The most complicated issues I have. And I need to release this. I seek advices
Hey guys, thank you for being here this is my first forum. I actually don‘t know what to do with this and I need some advice. Before I mention the story. I need to say that in 2019, I was single and did someone nightstand. I ended up feeling it was not so fulfilling as real love so in 2020 from the beginning I changed and stayed celibates for a while. Around 4 months ago I had a crush on a girl at the party. But I try not to do anything more. Then, a month later, she came to hang out in my apartment from time to time. She slept in my bed from time to time also. We did not have sex. And I try not to fall in love. She often borrowed my shirt, jacket, etc, and come back to return it and then borrowed another one. Btw, she is bisexual. So I thought that she is more into girls than guys. The more she comes, the more I feel a bit more and more into her. And I don‘t want to. We also text quite often and she responded quickly also. She told me everything about her past history snd super open to me. I know her trauma, her issues, etc. I think we are connected and bonded. Then at some point, she just stopped coming and replying. I was not that sad and think it is ok. Maybe I‘m a bit too much. I think it could be my fault. This is not involved with jealousy or something else. And one day, she texted me back after 2 weeks of not texting each other for no reason. This time she slept on my bed and we cuddle in the morning, she slept on my chest. She plays with my hair. We did not do anything more than this. Since I stick to my ideal. I wanna love someone first and then have sex. I know that right now her job didn’t pay off and she has a lot of debt with her modeling agency. I offered her to stay with me so she does not need to pay the rent with the hope that maybe this could be something. I wanna make sure( I had some trauma and trusting issue because of my previous relationship.) There was something in the middle. 3 days after I offered her the hospitality, her ex GF text her saying that they need to clear the air after 7 months of break. (They broke up some time ago) I believe I notice something changes in the bond between me and her. She mentioned that this is the time when she wants to learn how to love herself and she cannot be in a relationship with anyone. I accepted that but I cannot roll my tongue back. I had already decided that she can stay with me. We stayed together without any sexual contact. For a month, I was sure that I fell in love with her. So, in the end, I told her that I love her so much. But for now, it is different. She told me she does not feel the same. But I cannot ask her to move out because she has no place to go, has no money to spend, and has no job. So I decided to let her stay with me in the hope that something might change. There were many moments she shows love and care. But she also told me that she does not wanna confuse me. During the corona time, she had no card in her hand, she told me about her dream besides being a puppet for a modeling agency. She is smart. I know this. She has no hope in her hand, no dream she can accomplish. She cannot progress more in her life. Even tho she doesn‘t love me back the way I wanted. I still feel like I need to help her. I use to mentor some people. My friend told me I have a fatherly character because I like taking care of people and create a dream and hope when they need it. I started to help her. I wanted to give her the equipment for her to learn to have more cards in her hand. Because for me, love is to enlighten the hope and dream. And at this moment, she cannot love anyone without hope or a dream. She lost her phone. I gave her my old iPhone. She would love to learn about photography. I got her an online course for photography and graphic design and camera. She wants to produce and mix music. I used to sing and play guitar. But I cannot prioritize to play it anymore. So I gave it to her. On new year's eve, I can really feel how much love she has for me. I got her the DJ set. She cried her heart out because being a DJ is always her dream. During the new year time, I ask my friend to let her DJ for the small house party and it becomes her first time playing. But after that, I felt like her mood is super swing. Somedays, I felt the love from her. Somedays, I felt like nothing. And even I wanna move on. I cannot move on because I cannot leave her and let her go out without anything. I know it sounds super crazy. And I sound like a super stupid man. I think it would be much easier if I don‘t need to see her. Because that I could deal with. But now, it is just super hard seeing someone you love so much not loving you back every day. I felt worthless and depressed sometimes. But in any case, she cheers me up every time she sees me depressed. But still, she wanna be just a friend because this is what she said „I don‘t want you to think so much about the relationship. You should just go with the flow. And let's see what happens“ I am a data scientist, aeronautical engineer, yogi, dancer, bartender. I know my worth well. But with this situation, I don‘t know how to get out. She cannot go and she cannot love back also( and I don‘t know when she can) I cannot move on if she is here. But on the other hand, I also don‘t want her to go because I don‘t know what would happen to her. And yes she supports me emotionally and I also support her financially and emotionally. I don‘t know where I am heading.
