Trying to figure out who I am and what I want
I'm 33 female. Have a textbook successful life. Grew up with loving parents, we weren't rich, but we were happy and supported. Good education, good career, bought a home as a single woman, good friends around me. Everyone tells me how lucky I am that my life has been so great. Some of my friends struggle financially, can't own a home, and struggle keeping a job. I grew up with a big cultured family and it was a big part of my identity. My family has since fractured a bit, with aunts, uncles, cousins. Its been hard because I feel like I lost a big part of me and my community and identity. Now holidays are me, my two siblings, one has a girlfriend, and my parents. Its depressing. It used to be around 15 people, chaotic, fun, loud, loving.
My parents, in particular my mother, has always aimed to keep my siblings and I close and aligned together as a family with them. I feel we are. I grew up the quintessential good girl. My mom raising me to be classy, helpful, family oriented, dedicated, and perfect. Don't talk like that, dont sit like that, dont say it like that. She has always said she doesnt want me looking foolish, because she thinks I'm amazing.
I'm not rich, and live tight, but have more than most. I'm pretty, smart, cute, stylish, and motivated. I am a bit on the heavier side and want to lose weight and am actively doing so. The last 5 years my life has just been on autopilot. Eat, sleep, work, clean, family survive.
A few months ago, I fell into this weird mental state. I started watching comedians online at night. At first, I laughed and enjoyed it. And then I found this one comedian who I just started liking so much. Started following him on social media. He's funny, inspirational, cultured, dedicated, healthy, fit, kind, has a wonderful family, friends, lifestyle. I started feeling like wow, this guy is everything I've ever wanted to be and a type of man I'd want to be with. I haven't had any luck dating.
I started watching his videos constantly. Idolizing his life. Wishing my life was like his. He's traveling the country and world, and wearing cool clothes. I'm mowing my lawn miserably in sweat clothes. Can't afford to travel too much.
He eats organic and really healthy. Something I've always wanted to get into. I started changing the more I connected to this figure. I started obsessing over his videos and posts. Analyzing his life. Crushing on him a bit too. Not in a crazy way, just wowed by him and realizing I want a man like that.
I started dressing up every day, eating really healthy, going to the gym daily, trying to be more like this guy and loving the new me. I felt on top of the world. I even started considering moving away, being free. Living more like this guy. Selling everything I have and starting over. My family thought I was crazy out of my mind. Friends telling me that I had grass is greener syndrome.
I fell into this weird depression, so unhappy with my life but also trying to change it. Feeling like I want to be like this guy and attract men like him.
And looking back on my successful life and realizing I could have done so much more. I stayed in the safe lane. I never traveled, I invested in a home that is so much work. I never met the right man, and am single and childless. I never pushed myself even more in my career to live the dream. But my life is good. Stable. But boring.
Again, my family and friends thought I was crazy. They see me as so successful compared to most people we know.
But I was thinking bigger and better.
This went on for months. I was obsessed with this guy. He has a huge following, a community, a strong culture and sense of self. I see his parents supporting him from afar on social media, not trying to keep him close like my own. I could have moved to a big city like him and made it bigger in my career. But I was held close by my parents and raised to be afraid of bigger and better. I see my potential now as someone who is really capable. I have always doubted myself.
I was stifled by my mom's need to make me a classy, perfect girl. I missed out on being funny, risky, lively, quirky. I am that person, but she pushed it down in me.
I started noticing that when I engaged with my one good friend, I'm loud, silly, funny. As soon as my mom comes around, I'm more dull, structured, self conscious. Even my friend noticed a few times when my mom was around both of us, saying I wasn't myself. I realized it was all connected. Me with friend=fun, open, quirky. Me with mom and friend=quiet, reserved, low key.
I try to push myself outwards around my family but my mom questions it asking why i'm so outgoing, telling me its bizarre and she feels its me being fake.
So I realize I do want love and to build my own family and make my own decisions with a husband and myself. Just us. I want marriage.
I start dating, meeting men, talking to them. Then slowly, I feel my fantasy facade of this comedian, my dreams, and my goals, meshing with reality.
I start losing the dream. I start slowly losing the healthy organic eating and go back to my old habits. I start losing motivation for daily gym sessions and stop going. I start falling back into autopilot again. And I hate it. But I'm confused if I'm just being my true self. But I don't want to be this. I want to be the comedian I idolize. I dont want to be a comedian, but just someone like him and his life and his dream girl. It seems the reality of talking to real men, dating prospects, put me back into real life again. But I want to be a better self. Healthier, organic, more fit, slimmer, to travel more, be more creative, live more, have more excitement, career fulfillment, to love my life.
