I Want This to Go AWAY
I was apparently diagnosed with BPD back in 2013 with my first psychiatrist. Lot of good she did. Just sitting there the entire hour not f-ing saying one word. Back in January I started talking to a therapist through the college and it's been a year since I've taken any medication. Things were looking good with this new therapist all the depression and disassociation and anxiety and impulses and just all that Crap was finally under control and bareable. So she sent me on my way, because we made real progress and she didn't think I needed to come anymore. So from 2 days a week of seeing and bonding with her and she just drops me like a hat. Slams the door in my face. I almost broke down and the next day I had a really bad dissociative episode and self harmed and just panicked because I wanted to go back and see her but I also didn't want to become a burden, which she was likely already tired of dealing with me anyway. After all, she had never seen anyone with my condition. Not like she could really help me anyway.
Anyway it's not April and for a while things were going good again. Even met a guy who genuinely cares, which I never thought was a possibility. However, last Tuesday I had an extreme episode. I almost had to pull the car over because I was so gone I couldn't even see what was in front of me or hear or anything. It just felt like I was falling asleep. It was so strong I actually feared for myself. I didn't know what to do so I just rode it out. Since than I've been in and out of minor minute to an hour tops dissociative episodes. Normally I wouldn't pay any mind because, it happens. But now my anxiety is becoming almost overwhelming, I can feel my depression crawling it's way up, slowly but enough that I've dropped out of college and can hardly get out of bed anymore. Even my E.D. has started to resurface. I want to get help, but current financial situations make that impossible, and my family would NOT approve. I just don't know what to do and I'm so very very afraid I will run the few friends I have and most of all my boyfriend. I can't handle that. I'm not strong enough, not when I care so deeply for them.
I'm just at a loss and I want this stupid disorder to just go away...
I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling so intensely. Therapists are very hit and miss unfortunately. It sounds as though your first one was relatively useless. Your second one, for her to simply drop you like that, sounds rather irresponsible and unprofessional on her part. If she understands the disorder at all, she would not have done it so quickly and casually, without seriously discussing it with you first. Your feelings over this experience are completely valid.
I can relate to not wanting to approach her again, feeling like a nuisance. My BPD often causes me very similar issues.
It is wonderful, despite your struggles, that you have found a boyfriend who is very supportive and caring, and that you also have friends who are the same. I understand that you are feeling that they may leave because of your current struggles and the worsening dissociative episodes. Perhaps it is a good idea to educate them a little on your disorder, so that they can try and understand why you feel the way you do.
I'm very sorry to hear that finances are tough right now, and that your family is not very supportive. You do still have your friends and boyfriend who act as a support system, as well as the people on this site, whether it be through the forums or chatting with a listener. You don't have to go through all this alone.
BPD sucks, it really does. But I believe in you, and I am here for you.