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Len3322
1 130 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts15 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceNovember 2, 2022
Recent forum posts
I recently met my old classmates that brings painful memories for me
Trauma Support / by Len3322
Last post
 February 8th, 2023
...See more Hello again, I feel the need to write something personal here. Today has been enough of a bad day; lack of sleep, late to post a dissertation topic, having my dissertation topic denied due to its irrelevancy with my major--all seems fine but my mood soured when I met my old classmates from high school who I initially thought forgot about me. By forgot, I mean to ignore me, because I would rather not interact with them. Having a bad day is stressful enough, but having my past memories of my unpleasant days of high school was enough to make me feel oppressed. I don't know, memories soon rushing inside my head and I was stupefied. One of them noticed me and greeted me, saying if I remember them. I know I'm taught to forgive but I instinctively lied and said that I forgot who they are and fled the place I was at. Then I became riled up, I ranted to my friend about how much I wanted them to ignore me and to forget. Because I never wanted to see them ever in my life, as if prickled by needles the moment my existence is acknowledged by them. I don't know whether they changed but I felt sick to my stomach and lost my appetite soon after seeing them. I fear that the once outcast me in high school would be dragged away back to that hellish place where I felt I'm against the world. I wasn't very well liked due to how "abnormal" I am in school, and being reminded of what I should have moved on from suddenly and uninvitedly appear like that petrifies me. I've never been to a therapist or a psychologist, I know I have problems but I seriously need some advice on what to do. My mind's a jumbled mess and the hate and rage still lingered in me even as I grow up. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you and good wishes for everyone here.
My Inability to Accept Kindness
Depression Support / by Len3322
Last post
 February 15th, 2023
...See more Hello, I'm fairly new here and I feel the need to bring something out of my chest for a while now. I've never actually joined any online therapy group for mental illness (I don't even know if I do have one myself), but please hear me out. I can't understand why people are being kind to me. I do, however, understand what kindness in general. But this has weighed me for some time now and it's gradually becoming worse. Every time a friend of mine treated me so kindly and with patience, I became agitated. I want to question why they want to help me even though they have so much burden in their life compared to mine, I couldn't helped but be annoyed with the fact that they prioritize me meanwhile I know that they're extremely tired. It doesn't make sense for me, but it makes sense when they do it for others. This happened a lot. When people shower me with love, I struggle to repay them because I feel inadequate. Like, they can give that love to someone else and maybe they'll be happier than when they're with me. I couldn't talk to this with my closed ones because being understood feels terrifying. Maybe being exposed or something like that, it paralyzes me to even consider what sort of person I am and how despicable I must be. Writing this is difficult, I barely can comprehend what I want to write. But the natural gist of it is that kindness towards me is something so foreign, and I think I need some help. I don't want to say "sorry for the heavy talk" because I think it's appropriate to talk about it, since I came here for help. Is there any way I can try changing my mindset for the better and understand the signs of why I feel scared of being treated properly as anyone truly deserve? Thanks.
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