Not sure how to get better
I have gone through depression with anxiety for the majority of my life. My first really bad episode in which I had contemplated suicide (actually just really preferred death over feeling) was when my fiancé broke things off. That was around 15 years ago. I have had mild depressive episodes since pulling out of that however I am currently doing quite poorly. I lost my mother in Sept this past year and since then I have been very bad off. I have been dating off and on. When I have a boyfriend I do pretty good. Recently the guy that I am in love with has been having doubts. I dont know if we will have a future and we are taking time away. I am deathly afraid that he will tell me he doesnt think he can love me the way I deserve and that we will split. You see, I am incredibly lonely. I have friends and family but I do not have that intimate connection with anyone. I crave that immensely. Especially after the loss of my mom. I was single when she was alive and okay with it. But I think losing her just brought this incredible loneliness out of me that I cannot tamp down. I do not feel my happiness is dependent on being with someone but lately when single I am so depressed. Right now as I do not know what will happen in our relationship I am stuck in a black hole. I want to numb myself with alcohol, cigarettes, food and marijuana. I have not done any of it but its constantly on my mind. I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I dont know what to do.
@LittleLouLou828
Be strong your are not alone. I know u are looking to replace the void ur mom left but sometime u just need time to let it heal. When i get depressed i turn to alchohol and i could say for a fact it is not the answer. Ive also tried to commit suicide its not the answer. You mean something to somebody. Your partner is just trying to find a way to show you. I care for you just because we feel the same pain. And i know if i can make a change u can to. Good luck and god bless.
@thoughtfulBike6901
Thank you for your kind words. Its such an incredible struggle and I hate the feeling of no control. I think that is part of what is so difficult. Deep down I know that things will eventually get better, however getting to that point has been a nightmare. Its starting to effect my work. I just want to stay home and away from people yet still crave the connection of someone I love. Depression sucks!!!
@LittleLouLou828
I stayed home today from work cause i was so ashamed of getting drunk sat. My partner has been in a tug of war of emptions because she scared of me when i drink. I understand your situation because my depression is covering me the same. I just wana run away somewhere nobody knows me. Ive hurt ppl here being stupid n now i have no choice but to live with my decisisons. I dont have family here im by myself.
@thoughtfulBike6901
i have family and friends but somehow still feel incredibly alone. I want the intimacy with someone. I feel like we tend to push people away in the depressed state even though what we (well at least I) just want someone to be there and give us comfort.
Drinking is definitely is a bad numbing method, that feels easier when we do it. When drunk, you do not feel so it helps. However it just makes things worse by causing further depression and in other cases issues/problems with loved ones because of our actions while drunk. Hopefully you are able to get some help in that vice. Im thinking being torn from your significant other because of trying to numb would cause me to spiral out of control. Hope you can get the help you need for that.
@LittleLouLou828
Hope u find peace. Thanks for the support. Even though intimacy might be what your looking for you first have to love your self. That i also have a problem in doing. Keep telling yourself you the best because in someones eyes you are. Godbless.
@thoughtfulBike6901
my plan is to work on me. It is definitely difficult but something I need to do. You cant fully love or be loved when you dont fully love yourself. I wish you luck in your journey as well. One step at a time.