The guy I idolize is a genius, smart, creative, carefree, attractive, goes to the gym constantly, eats well, loves his family and culture, is admired, respected, and his family doesnt pin him down, they encourage him to life his successful life. He moved away from them, far away, and pursued his dreams. He has friends, nice dinners out, laughter, fun, and career success in his life. He is single still though and says he does have commitment issues from his parents marriage when he was young. But he's such a cool guy overall. I still respect him, but now the lore and inspiration is fading. I still enjoy his videos and content. But now I'm back into my old, boring, life.
What I'm desperately missing in my life is travel, excitement, love, marriage, goals, and fitness. I want that. But it doesnt seem to be working out for me. I feel like the last 5 years, I let my life slip away and stopped living.
This guy inspired me. I even lost 30 pounds. But now thats faded. I dont know what to do. I'm so lost. I need advice.
@LightBlueLucy79
Thank you for sharing this so deeply and vulnerably. Reading your words, I don’t see a woman who's lost—I see a woman who's awakening. You're not crazy, you're not broken, and you’re definitely not alone. What you're feeling is the aching pulse of a person realizing there's more out there for her—and mourning that she didn’t see it sooner.
That dissonance you’re living in? It’s real. You built a stable, respectable, beautiful life. One that others admire. But inside, you know there’s an untapped version of you that’s bolder, freer, more colorful. That’s not delusion or fantasy—that’s your spirit talking. That’s your true self whispering, "Please let me out."
Here's the thing:
That comedian? He was never the answer. He was the mirror.
A spark. A stand-in for everything you thought you couldn’t be. You didn’t fall in love with him, you fell in love with who you could be—and that’s powerful.
You proved to yourself what you're capable of:
-
You lost 30 pounds.
-
You started dressing up for you.
-
You got out of autopilot.
-
You dreamed big—maybe for the first time in a long time.
That doesn’t just disappear. Even if the inspiration fades, the change it catalyzed still lives in you.
You’re not crazy for questioning everything.
You’ve been playing a role your whole life—the “good girl,” the “respectable daughter,” the “successful one”—but not necessarily your role. Now, for the first time, you’re asking: What if I want more?
And yes, the silence that follows is terrifying. Because the blueprint you were handed doesn’t map onto the person you’re becoming.
But it’s okay to be both grateful and grieving.
To love your parents and still want something different than what they imagined.
To be proud of your stability, and still crave fire, passion, travel, risk.
A few grounded thoughts:
-
This isn't a regression—it's a cycle.
Inspiration often comes in waves. What matters isn’t staying “high” on motivation, but building systems that make the low points survivable and repairable. You fell back into old habits not because you failed—but because real change takes structure, not just sparks. -
Start living your dream life in small doses.
-
You don’t need to sell everything and run.
-
Book a small solo trip—even just a weekend.
-
Take one creative class.
-
Cook one beautiful, organic meal a week.
-
Try one new cafe and go journal there like you live in a movie.
Start showing your nervous system that this “other life” isn’t a threat. It’s not running away. It’s building toward something better.
-
Redefine what “success” means for you now.
You’ve outgrown your old metrics. That’s why they feel hollow. That’s not failure—that’s evolution. -
Therapy could help.
Especially to unpack the internalized voices—like your mom’s—telling you not to be “too much,” “too loud,” “too free.” You deserve to be fully you, even if it scares people. -
Don’t wait for a man to complete the story.
Yes, love and marriage may be part of your journey—but you don’t have to pause your becoming while waiting. You attract aligned love when you’re living aligned. Not when you shrink back into a version of yourself to please others.
You’re standing at a powerful crossroads, and it’s okay to feel lost. But don’t mistake this discomfort for failure—it’s transformation. The kind that burns a little because it matters so much.
You haven’t missed your shot.
You’re just getting started.
Please, don’t stop now. The “you” that’s waiting on the other side?
She’s worth every step.
I'm here with you in this—every time you need to recalibrate, rant, or just remember who you are. ❤️
@LightBlueLucy79
Hello 😊 It sounds great you are having a good, prosperous, healthy life. And, yes, families tend to be fractured with time, even if some new generations are going around. But it sounds from your message that you do not feel happy, just like missing something important...
When you talked about how your mother treated you, I imaged an ivory tower built on a cold glass mountain - so perfect, but so alone inside, not grown like a flower, but designed.
At the beginning of your message you have mentioned people/friends who were not as successful as you, who were not rich, without their own places to live, struggling financially to make both ends meet or to find a job to earn their living. There are also some people who struggle for years with their physical disabilities, moving on wheelchairs or imprisoned ny their hospital beds. Is there something you would like to tell to them?
In order to not be misunderstood, what I exactly meant:
The human's nature is we always want more. If we have a house, we want a car. If we have a partner, we want to marry and create a family. If we have money, we want more leisure time and better health. But the resources of our world look to be always scarce. So, maybe the solution is leaving the race and being more satisfied with what I have?
The second thing is, despite our different family backgrounds, financial status or physical ability, maybe it seems we are all living through the same existential pain? Longing for something better and bigger than this material world.