Divorce Sucks
I have been separated from my wife for 8 months now and we are in the middle of the divorce process. I left her in January after doing a lot of research and discovering that she is a narcissist. I finally had enough and told her how I felt and left. This October makes 19 years that we've been married. I wish I knew a long time ago what I know now. I would have left years ago. Or let her go when she left me. But, in true narcissist form, she manipulated me and played me to get me to do what she wanted.
I'm not sure which is worse, being married to a narcissist, or divorcing one. She made my life hell and I didn't even realize how much until recently. But, during this divorce, she has gone out of her way to make my life even more crappy. As if it wasn't bad enough already. I'm not saying I'm a perfect person or that I was a perfect husband, because I wasn't. But, I certainly treated her a lot better than she ever treated me. During this divorce, I have tried to be cooperative, easy to get along, and more generous than I should be. She, on the other hand, has been anything but cooperative and easy to get along with. I'm sick of it, but I have to deal with it for the sake of our son.
I have been depressed a lot in the past few years, especially the past few months. Some days are really bad. Today was one of those days. I don't have anyone to talk to about how I'm feeling. I can talk to my mom about some things, but she doesn't understand me enough for me to be able to lay it all out there. I don't know what to do really. My son is the only thing that keeps me going most of the time.
This year has been bad for most people due to covid-19. Add on top of that a divorce, living with my mom, only getting to see my son half the time, losing my job, and being made out to be the bad guy every time I turn around and this year has been the pits. The worst part about it is that I don't know how things are going to go. I don't know when I'll be able to get another job. Until I get one, I am stuck living with my mom, an hour away from my son's school district. He just started 6th grade today. I am driving him to and from school this week, but that isn't going to work for long. I'm afraid if I can't find work and move back to his school district, she will get custody of him and I won't be able to see him hardly at all. I don't know what to do.
@Indirectfire
If you can, you should read this book "autobiography of a yogi"
also you survived a narcissist. that is itself a big achievement. i know it feels like living with 10 rakhi sawants. but now you have time restart your life again from fresh. like a newborn on your own terms.
i had spent 8years of my with a narcissist. i believe that i might have done something immensely wrong in my previous birth that i was punished now.
best part is. time will heal everything. just focus on getting urself better by the day.
thinking about the narcissist again n again n trying to think how could have i gone so blind and let them manipulate me, or sometimes feeling warm caring feelings again, is like getting back to square one on path of recovery.
just focus on bettering yourself, as you are a better caring person.
if you can try help the needy people underprivileged ppl in orphanages or old age homes, it will help you.
@quietCar7636 Thank you. You are right about thinking about her and the feelings and all that. Sometimes I feel like maybe I made a mistake leaving, or maybe I overreacted. Then she let's her true colors shine through even more and I'm like, "Nope. I definitely didn't make the wrong choice by leaving."
@Indirectfire
I have been through this. Because i was soft hearted and caring, the narcissist took advantage of it. You'll keep thinking that u can repair the person with ur love and care. But the truth is, they are devils who are not repairable, and will cause us mental damage.
Days used to go pass by where i used to sleep long hours at a stretch to calm my mind.
I repeat again, don't get melted, don't care for her, don't have any feelings for her. write urself notes, emails, reminding u of bad stories with that person, that will help u recall it whenever u turn weak. i made of journal of his bullshit which kept me away from being taken advantage again, otherwise i would have ended up in mental asylum.
get ur life back together. you and your son have a long way to go together being happy as u deserve it.
@quietCar7636 You're right. Before I left, I typed out 7 pages of memories of instances that seemed off at the time, but now make sense why she did what she did. Control. Since then there have been a lot of things that have made it more obvious.
@Indirectfire
Truly a DIFFICULT SITUATION.
I can sense how much you love your son.
Parenting can be made unbearable, when BOTH parents are not FOCUSED on the LOVE OF THEIR CHILD.
Also, do consider, the pain of where you are NOW forced to live, along with all the Reminders of your childhood.
Stepping that far back in the past, can hinder communication with the memories of your childhood rearing.
You failed to also mention, former in-laws, and if they could be directing some of your child's mother's decisions?
What about friends, were they influenced in (Her) frame of THINKING?
Picture yourself in the middle, but look ALL AROUND YOU....
Your Course of Life is still VERY IMPORTANT and REMEMBER, Your Son **Still LOVE YOU"" !!!!
@Indirectfire
When you feel drained out emotionally mentally, HELP ppl around you. Not just with money, which i understand is difficult due to job loss.
Help with food, or volunteer work. It will make u feel better. The storms have passed, better brighter days are ahead now. It's like tough stages of life game have passed, now you are equipped to face anything.
I can only suggest good books for you currently, if u are into reading, which will help u immensely. Let me know. Good luck
@Indirectfire
I know it might be hard to see the light at the end right now but something I've learned about narcissist is that they rarely win in the long run.
Don't aim to win the battles, aim to win the war. It feels like shit when they spin their web of lies an manipulation but truth is they can't sustain it forever. From my experience people will see through it eventually, you just have to wait them out.
The worst case I ever experienced cost me a lot of friends for a long time. It took 2-3 years befor they came crawling back realizing what kind of person they had sided with. It also gave my reputation quite a beating which was the truly dangerous part since my work relies a lot on a good reputation.
After the war was won for me and all the dust had settled for real I realized I was rid of the person and stod there as a victor while he sputtered about in his self pitty and got nowhere in his life, accomplished nothing. It was the best feeling. I felt justified. Strong.
I know it probably feels like shit right now and there is little I can do to ease it, but I implore you to weather the storm. Hopefully you'll raise a flag on your hill in victory once this is over.
I wish you the best of luck while you struggle. I know it's a terrible situation. Wish I could do more for you than well wishes.