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LoneVagrant
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PathStep 2 Compassion hearts20 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2019 Member sinceDecember 2, 2017
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Trauma Support / by LoneVagrant
Last post
 April 18th, 2019
...See more I was in a relationship with a guy for six years. He threatened me every other day. I can and will kill myself if you leave. Youre the only thing keeping me alive. During the six years, he consistently went from loving and affectionate to volatile and toxic. He said he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and that I just had to get used to the way he treated me. This is just the way I am. You cant change me and Ill be damned if you tell me what I already know. Aside from using every little fear I confessed to him as a weapon at some point, he also took advantage of me sexually a couple times at the beginning of the relationship. I told him I didnt feel like it. I wasnt in the mood. He didnt care...he screamed at me and threw threats at me until I finally just caved in and gave him his way. Another time he just pushed me down onto the bed and...after I told him no. I moved away from him to get away. We maintained contact because I was too scared to abandon him. This lasted about two years. During that time, he told me he bought a gun and that he wasnt afraid of using it on himself. He reminded me it was MY duty to satisfy him and make him happy. My concerns arent important. My dreams are best off ignoring. My entire life was supposed to revolve around him. If I left him, it would be my fault if he killed himself. But I just couldnt take it anymore. I completely ghosted him several months ago.I shouldnt of...but what else could I do?
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All Work and No Play
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by LoneVagrant
Last post
 March 17th, 2019
...See more (My thoughts are in a huff right now, so Im sorry if this comes as incoherent garbage.) Im currently off meds (this being the second time Ive stopped. I could no longer afford them) and I did really good for like a year. A year sane, at least for the most part. I was fine. The highs made me feel invincible and like Im actually GOOD at stuff. But then the crushing reality that comes from depression swoops in. I know I cant do anything but suffer. I hate most people. They dont actually care about me, I KNOW they dont. Especially when its exes who pretend to be concerned, only to chew me out because Im not in a big rush to drop to my knees and give him the sick, sexual things he wants. I dont feel the desire. Havent for a long time. But nobody can respect that. Im so busy with work. So damn busy busy. I cant just work on my stuff and get caught up. Nobody LETS ME WORK. As a result, Im super behind and have no damn time to finish anything. And I cant play. Ive no time for relaxation, not anymore. Christ, I cant even sleep much nowadays. I try to fix my schedule and some jerk ruins it for me again. I have to remind myself to eat sometimes. One meal is just fine, keeps me full for a little while at least. I just want to be happy again. Even if it means sacrificing who I am. Im not sure what Im hoping to accomplish posting here. I guess just for someone to hear me and my stupid self out. Anythings better than just being left alone with my thoughts.
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