I am becoming my manifestation of spite and bitterness.

And I don't know how or why I should turn back.

Watching others find and embrace happiness makes me resent. I'm slowly becoming more and more spiteful and insecure. Happiness is circumstancial. There is no 'pleasant feeling of content' switch but bringing forth feelings of anger, hate, spite and malice is easy. It's so easy. In one thought i can delve into this drifting black headspace of everything I loathe which i can rarely think to escape. The thought of other people being happy and caring and trusting to eachother, even my friends, is unfathomable to me. I see myself waiting for peoples' happiness to crumble and fall before them, anticipating it. I've built up this callus fore-thought of 'Here, I am being decieved'. I constantly have this violently unaccepting mindset that rejects all that is said in conversation. Even when i'm with friends there's this constant thoght that in comparison, i have nothing to contribute. i am not one of them. i have no tropes that dignify my being there other than to watch others succeed in thought where i have always failed.

But i can't turn on myself now. I'm familiarised with myself, and myself being bitter is more comforting than i find happiness. it's more reliable. i have more trust in my capability to hate people than care for them. It's hard to try and care, and if trying is an additive to care, then there is no true thought to care. Caring comes by nature. The brain develops a care and then it becomes instinct. I can't do that. I physically cannot develop the means to care and caring for things i used to has become distant. I don't feel i can. What i can do is relish in negativity. it's a defense mechanism by this point.