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JayProBass235
318 M Embraced 2
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts21 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2018 Member sinceJuly 9, 2018
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Narcissism is killing my relationship
Relationship Stress / by JayProBass235
Last post
 July 10th, 2018
...See more Hi all - IVe been in a relationship for the last 9 years and been married for the past two. Im not sure where to begin so I guess Ill just start. Both my wife and I are rather prudish about sex, especially talking about it, even in private and I am extremely self centered when it comes to sex. I am the one that determines when we have sex and our sex (which is often very enjoyable to us both) is guided or steered by me. This is primarily due to my selfishness regarding our sex life, but is also hindered by our prudishness regarding sex. While I am only somewhat comfortable discussing our sex life in private, my wife is almost completely incapable of discussing things. This has led to a slow and steady buildup of frustration by my wife and while I have said that I want to change our dynamic my actions have not changed and I dont know what is wrong with me. My wife and I both have severe health issues - I have extremely severe atopic dermatitis that causes me severe pain and anxiety during flare ups and my wife has severe endometriosis along with chronic Lyme and bipolar disorder. She is excellent about keeping on top of her meds but she still has severe muscle spasms and chronic pain. While all of our health issues have an impact, there are I think three major issues at play. First, my selfish behavior keeps the focus on my wants and desires at the expense of hers. During sex, while I do try to make her happy, its by doing what I want to do to make her excited rather than doing what she wants me to do which is causing a lot of issues. This leads to issue two. My wifes prudishness keeps her from being able to tell me what she wants me to do in bed. She feels very uncomfortable telling me what she prefers me to do in bed and thus expects me to know intuitively what she wants. While Ive told her Im willing and happy to do whatever she wants she feels unable to tell me what that is - she feels incapable of talking about it to anyone, be it myself, her therapist or her family. This understandably causes a lot of tension when I dont do the right things without being told, or when I finish and she has not been satisfied and I am unable or unwilling to get her to climax. This leads to the third main issue that I can see - my selfish behavior both in and out of my relationship. While I pay lip service to putting other people first, I either consciously or unconsciously do what benefits me most in the moment, both in and out of my relationship. Im 42 and have had no real long term relationships prior to this one, which was a definite problem and hindrance in the past. I love my wife more than anything and I need to change everything I can in order to keep us together on good terms. For the most part our relationship has been very good but this issue of my selfish behavior is threatening to tear us apart. Theres a lot of non-relationship stress in our lives - money problems, family issues and drama, our health issues, death and grief to name just the major problem areas - that is adding to everything but my selfish behavior is at least something that I can try to address and help to repair our relationship. Im happy to provide any additional information or answer any questions about my situation but I really dont know what to do or where to begin and I need help in the worst way. Please, any help anyone can give would be amazing. Thank you in advance for any help or advice you might be able to give. Thank you, Jay
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