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I'm 33 female. Have a textbook successful life. Grew up with loving parents, we weren't rich, but we were happy and supported. Good education, good career, bought a home as a single woman, good friends around me. Everyone tells me how lucky I am that my life has been so great. Some of my friends struggle financially, can't own a home, and struggle keeping a job. I grew up with a big cultured family and it was a big part of my identity. My family has since fractured a bit, with aunts, uncles, cousins. Its been hard because I feel like I lost a big part of me and my community and identity. Now holidays are me, my two siblings, one has a girlfriend, and my parents. Its depressing. It used to be around 15 people, chaotic, fun, loud, loving.
My parents, in particular my mother, has always aimed to keep my siblings and I close and aligned together as a family with them. I feel we are. I grew up the quintessential good girl. My mom raising me to be classy, helpful, family oriented, dedicated, and perfect. Don't talk like that, dont sit like that, dont say it like that. She has always said she doesnt want me looking foolish, because she thinks I'm amazing.
I'm not rich, and live tight, but have more than most. I'm pretty, smart, cute, stylish, and motivated. I am a bit on the heavier side and want to lose weight and am actively doing so. The last 5 years my life has just been on autopilot. Eat, sleep, work, clean, family survive.
A few months ago, I fell into this weird mental state. I started watching comedians online at night. At first, I laughed and enjoyed it. And then I found this one comedian who I just started liking so much. Started following him on social media. He's funny, inspirational, cultured, dedicated, healthy, fit, kind, has a wonderful family, friends, lifestyle. I started feeling like wow, this guy is everything I've ever wanted to be and a type of man I'd want to be with. I haven't had any luck dating.
I started watching his videos constantly. Idolizing his life. Wishing my life was like his. He's traveling the country and world, and wearing cool clothes. I'm mowing my lawn miserably in sweat clothes. Can't afford to travel too much.
He eats organic and really healthy. Something I've always wanted to get into. I started changing the more I connected to this figure. I started obsessing over his videos and posts. Analyzing his life. Crushing on him a bit too. Not in a crazy way, just wowed by him and realizing I want a man like that.
I started dressing up every day, eating really healthy, going to the gym daily, trying to be more like this guy and loving the new me. I felt on top of the world. I even started considering moving away, being free. Living more like this guy. Selling everything I have and starting over. My family thought I was crazy out of my mind. Friends telling me that I had grass is greener syndrome.
I fell into this weird depression, so unhappy with my life but also trying to change it. Feeling like I want to be like this guy and attract men like him.
And looking back on my successful life and realizing I could have done so much more. I stayed in the safe lane. I never traveled, I invested in a home that is so much work. I never met the right man, and am single and childless. I never pushed myself even more in my career to live the dream. But my life is good. Stable. But boring.
Again, my family and friends thought I was crazy. They see me as so successful compared to most people we know.
But I was thinking bigger and better.
This went on for months. I was obsessed with this guy. He has a huge following, a community, a strong culture and sense of self. I see his parents supporting him from afar on social media, not trying to keep him close like my own. I could have moved to a big city like him and made it bigger in my career. But I was held close by my parents and raised to be afraid of bigger and better. I see my potential now as someone who is really capable. I have always doubted myself.
I was stifled by my mom's need to make me a classy, perfect girl. I missed out on being funny, risky, lively, quirky. I am that person, but she pushed it down in me.
I started noticing that when I engaged with my one good friend, I'm loud, silly, funny. As soon as my mom comes around, I'm more dull, structured, self conscious. Even my friend noticed a few times when my mom was around both of us, saying I wasn't myself. I realized it was all connected. Me with friend=fun, open, quirky. Me with mom and friend=quiet, reserved, low key.
I try to push myself outwards around my family but my mom questions it asking why i'm so outgoing, telling me its bizarre and she feels its me being fake.
So I realize I do want love and to build my own family and make my own decisions with a husband and myself. Just us. I want marriage.
I start dating, meeting men, talking to them. Then slowly, I feel my fantasy facade of this comedian, my dreams, and my goals, meshing with reality.
I start losing the dream. I start slowly losing the healthy organic eating and go back to my old habits. I start losing motivation for daily gym sessions and stop going. I start falling back into autopilot again. And I hate it. But I'm confused if I'm just being my true self. But I don't want to be this. I want to be the comedian I idolize. I dont want to be a comedian, but just someone like him and his life and his dream girl. It seems the reality of talking to real men, dating prospects, put me back into real life again. But I want to be a better self. Healthier, organic, more fit, slimmer, to travel more, be more creative, live more, have more excitement, career fulfillment, to love my life.
The guy I idolize is a genius, smart, creative, carefree, attractive, goes to the gym constantly, eats well, loves his family and culture, is admired, respected, and his family doesnt pin him down, they encourage him to life his successful life. He moved away from them, far away, and pursued his dreams. He has friends, nice dinners out, laughter, fun, and career success in his life. He is single still though and says he does have commitment issues from his parents marriage when he was young. But he's such a cool guy overall. I still respect him, but now the lore and inspiration is fading. I still enjoy his videos and content. But now I'm back into my old, boring, life.
What I'm desperately missing in my life is travel, excitement, love, marriage, goals, and fitness. I want that. But it doesnt seem to be working out for me. I feel like the last 5 years, I let my life slip away and stopped living.
This guy inspired me. I even lost 30 pounds. But now thats faded. I dont know what to do. I'm so lost. I need advice.
