I have been through almost every negative thing life has to offer. I'm still here. I guess that says something. What i don't know. But for some reason I'm still fighting for survival. Although like right now, at present, I think death would be better than life. I just want peace. Is that the only way to find peace??!! Childhood trauma including rape 3 times as a youth, terrible physical abuse, loss of a child to abduction, lupus and cancer, ( i beat the cancer) 3 failed marriages, depression since 12 yrs old, the loss of my oldest brother in 1990, my hero, my father 6 months later, my aunt, then my oldest sister, then my mother a year after my oldest sister, then...I can't say the words. My sister, I can't say her name still. 2 years ago. I can't say her name or look at pics at all. I haven't accepted it yet and don't know if I ever will. She was all i had left when I lost my parents. Now she...... anyways, I became an addict for the first time at 60 years of age. I have lost my kids and friends due to my addiction. I am now in a verbally abusive relationship. He is an addict as well. I am so lonely and alone. I'm tired of fighting to exist. I don't live anymore. I merely exist. I'm tired and don't know what to do.