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JessiValerian
746 M Little Steps
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts31 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes34 Current upvotes34 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceDecember 23, 2018
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Written Logs and Random Ramblings
Journals & Diaries / by JessiValerian
Last post
 March 5th, 2020
...See more Today and tomorrow marks the two happiest days of my life. that happened exactly one year ago... I am happy now? No. Im not. You see, a year ago I visited my long distance (then) boyfriend. I spent two days with him and it was an absolute dream. Now we dont say a thing to each other anymore. We havent spoken a word in over a month. Ive relapsed back in to depression and all I want to do now is delete all my social media and run away to to my home town. The city that happens to not be associated with him. Will it upset my mother? Yes. But will it potentially save me from my own *trigger warning* suicidal ideation? Potentially. Do I risk facing a wrath that will probably push me deeper into this pit or do I just stay where I am? Sad and unchanging? I dont know. i dont know what this post is either but thanks for reading it I guess..
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December 2nd Check In:
Depression Support / by JessiValerian
Last post
 April 7th, 2020
...See more Its a little sad to admit this, but a year ago I was in a much happier place. Sure, I still had to deal with my over bearing mother when we were visiting family in Australia, but I actually felt loved at that point. I was days away from finally visiting my long distant boyfriend and I was ecstatic just as he was. My great aunt and uncle were at least supportive of me going to spend a couple days with him when my mother absolutely did not want me to go with him. Now a year later and 5 months after he visited me in my country, we are no longer speaking. We havent spoken in over a month. My mother keeps saying to not break it off with him, when really, she never wanted us to be together in the first place. Im worse off now than where I was even two years ago. I feel like Im three steps behind from starting at square one again. Im completely heartbroken...
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22 November Written Log/Sad Mind Dump
Depression Support / by JessiValerian
Last post
 November 22nd, 2019
...See more I made chicken and bacon carbonara for my mum and sister last night. I put a lot of effort into it, pre cooking the bacon and chicken in seperate pans, putting a timer on for a recommended 12 minutes for the pasta and seasoned the sauce with salt and cayenne pepper so it wouldnt just be bland pre-made sauce. It took me a good half hour to cook it and when they had it, they told me there was too much pepper, the pasta wasnt cooked enough and they didnt finish off their servings. After I finished eating, I went in to room and had a massive cry about it while playing Final Fantasy 10. I put a lot of effort into that meal and it still wasnt good enough. Like a lot of things, my best efforts are not good enough...
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I
Journals & Diaries / by JessiValerian
Last post
 November 15th, 2019
...See more Ive decided to clean my room this weekend. Im also gonna dust and clean the walls, tidy up my desk, clear through my wardrobe and redecorate my room. The reason why Im doing this is because Ive read in a few articles that cleaning your room and changing up the look of it improves your depression. This year has been total shit show for me in terms of mental health and my room hasnt been cleaned since early July this year. That only lasted about a week as my sister decided she wanted to swap drawers. She ended up rearranging the lay out of room in the process and never tidied the mess she left; which is pretty symbolic of how controlling she and my mother are with my life... I wont go into specifics cos I want to avoid family arguments.. (though I dont think either of them have a Reddit account..) The reason why Im sharing this on here is so I can keep myself in check and make sure that I will actually follow through with this decision. And I figured that since Im currently not in the position to move out of home I should set up my room the way I want it since I have been spending a lot of my spare time in there lately.
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What is on your mind? (Diary Entry Rant...)
Journals & Diaries / by JessiValerian
Last post
 March 28th, 2020
...See more What is on my mind? Too much. Im thinking about how in Gods name am I supposed to pay for an expensive holiday that I dont even want to go on? Why did my mother have to choose such an expensive destination? Im thinking about how the message I wrote regarding store security and theft prevention ideas got torn out of the communications booklet at work. Im also thinking about my plans to go study again for the next three years. A Bachelors Degree in Early Childhood Education. Is it really a good for me to working with young impressional children when I feel that Im extremely unstable. I struggled with studies last year and the year before; do I really want to put myself through that kind of crippling stress again? I keep thinking about this guy, but I should stop thinking about him. Hes been ghosting me for several weeks so I really ought to let it go. And I keep thinking about that stupid screw-up I made at work in August. How I practically let those thieves steal a vital piece of our store security. The amount of unexplainable losses has gone drastically since then and its my fault. Im surprised that I havent been fired for that.. I shouldve been fired.. You know what sucks? This rant has barely scratched the surface of these loud thoughts...
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I need to get out of this situation....
Journals & Diaries / by JessiValerian
Last post
 March 28th, 2020
...See more My mother has been planning a ten day long holiday to Rarotonga for my sisters birthday. My mother asked this sister if she wanted our oldest sister (who lives in another city) to come with us. The thing about our oldest sister is that she is extremely disapproving of most things that dont fit in her sphere of being Christian. She is extremely judgemental of where we stand (or rather where we dont stand in certain things) in our Christian faith. My sister told our mother that she didnt want our oldest sister to be there but she invited her to come along anyways. So, to cut the long story short, there was a heated argument between my sister and mother. Our mum didnt like what she had to say about our sisters judgemental attitude so she threatened to commit suicide. So for the past two weeks, Ive been trying to look for a new job and flat in another city because I realised that Mums suicide threat was not a cry out for help but rather a form of manipulation and emotional blackmail. Problem is that Im in no financial position to be moving out of home right now thanks to the holiday deposits... Fact is that none of us, not even my mother can realistically afford to go on a trip overseas... yet shes insisting that go on a holiday to one the most expensive destinations..
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Work place anxiety
Anxiety Support / by JessiValerian
Last post
 January 18th, 2019
...See more Todays not a great day for me. My workplace is extremely understaffed and Im seriously struggling with the amount of stress thats been piled onto me. Just earlier I was pulled on reducing the price of an item that was identical to what the customer showed was on the online store. We are told the limit that we are allowed to reduce the total by is $50. This item wasnt even reduced by 15 but still I was questioned. I had to repeat my reasoning 3 times to the manager and even had to show her the online price cos she simply wasnt understanding what I was saying. Communication isnt my strongest point, I can blame my social anxiety for that but now, I dont even know how Im gonna last the next 6hours of this shift cos my hands are shaking terribly and my heart is pumping hard... hopefully I calm down before my break ends...
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