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IsabellaMor
284 M Embraced 2
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceApril 18, 2015
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I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take
Eating Disorder Support / by IsabellaMor
Last post
 July 25th, 2015
...See more I struggled with an eating disorder for 6 years and just last year (2014) I started Really getting better. I got rid of the scale, I stopped portioning my meals so much until I finally didn't really pay attention. I gained weight, I stopped being obsessed with calories and exercising and not going out because people might make me eat and started Living my life. I did good for about a year. Even got therapy and found a lot of stuff out about myself and how to help stay better. However, they wanted me on meds. In order to do that they have to check vitals and weight. When I saw how much I had gained...I just stood there in shock. I have never in my 21 years of life been this heavy. I have Never been above [weight edited by 24Help1]. Ever. And the fact that I am..has sent me back to my old eating habits-or rather, lack thereof- I'm back to only eating once a day, twice on a really really good day. The sad thing is, I really don't even think about it, it became so easy to ignore the pangs of hunger that I can subconsiously do it. I just "don't think about it." Those I love and my therapist are already noticing that I'm not eating as much and even starting to calorie count (which is a very risky thing for me to do). I have it under control now, all people have to do is ask me if I've ate and tell me to and I'll do it, I won't fight it. But I'm just really really afraid I'll spiral and get back into that very bad hole where I have absolutely no control. Especially with how easy it was to just cut out meals. I don't know what to do...This is all the stupid doctors fault. Why do they have to have a scale...
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I Want This to Go AWAY
Personality Disorders Support / by IsabellaMor
Last post
 April 24th, 2015
...See more I was apparently diagnosed with BPD back in 2013 with my first psychiatrist. Lot of good she did. Just sitting there the entire hour not f-ing saying one word. Back in January I started talking to a therapist through the college and it's been a year since I've taken any medication. Things were looking good with this new therapist all the depression and disassociation and anxiety and impulses and just all that Crap was finally under control and bareable. So she sent me on my way, because we made real progress and she didn't think I needed to come anymore. So from 2 days a week of seeing and bonding with her and she just drops me like a hat. Slams the door in my face. I almost broke down and the next day I had a really bad dissociative episode and self harmed and just panicked because I wanted to go back and see her but I also didn't want to become a burden, which she was likely already tired of dealing with me anyway. After all, she had never seen anyone with my condition. Not like she could really help me anyway.  Anyway it's not April and for a while things were going good again. Even met a guy who genuinely cares, which I never thought was a possibility. However, last Tuesday I had an extreme episode. I almost had to pull the  car over because I was so gone I couldn't even see what was in front of me or hear or anything. It just felt like I was falling asleep. It was so strong I actually feared for myself. I didn't know what to do so I just rode it out. Since than I've been in and out of minor minute to an hour tops dissociative episodes. Normally I wouldn't pay any mind because, it happens. But now my anxiety is becoming almost overwhelming, I can feel my depression crawling it's way up, slowly but enough that I've dropped out of college and can hardly get out of bed anymore. Even my E.D. has started to resurface. I want to get help, but current financial situations make that impossible, and my family would NOT approve. I just don't know what to do and I'm so very very afraid I will run the few friends I have and most of all my boyfriend. I can't handle that. I'm not strong enough, not when I care so deeply for them. I'm just at a loss and I want this stupid disorder to just go away...
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