My Inability to Accept Kindness
Hello, I'm fairly new here and I feel the need to bring something out of my chest for a while now. I've never actually joined any online therapy group for mental illness (I don't even know if I do have one myself), but please hear me out.
I can't understand why people are being kind to me.
I do, however, understand what kindness in general. But this has weighed me for some time now and it's gradually becoming worse. Every time a friend of mine treated me so kindly and with patience, I became agitated. I want to question why they want to help me even though they have so much burden in their life compared to mine, I couldn't helped but be annoyed with the fact that they prioritize me meanwhile I know that they're extremely tired. It doesn't make sense for me, but it makes sense when they do it for others.
This happened a lot. When people shower me with love, I struggle to repay them because I feel inadequate. Like, they can give that love to someone else and maybe they'll be happier than when they're with me.
I couldn't talk to this with my closed ones because being understood feels terrifying. Maybe being exposed or something like that, it paralyzes me to even consider what sort of person I am and how despicable I must be.
Writing this is difficult, I barely can comprehend what I want to write. But the natural gist of it is that kindness towards me is something so foreign, and I think I need some help.
I don't want to say "sorry for the heavy talk" because I think it's appropriate to talk about it, since I came here for help. Is there any way I can try changing my mindset for the better and understand the signs of why I feel scared of being treated properly as anyone truly deserve? Thanks.
@Len3322 Hi. Sounds like your reaction to other’s showing you kindness is causing you a lot of discomfort. I don’t think it is unusual for us as humans to assess our “social worth” and question where we fit and what we deserve. It can be quite freeing to realize that assessing our worth in relation to others is not a particularly useful activity. You are a human being who has feelings and exists in a world with other humans - and that, in my opinion is where we should end the story. However, in society we have a lot of stories, or religious beliefs, or standards and ideals that we internalize. These stories have elements of comparison and descriptions about who is more or less worthy. Each of us finds ourselves in some social caste or religion or even time in history where the story is one thing, but might be quite different in another time and place. You didn’t create these stories, but they were “given” to you. It would be impossible to drop the stories we have in our head, but we can recognize they have both value and curse. The curse is that they tend to lead us to value our worth against rather arbitrary standards. So my suspicion is your anxiety can be reduced by just appreciating the gifts of kindness and perhaps pass on the same kindness to others. There are many was to do so, and what really helped me is learning to be kind to myself. When I’m in a good place in myself, I have enough left over to give to others. Being kind to myself takes many forms - healthy lifestyle, refrain from unhelpful self criticism, etc. You deserve the kindness you have received because you are human - end of story. You have gifts of kindness to offer others, and the best part is that giving away that gift can cost you little or nothing, and yet can result in great joy for yourself. Wishing you many blessings.
Thanks, I appreciate the help ^^
As for self-criticism, it is a hard battle between being kind to myself and to be strict when things doesn't go as expected. It has been going on for years and there's never a day where I don't criticize myself over at even the simplest things. I guess I have to find a way to lessen my inner critic.
@Len3322
Hey there, just letting you know that I removed a re-upload of this thread, under the duplicate content guideline (we aren't allowed to post the same content in multiple forums/ multiple times). As indicated by the note in that one, I moved this thread to the Depression support Sub community.
In future if you'd like to move your threads to a different sub community, you can either reach out to a leader of the sub community (if there is one), reach out via this clickable thread Or flag your own thread and in the description you may ask for a relocation of the thread.
Understandable to feel confused starting out, so please feel free to reach out or ask if you have any questions regarding navigation! ❤
Thanks for the tips ^^
Thanks so much for sharing with us. So many of us have voices like this in our heads. Keep reminding yourself that people are allowed to care for you too. When they do they feel better about themselves. @Len3322
How are you feeling now?
@bestVase7265
Good day, thanks for asking. I'm still struggling with the same thing, like it's a slow process that I could never really seem to see the end of. For now, I'll hold onto the hope that things will get better.
It is always a slow process. The more that you can be patient with it and yourself the better. Watch for really small signs of healing and celebrate every one. We are here to cheer you on. @Len3322
Just checking back in. Know that people here care. @Len3322
I don't know if it's relatable, but I often feel like I need to be worthy of whatever kindness someone shows me. Like it has to be a reciprocal exchange.
I'm not sure why I feel this way...and it's only when I'm the recipient.
I show kindness to others and don't expect anything in return. When someone shows me kindness, I always think "What did I do to deserve that?"
I don't understand it at all.
