Jurios Member Profile

...See more Hey guys, thank you for being here this is my first forum. I actually don‘t know what to do with this and I need some advice. Before I mention the story. I need to say that in 2019, I was single and did someone nightstand. I ended up feeling it was not so fulfilling as real love so in 2020 from the beginning I changed and stayed celibates for a while. Around 4 months ago I had a crush on a girl at the party. But I try not to do anything more. Then, a month later, she came to hang out in my apartment from time to time. She slept in my bed from time to time also. We did not have sex. And I try not to fall in love. She often borrowed my shirt, jacket, etc, and come back to return it and then borrowed another one. Btw, she is bisexual. So I thought that she is more into girls than guys. The more she comes, the more I feel a bit more and more into her. And I don‘t want to. We also text quite often and she responded quickly also. She told me everything about her past history snd super open to me. I know her trauma, her issues, etc. I think we are connected and bonded. Then at some point, she just stopped coming and replying. I was not that sad and think it is ok. Maybe I‘m a bit too much. I think it could be my fault. This is not involved with jealousy or something else. And one day, she texted me back after 2 weeks of not texting each other for no reason. This time she slept on my bed and we cuddle in the morning, she slept on my chest. She plays with my hair. We did not do anything more than this. Since I stick to my ideal. I wanna love someone first and then have sex. I know that right now her job didn’t pay off and she has a lot of debt with her modeling agency. I offered her to stay with me so she does not need to pay the rent with the hope that maybe this could be something. I wanna make sure( I had some trauma and trusting issue because of my previous relationship.) There was something in the middle. 3 days after I offered her the hospitality, her ex GF text her saying that they need to clear the air after 7 months of break. (They broke up some time ago) I believe I notice something changes in the bond between me and her. She mentioned that this is the time when she wants to learn how to love herself and she cannot be in a relationship with anyone. I accepted that but I cannot roll my tongue back. I had already decided that she can stay with me. We stayed together without any sexual contact. For a month, I was sure that I fell in love with her. So, in the end, I told her that I love her so much. But for now, it is different. She told me she does not feel the same. But I cannot ask her to move out because she has no place to go, has no money to spend, and has no job. So I decided to let her stay with me in the hope that something might change. There were many moments she shows love and care. But she also told me that she does not wanna confuse me. During the corona time, she had no card in her hand, she told me about her dream besides being a puppet for a modeling agency. She is smart. I know this. She has no hope in her hand, no dream she can accomplish. She cannot progress more in her life. Even tho she doesn‘t love me back the way I wanted. I still feel like I need to help her. I use to mentor some people. My friend told me I have a fatherly character because I like taking care of people and create a dream and hope when they need it. I started to help her. I wanted to give her the equipment for her to learn to have more cards in her hand. Because for me, love is to enlighten the hope and dream. And at this moment, she cannot love anyone without hope or a dream. She lost her phone. I gave her my old iPhone. She would love to learn about photography. I got her an online course for photography and graphic design and camera. She wants to produce and mix music. I used to sing and play guitar. But I cannot prioritize to play it anymore. So I gave it to her. On new year's eve, I can really feel how much love she has for me. I got her the DJ set. She cried her heart out because being a DJ is always her dream. During the new year time, I ask my friend to let her DJ for the small house party and it becomes her first time playing. But after that, I felt like her mood is super swing. Somedays, I felt the love from her. Somedays, I felt like nothing. And even I wanna move on. I cannot move on because I cannot leave her and let her go out without anything. I know it sounds super crazy. And I sound like a super stupid man. I think it would be much easier if I don‘t need to see her. Because that I could deal with. But now, it is just super hard seeing someone you love so much not loving you back every day. I felt worthless and depressed sometimes. But in any case, she cheers me up every time she sees me depressed. But still, she wanna be just a friend because this is what she said „I don‘t want you to think so much about the relationship. You should just go with the flow. And let's see what happens“ I am a data scientist, aeronautical engineer, yogi, dancer, bartender. I know my worth well. But with this situation, I don‘t know how to get out. She cannot go and she cannot love back also( and I don‘t know when she can) I cannot move on if she is here. But on the other hand, I also don‘t want her to go because I don‘t know what would happen to her. And yes she supports me emotionally and I also support her financially and emotionally. I don‘t know where I am heading.

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