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Ivory2112
2 10,643 M Pacing Forward 4
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts272 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2026 Member sinceOctober 5, 2016
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I am becoming my manifestation of spite and bitterness.
Depression Support / by Ivory2112
Last post
 August 27th, 2021
...See more And I don't know how or why I should turn back. Watching others find and embrace happiness makes me resent. I'm slowly becoming more and more spiteful and insecure. Happiness is circumstancial. There is no 'pleasant feeling of content' switch but bringing forth feelings of anger, hate, spite and malice is easy. It's so easy. In one thought i can delve into this drifting black headspace of everything I loathe which i can rarely think to escape. The thought of other people being happy and caring and trusting to eachother, even my friends, is unfathomable to me. I see myself waiting for peoples' happiness to crumble and fall before them, anticipating it. I've built up this callus fore-thought of 'Here, I am being decieved'. I constantly have this violently unaccepting mindset that rejects all that is said in conversation. Even when i'm with friends there's this constant thoght that in comparison, i have nothing to contribute. i am not one of them. i have no tropes that dignify my being there other than to watch others succeed in thought where i have always failed. But i can't turn on myself now. I'm familiarised with myself, and myself being bitter is more comforting than i find happiness. it's more reliable. i have more trust in my capability to hate people than care for them. It's hard to try and care, and if trying is an additive to care, then there is no true thought to care. Caring comes by nature. The brain develops a care and then it becomes instinct. I can't do that. I physically cannot develop the means to care and caring for things i used to has become distant. I don't feel i can. What i can do is relish in negativity. it's a defense mechanism by this point.
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I have found so much comfort in blinding hatred.
Depression Support / by Ivory2112
Last post
 June 27th, 2021
...See more Every blow cracks away at what i feel I have left. Chips away. Piece by piece. I'm starting to lose alot of possessions, most of which I don't care but those I do have started to lose their sentiment. I now have no house, no job, my friends are falling apart, and every day comes with another strike of a hammer to crack at what I have left. Something will be taken away. Every day its denial to access basic needs. Denial denial. However, I have started to find comfort in it. I used to feel empty, sad, or overwhelmed. Those were my 3 feelings. Happiness would often grow in small shimmers of light but be quickly quelled my misunderstanding of it. Now I feel more emotion than ever. Hate. I have found Hate. Hatred, spite, anger, frustration, bitterness, pettiness, nervousness, rage, callousness, loathing. I have discovered parts of myself I never knew existed. I've always been so terrified of experiencing emotions. But now I can't stop but relish in these terrible thoughts. I never used to be like this, but now one minor inconvenience will occur and it comes rushing like a hit of adrenaline and I feel like I have feeling. Its overwhelming, but it feels comfortable to feel something. Even if it is hate. I have become the exact person I know I was not. But I don't know, I know that this constant unbending anger is not good for myself but I can't help but love when I get to have some sort of strong emotion I can understand. I understand hate. Its easy to hate. It is so so so easy to hate. I just need to vent out my frustrations. I feel like there are many spiteful and vicious circles that I find myself falling into, and I have no other vessel to flee in other than riding these continuous, hateful feelings.
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