@petrwonder
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Hey guys, thank you for being here this is my first forum. I actually don‘t know what to do with this and I need some advice. Before I mention the story. I need to say that in 2019, I was single and did someone nightstand. I ended up feeling it was not so fulfilling as real love so in 2020 from the beginning I changed and stayed celibates for a while. (It's completely understandable, it seems like you are looking for a meaniful connection with a woman than any kind of night stand) So I thought that she is more into girls than guys. The more she comes, the more I feel a bit more and more into her. (This is quite normal, especially when you two are spending a lot time of together. I can tell a connection was beginning to form around this point) And I don‘t want to. We also text quite often and she responded quickly also. She told me everything about her past history snd super open to me. I know her trauma, her issues, etc. (I get that she was able to feel very comfortable around you. In my opinion people should bring this in bits over the course of time. If she reveal all or most in under 4 months then it's a sign of projecting unmet needs) This is not involved with jealousy or something else. And one day, she texted me back after 2 weeks of not texting each other for no reason. (I suspect things happened too quickly, and it really seemed something happened that made her back away for 2 weeks) This time she slept on my bed and we cuddle in the morning, she slept on my chest. She plays with my hair. We did not do anything more than this. Since I stick to my ideal. (This shows you are person of his word and ideals, much respect to you) I wanna love someone first and then have sex. (I see where you are coming from, forming that connection will be a lot more fufilling than with someone you don't have a connection) I know that right now her job didn’t pay off and she has a lot of debt with her modeling agency. (I wonder whats going on here. She has a lot of debts, however what has she been doing to solve this?) I offered her to stay with me so she does not need to pay the rent with the hope that maybe this could be something. (I understand you want to help her after what she's going through, but it becomes inappropiate and manipulative. You two have not form a deep connection yet, but you are willing to offer all of this. I feel this whole debt issue is something she needs to solve on her own) I wanna make sure( I had some trauma and trusting issue because of my previous relationship.) There was something in the middle. 3 days after I offered her the hospitality, her ex GF text her saying that they need to clear the air after 7 months of break. (They broke up some time ago) I believe I notice something changes in the bond between me and her. She mentioned that this is the time when she wants to learn how to love herself and she cannot be in a relationship with anyone. (This is an excuse she gave you as to not hurt your feelings, but I really think she felt trapped and smothered because what asking her to live with you felt like a relationship) I accepted that but I cannot roll my tongue back. We stayed together without any sexual contact. For a month, I was sure that I fell in love with her. So, in the end, I told her that I love her so much. (I get that you developed some kind of feelings for her, but the gap in the interest level between the two of you is huge. She seems to like you, but you seem to love her so much, so this will make her feel trapped/smothered because she's not at that level) But for now, it is different. She told me she does not feel the same. But I cannot ask her to move out because she has no place to go, has no money to spend, and has no job. So I decided to let her stay with me in the hope that something might change. (I understand why you would say this, but I can tell you are ignoring what's really going on. What has she been doing to find her own place and job?) There were many moments she shows love and care. But she also told me that she does not wanna confuse me. During the corona time, she had no card in her hand, she told me about her dream besides being a puppet for a modeling agency. (What has she done to change this?) She is smart. I know this. She has no hope in her hand, no dream she can accomplish. She cannot progress more in her life. Even tho she doesn‘t love me back the way I wanted. I still feel like I need to help her. (The key word is "I need", which is a sign you feel some kind of responsability to help her, when in reality you are enabling her by helping this way) I use to mentor some people. My friend told me I have a fatherly character because I like taking care of people and create a dream and hope when they need it. I started to help her. I wanted to give her the equipment for her to learn to have more cards in her hand. Because for me, love is to enlighten the hope and dream. And at this moment, she cannot love anyone without hope or a dream. She lost her phone. I gave her my old iPhone. She would love to learn about photography. I got her an online course for photography and graphic design and camera. She wants to produce and mix music. (You are doing way too much for her, especially when she doesn't feel romantic feelings and it's stuck on what she's doing. I believe that maybe love for you is giving and giving, but this truly feels like a one-sided friendshi/relationship) I used to sing and play guitar. But I cannot prioritize to play it anymore. So I gave it to her. On new year's eve, I can really feel how much love she has for me. (No, it's not giving an indication she feels like this. She will only see you as a friend, lose respect for you or someone she can take advantage of when you are doing way too much for her) I got her the DJ set. She cried her heart out because being a DJ is always her dream. During the new year time, I ask my friend to let her DJ for the small house party and it becomes her first time playing. But after that, I felt like her mood is super swing. Somedays, I felt the love from her. Somedays, I felt like nothing. (Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love is supposed to form organically without you giving her so much to expect her to love you. You are doing so much for her, and all she is giving you are breadcrumbs) And even I wanna move on. I cannot move on because I cannot leave her and let her go out without anything. (I get she won't have anything, but what does she really brings to the table?. What happens to her after she leaves is her responsability, not yours) I know it sounds super crazy. And I sound like a super stupid man. I think it would be much easier if I don‘t need to see her. (Yes, it would be much easier if you don't see her) Because that I could deal with. But now, it is just super hard seeing someone you love so much not loving you back every day. I felt worthless and depressed sometimes. (Sorry to hear that, it's really rough investing in someone when the other person isn't responding to your feelings) But in any case, she cheers me up every time she sees me depressed. But still, she wanna be just a friend because this is what she said „I don‘t want you to think so much about the relationship. You should just go with the flow. And let's see what happens“ (I do see where she's coming from with this, but on the other hand is obvious because she's getting everything, while not investing on this) I am a data scientist, aeronautical engineer, yogi, dancer, bartender. I know my worth well. But with this situation, I don‘t know how to get out. She cannot go and she cannot love back also( and I don‘t know when she can) (We all have certain definition of how love should be. I think in your case giving and giving is the way you might feel love might form, but in most cases it turns the other person off. The whole vibe of all of this is friendship or father/daugher dynamic, and there's no romance or intimacy. There's other reasons as well, but she will not develop romantic feelings under these circumstances) I cannot move on if she is here. But on the other hand, I also don‘t want her to go because I don‘t know what would happen to her. (This also something I noticed, it really feels like you have this need to take care off while ignoring your own needs as a person. I understand you are worried, but shouldn't put yourself first in this situation?) And yes she supports me emotionally and I also support her financially and emotionally. I don‘t know where I am heading.
