Narcissism is killing my relationship

@JayProBass235

What I see is alot of contradictory thoughts.

Women aren't excited for what men think they are excited for example. I'm sure she has her own ideas of what she likes.

Thing is in sex people should communicate (like you said and well), but how can she communicate when you are so focoused about how you feel? I'm sure the reason she's unconfortable about opening up to you, is because you don't allow her to. By imposing your selfish ideals, she doesn't have the freedom to speak her mind. She cares for you and feels pressured.

You simply have to weight things out: Do you prefer to keep living like this, with your own ideals and selfish practics, or life a normal and happy relationship with your wife?

Only you can decide.

@JayProBass235

Hey thee, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things i would like to point out;

IVe been in a relationship for the last 9 years and been married for the past two. Im not sure where to begin so I guess Ill just start.

Both my wife and I are rather prudish about sex, especially talking about it, even in private and I am extremely self centered when it comes to sex. (This is going to cause her to feel not safe and uncomfortable with you. She is going to feel like she has no voice during this part). I am the one that determines when we have sex and our sex (which is often very enjoyable to us both) is guided or steered by me. (This is not a good sign, you expect her to be ready for sex at the drop of a dime. Women need their emotions engaged first before sex, men are always ready, so this is going to mess with her level of attraction anr safety)

This is primarily due to my selfishness regarding our sex life, but is also hindered by our prudishness regarding sex. While I am only somewhat comfortable discussing our sex life in private, my wife is almost completely incapable of discussing things. (This is a sign of a woman that she doesn't feel safe, comfortable, and loved so she will begin to avoid discussing these things, soon she might start shutting down on you and become resentful) This has led to a slow and steady buildup of frustration by my wife (She is not feeling heard and understood by you, so its causing her to feel frustrated. She is starting to feel like all you care is about sex, and you have not taken the time to get her to open her up regarding her true feelings) and while I have said that I want to change our dynamic my actions have not changed and I dont know what is wrong with me.(You are using logic and reason, thinking she actually wants to hear you say "i want to change", to her this means nothing without actions. You are too focus on sex right now than who she is a person, so she is starting to feel trapped and unloved by you. You are not taking the time to get her to talk about things while you staying quiet hearing everything she has to say)

My wife and I both have severe health issues - I have extremely severe atopic dermatitis that causes me severe pain and anxiety during flare ups and my wife has severe endometriosis along with chronic Lyme and bipolar disorder. She is excellent about keeping on top of her meds but she still has severe muscle spasms and chronic pain. While all of our health issues have an impact, there are I think three major issues at play.

First, my selfish behavior keeps the focus on my wants and desires at the expense of hers. (This is going to make her feel as if you dont care about what she wants. You are being very selfish here, not thinking about how it makes her feel. I dont think this has to do with narcissism, it has to do with a high level of anxiety where you become self-absorbed, in your own world, losing empathy because you want to soothe your own anxiety, so having sex is a way for you to cope with what you are going through) During sex, while I do try to make her happy, its by doing what I want to do to make her excited rather than doing what she wants me to do which is causing a lot of issues. (She sounds like she is going along with things to make you happy) This leads to issue two.

My wifes prudishness keeps her from being able to tell me what she wants me to do in bed. (Its very important to first engage her emotions on this act by showing a lot of affection and care, obvioisly you are not doing this and from the sounds of it she doesn't feel safe as well) She feels very uncomfortable telling me what she prefers me to do in bed and thus expects me to know intuitively what she wants.(If you are 100% sure about this such as her saying something like "You are supposed to know" or "you should know this already" then its a very early developmental arrest, where she wants the partner and others around her to know what she wants, similar to how a child wants their parents to know what they want. I can tell a bit has to do with your behavior, its not making her feel safe to open up to you) While Ive told her Im willing and happy to do whatever she wants she feels unable to tell me what that is (Its not wise to say it like this, explore what she likes by experimenting then watching her body language response, ask quality questions regarding this) - she feels incapable of talking about it to anyone, be it myself, her therapist or her family. (This tells me she has a high level of avoidance, she doesn't want to be vulnerable and afraid of closeness, so she doesn't share things with anyone. She was severely hurt in her past to the point she will not share anything because in the past people neglected her and were not attuned with her needs). This understandably causes a lot of tension when I dont do the right things without being told, or when I finish and she has not been satisfied and I am unable or unwilling to get her to climax. (Her emotions are not being engaged here. Remember this, with women its all about engaging their emotions, making them feel loved, slowly escalating things while men are usually ready fast. You are not engaging her emotions right and your behavior have been turning her off, so she will not feel aroused. Its important she feela comfortable and safe as well, if not she will go along with things and not intimacy will feel like a chore to her)

This leads to the third main issue that I can see - my selfish behavior both in and out of my relationship. While I pay lip service to putting other people first, I either consciously or unconsciously do what benefits me most in the moment, (Its not a bad thing to put yourself on most ocassions, but not to the point of not thinking about your partner needs) both in and out of my relationship. Im 42 and have had no real long term relationships prior to this one, which was a definite problem and hindrance in the past. (What have you done to improve on this area?)

I love my wife more than anything and I need to change everything I can in order to keep us together on good terms. (Its not just you, she also has to do the work on herself as well) For the most part our relationship has been very good but this issue of my selfish behavior is threatening to tear us apart.

Theres a lot of non-relationship stress in our lives - money problems, family issues and drama, our health issues, death and grief to name just the major problem areas - that is adding to everything but my selfish behavior is at least something that I can try to address and help to repair our relationship.(Im sure you can, it will take some time, but lets say you do fix those issues, is she willing to fix certain issues she has?)

Im happy to provide any additional information or answer any questions about my situation but I really dont know what to do or where to begin and I need help in the worst way. Please, any help anyone can give would be amazing. Thank you in advance for any help or advice you might be able to give. ( I will probably have a few questions, but what do you think so far about what i said?)