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JackC01
1 4,107 M Seeking Light 4
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts72 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2020 Member sinceSeptember 1, 2020
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Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Disability Support / by JackC01
Last post
 October 3rd, 2020
...See more Not sure if anyone can relate to this but even though I got good results from my blood work I still am very anxious. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It really impacted me in one of my classes today. I just couldn't focus and was really confused about how to do an easy assignment. I eventually figured it out but still. I'm just sitting in my bed trying to calm down but I just feel very stressed.
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OCD and Chronic Illness
OCD & Related Behaviors / by JackC01
Last post
 October 30th, 2020
...See more I have lupus. For a while I said screw it I'm not taking my medication anymore. I figured I see my doctor regularly and if anything comes up in between appointments I'll call them ASAP. Eventually I decided I should probably take my medication. But because I have a history of not taking it my OCD is making me doubt whether I've been taking it lately or not. It's exhausting. I know I shouldn't provide myself reassurance as that only makes it worse in the long term but it goes against every instinct I have. It's so frustrating cause my labs have been great the last two times and I feel great physically. Yet, I'm so scared of getting blood work in a week. I keep getting this panicked feeling like I'm gonna get really sick or worse. I know it's just me catastrophizing but it feels so real at times. And I just can't stop thinking about stuff from the past and replaying things over and over again. Normally my OCD isn't like this. There's normally loop thinking but this is different. I can't sleep or eat and I just get so scared at times. I don't know how to get through this.
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Feeling triggered
Trauma Support / by JackC01
Last post
 May 18th, 2021
...See more Throughout my adolescence I never felt safe. I was diagnosed with lupus, my dad was drinking constantly and my grandma, who lived with me my whole life, was dying of cancer. This caused noticeable anxiety which made me a target for bullying. I thought I had moved on from those experiences in school but I haven't. I don't wanna go into the details but something really triggering happened the other day and I've been a nervous wreck for the past four days. I just feel so exposed and vulnerable. I really thought this was behind me. I'm having that same feeling or being trapped, unable to escape the threat. And I'm frustrated with myself for letting this have such a hold over me. After I dropped out of high school I publicly called out the school in a video review in which I played a recording of one of my classes to show the toxicity of the environment. It got like 2,000 views and the school's president emailed me saying he would do whatever he could to change the school for the better. Even after fighting back, even after I finished my freshman year of college with all As, one small moment can send me back to this place. I just don't know what to do anymore. This anxiety and insomnia are killing me.
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Feeling Really Hopeless
Depression Support / by JackC01
Last post
 September 4th, 2020
...See more Like a lot of people, COVID has definitely worsened any mental health issues I was dealing with. I'm in community college cause I dropped out of high school due to issues with my health, family & bullying. Even when my current college is triggering or a haphazard mess, which is all the time, being stuck at home is worse. There's just so much time to think. I live with my mom, whose new therapist thinks she has PTSD. Whatever condition she has, it's been very hard living with her. She's in a bad mood all the time, always coming across as hostile but never just owning it. I know I'm not the easiest person to live with but when I am a jerk I at least admit it. Her whole attitude is honestly pretty reminiscent of my dad when he would get drunk all the time. I've also been working with a math tutor so I can take the ACT exam, as I haven't taken a math class in 4 years. It's really done away with any progress I've made. I've completed ten courses in college so far and have gotten all As but whenever I'm in a tutoring session I get so nervous, partially cause it reminds me of high school, and do terrible as a result then feel like an idiot. I just don't know how to keep living like this.
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