Thank you for your reply, please ask more questions, I really need help. She has been a model for years. And how it works in foreign country is brutal. They give you a small room in a model apartment and pocket money all included around 1500 USD a month. If you have jobs the money will be cut from the jobs you got. But if you don’t they will be left on your debt automatically. So since March to November she was in debt around 7000 USD. And if you asked me if she had tried to resolve. Yes, she wants to. But she doesn’t have the right to work in other industries(visa issue) and even she has, she cannot due to the corona time. She is good at artistic stuffs. Playing guitar singing drawing,.. etc. but because of the corona time, the bar and pub has been closed. And she has no equipment to produce music. She has tried her best but she has no other options. It was a desperate time. I don’t have any intention to manipulate her tbh. She has come to stay with me so many time. And we had no problem at all staying together. And there is no one who is able to help her. Her friends are in the same situation. She is broken and lost. I‘m quite an organized person. With my knowledge on physiotherapy, psychology, personal development, it will work because she has no one to rely on financially, mentally spiritually physically. I myself am lucky enough to have all and inside me I feel the need of helping people with potential because my core belief is when I have the privilege enough, it is my duty to provide back to the society. And plus, I believe also that with my help she would move forward. I want to progress my life with someone from being nobody to somebody. And I know i‘m kinda projecting this value to her. But this means for good and super gentle. And I know she needs this. She comes from the broken family without dad. She does not believe in men. And I would love to prove that there are men that is genuine and doesn’t wanna jeopardize her body. There are so many times, she cries and say „I wanna love you but I cannot, I‘m too broken I need to love myself first and I still don‘t know very well on this topic.“ I‘m teaching her and fill her with love and wisdom. So she can come back and stand beautifully again. In her life, so many people used her, trick her, and she got into it. I don‘t really think she feel trapped and smothered because I really give a lot of space and support without asking anything back. She cannot give anything back because she really have nothing to give back. She cares so much about my mental state, comfort me and make me feel alive with her spontan personality and I can be super serious and organized. Yes I put myself in the situation. I know this but I did not know it would be this tough. She has a lot inside sometimes she avoids talking about stuffs. She lost her faint of love. But inside, I don‘t know also what to do.
@Jurios
Hey there, thanks for your reply. The whole world is going through a lot of struggle because of this pandemic, so I see why things have been going problematic for her. The moment you said "with the hope that maybe this could be something.", it's manipulation, expecting something from doing this for her. I think it's really important to think about your role and her role. I can see you have good intentions when it comes to her, but it really feels like you are trying to save this person, even though this person has not been showing any kind of romantic feelings. The kind of help you are giving her it's something that will keep her in the mindset of someone who always need to be saved. The dynamic you two are having is unhealthy because it's filling some kind of void from each other past, so is pretty much projecting unmet needs on each other.
I do understand the struggles of not growing up without a dad, and it must had been very tough for her to grow up not feeling loved by a male figure. You cannot convince her of anything because only therpay can help her deal with those past trauma. Let's say one day she says "I love you" and wants a relationship with you, things are not going go well because she will have trouble attaching and trusting you. The real reason she says "I want to love you, but I cannot, Im too broken etc" is because she doesn't wan to hurt your feelings (They are also excuses) , but the reality is this feels way too much like a Father/Daughter (Fixer/Victim) dynamic, so this won't develop into anything romantic. Your job is not to fix/save people, there's a path they need to walk on. You bought her all kinds of things, it only make things worst to become an independent person. I think this is not a healthy dynamic for the both of you...
Also, she told me that I‘m the only one that gives her the opportunity to make her dream doable. Although, I provide the equipment(not too expensive). I guide her the process of achievement from atomic habit, 12 rules for life, etc. it is not a thing that matters. The main thing is I believe in her like no one has ever done before. She stated that „I don’t really see my future at all before I met you. You hold my hand gently and now I‘m hopeful and can see the possible future.“