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LittleLouLou828
455 M Embraced 4
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts57 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2019 Member sinceMay 4, 2019
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Not sure how to get better
Depression Support / by LittleLouLou828
Last post
 May 29th, 2019
...See more I have gone through depression with anxiety for the majority of my life. My first really bad episode in which I had contemplated suicide (actually just really preferred death over feeling) was when my fiancé broke things off. That was around 15 years ago. I have had mild depressive episodes since pulling out of that however I am currently doing quite poorly. I lost my mother in Sept this past year and since then I have been very bad off. I have been dating off and on. When I have a boyfriend I do pretty good. Recently the guy that I am in love with has been having doubts. I dont know if we will have a future and we are taking time away. I am deathly afraid that he will tell me he doesnt think he can love me the way I deserve and that we will split. You see, I am incredibly lonely. I have friends and family but I do not have that intimate connection with anyone. I crave that immensely. Especially after the loss of my mom. I was single when she was alive and okay with it. But I think losing her just brought this incredible loneliness out of me that I cannot tamp down. I do not feel my happiness is dependent on being with someone but lately when single I am so depressed. Right now as I do not know what will happen in our relationship I am stuck in a black hole. I want to numb myself with alcohol, cigarettes, food and marijuana. I have not done any of it but its constantly on my mind. I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I dont know what to do.
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Lost and Confused
Relationship Stress / by LittleLouLou828
Last post
 May 29th, 2019
...See more I have been seeing this guy for 2 months. As it doesnt seem very long the two of us have very strong feelings of love for one another. Recently he told me that he has been having extreme feelings of guilt and shame because he met someone before our first date and has been thinking about her. I told him it pains me but if he feels he needs to date her than he should because I dont want our relationship to be a regret. He told me he just needed time. Today it seems apparent that time isnt doing it. He told me he knows hes being stupid. He said shes moving in the fall so she couldnt be the one. He said he knows I have to be, but why does he feel that way? I told him that I am willing to either try to continue to work on us, possibly with some counseling. I said again that if he needs to try to date her then he should. I said that if you love something set it free and if it comes back its yours, if not it never was. I havent heard back from him. Its killing me because I have a feeling its because he is going to try to be with her. I know that this is what it should be because if he realizes I am the one its with his whole heart. But Im in so much pain. I feel so broken inside. I feel so alone and I dont want to lose him. I love him and my heart is breaking.
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