Again, I just want to be comfortable when I sleep.
There was a guy she interacted with a lot at one of her previous jobs. She talked to him a lot and went to a couple seminars with him. Supposedly, the never had sex, but I do know that they at least kissed and had their hands in each others' clothes. She knew that I didn't like this guy or the relationship that they had. So, she was going to a seminar once and he was supposed to go too. I told her I didn't like the idea, but she said nothing would happen. I told her I didn't think she should be going out with this guy drinking in the evening there. She promised me she wouldn't. But, she did. That's when the stuff happened. I don't know how far they got, but I have a feeling it was a lot farther than she told me. Of course, I found out and confronted her about it. She admitted to what I know about it, but claims that was all that happened. Later on, she told me that she once told him that she was falling in love with him. It took a long time before I could get her to let this guy go because her relationship with him was hurting ours. She finally deleted his number and unfriended him on social media. I don't know if they have contact anymore or not. During her span at that job, she told me that there was a guy who invited her over to his house to discuss work related things. As you might have guessed, that was not his intentions. She admitted that they kissed, but said that was all that happened. I'm not so sure I believe her on that either. I had also found on her phone at one point where she was having conversations with another guy that were sexually explicit and some photos were sent. Now she has the friend who is gay and she calls him her gay boyfriend and told me that they even hold hands and act like they are dating when they go out. But she says it's ok because he's gay so nothing is going to happen. I'm not really ok with it. I really don't think she would be ok with me having a gay girlfriend. She is too jealous for that.
For the past few years, she has not gotten me anything for my birthday, Valentines day, or our anniversary. I get her something for each of those or at least take her out to dinner. Last year, I bought her an $1800 ring for as an anniversary gift as well as took her to the beach for a week. She got me nothing. For my birthday, I ended up buying something for myself because she didn't get me anything. For Christmas last year, she spent a lot of time making a scarf for one of her guy friends. She also spent $90 on a weighted blanket for one of her gay friends because he has trouble sleeping and she thought that might help. She doesn't put that kind of effort in me. She is now working on a throw for another one of her guy/gay friends. I don't remember which one though.
A few years ago, she convinced me to go to counseling for PTSD, which was not a bad thing. I did have a lot of issues with it and needed help. But during that time and later, she would say things to me like, You used to be so emotionally strong. She says that I am distant a lot and that I don't show emotion. She's right. I don't show a lot of emotion. However, she wants me to show emotion with her. I don't want to show emotion unless I feel as though there is a need for it and it's there to show. I don't feel safe emotionally with her. I don't feel like I can be myself emotionally with her because when I do get emotional, it's viewed negatively. If I get angry, especially with her, I can't express myself. I am expected to be calm and sweet and talk to her in a way that is loving and gentle and however it is she wants me to talk to her. If not, the conversation quickly drifts from what the issue is to how I'm talking to her. If I'm angry, I need to be able to express that I'm angry in the way that I feel is necessary. Of course with limitations. But I can't do that.
Any time she gets upset about something someone else does or says, she tells me all about it. The she will ask if she's wrong. Sometimes I agree with her. Sometimes she is right. Other times I disagree. When I tell her that I disagree, she doesn't like it. She has to know why I disagree, then when I tell her, she gives me reasons why she is right. If it is a family member, especially someone in my family, to her, me disagreeing is me taking their side over hers. It's me not being loyal to her. The is especially true when I don't get angry about something or don't feel the same as her. She has told me before that I always take my mom's side over her. I know my mom. She jokes and picks with everyone. I know when she is joking and when she isn't. But, no matter what it is, to her, mom was being mean or doesn't like her. Then when I try to tell her that mom was joking, she gets really mad at me and says I always take mom's side over hers. That I should be angry about it too.
She has a negative opinion of most things and most people. When she and her parents or her friends talk, it usually involves a lot of criticizing other people. I hear her say often, that's stupid. Not necessarily to me, but in general. I have actually had her tell me that I am too positive. And that she wished I wasn't so positive all the time. Aren't we supposed to be positive?
She has had disagreements or arguments with her guy friends at different points about different things and when she tells me about them, she makes statements about how great she is. Why wouldn't anyone want to be my friend? If he quits talking to me then he's missing out because I'm awesome. I'm not an option for anybody. I'm better than that. I have heard her criticize other people for no reason at all. I'm prettier than she is. I don't look that bad, referring to someone else she sees. But other times she will make comments like, I guess I'm not very interesting. I guess I must be boring. And I know she does that to get me to tell her how interesting or great she is.
