I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take
I struggled with an eating disorder for 6 years and just last year (2014) I started Really getting better. I got rid of the scale, I stopped portioning my meals so much until I finally didn't really pay attention. I gained weight, I stopped being obsessed with calories and exercising and not going out because people might make me eat and started Living my life.
I did good for about a year. Even got therapy and found a lot of stuff out about myself and how to help stay better. However, they wanted me on meds. In order to do that they have to check vitals and weight. When I saw how much I had gained...I just stood there in shock. I have never in my 21 years of life been this heavy. I have Never been above [weight edited by 24Help1]. Ever. And the fact that I am..has sent me back to my old eating habits-or rather, lack thereof- I'm back to only eating once a day, twice on a really really good day. The sad thing is, I really don't even think about it, it became so easy to ignore the pangs of hunger that I can subconsiously do it. I just "don't think about it."
Those I love and my therapist are already noticing that I'm not eating as much and even starting to calorie count (which is a very risky thing for me to do). I have it under control now, all people have to do is ask me if I've ate and tell me to and I'll do it, I won't fight it. But I'm just really really afraid I'll spiral and get back into that very bad hole where I have absolutely no control. Especially with how easy it was to just cut out meals. I don't know what to do...This is all the stupid doctors fault. Why do they have to have a scale...
@IsabellaMor
I'm so sorry to hear that after you were doing so well, you feel as if you're beginning to relapse. I think that you're so strong for reaching out and sharing your current struggles and I applaud you on that. Eating disorders are so tricky, one moment it's under control but one number and you feel like you're heading the wrong way. It's so stressful and upsetting, but try to continue to talk to your therapist and loved ones (as well as the listeners on 7 cups of tea!) because they can help you so much. Considering how easy it was to cut out meals, it sounds like you are struggling quite a bit knowing your weight. I think that it's really important to keep your inner motivations for getting better (such as getting your life back, having a great social life, not isolating yourself) in mind so that you can get back on track. Remember, no one's recovery path is straight. Everyone has bumps along the way, it's completely normal to be triggered. It's how you manage the trigger that is important, keep pushing! You are so strong <3