All Work and No Play
(My thoughts are in a huff right now, so Im sorry if this comes as incoherent garbage.)
Im currently off meds (this being the second time Ive stopped. I could no longer afford them) and I did really good for like a year. A year sane, at least for the most part. I was fine. The highs made me feel invincible and like Im actually GOOD at stuff. But then the crushing reality that comes from depression swoops in. I know I cant do anything but suffer.
I hate most people. They dont actually care about me, I KNOW they dont. Especially when its exes who pretend to be concerned, only to chew me out because Im not in a big rush to drop to my knees and give him the sick, sexual things he wants. I dont feel the desire. Havent for a long time. But nobody can respect that.
Im so busy with work. So damn busy busy. I cant just work on my stuff and get caught up. Nobody LETS ME WORK. As a result, Im super behind and have no damn time to finish anything. And I cant play. Ive no time for relaxation, not anymore.
Christ, I cant even sleep much nowadays. I try to fix my schedule and some jerk ruins it for me again. I have to remind myself to eat sometimes. One meal is just fine, keeps me full for a little while at least.
I just want to be happy again. Even if it means sacrificing who I am.
Im not sure what Im hoping to accomplish posting here. I guess just for someone to hear me and my stupid self out. Anythings better than just being left alone with my thoughts.
@LoneVagrant
Hey you are not stupid and no longer alone! Welcome to the Bipolar Support community 
I hope that writing all that down might have helped a little, as I know it does to some members.
@Soulcomfort @PalmtreesNrainbows
Listening .... One Step At A Time
@MistyMagic
@Soulcomfort
Thank you. I know its been a day or so since I made this this thread, but Im a bit more level-headed since posting. Id been nearly 24 hours without any sleep, way behind on my work projects, and my mind had been stuck in dark place after an ex, who swears up and down he still loves me and understands that I dont want to get involved with anyone sexually after a rather traumatizing instance a couple years back, started schooling me and telling me Im wrong to feel the way I do...even trying to threaten me by saying either you take a f**king antidepressant or I walk away. Jokes on him, I want him to piss off anyway. :)
Im sometimes able to handle my fluctuating moods, but then stuff like that happens and I lose my control. I know I need to get back on meds, but I cant afford them. Last time they had me on freaking Abilify, which cost an outrageous amount of money even with insurance.
Hopefully I can figure something out soon...
Apologies for large font. My phone is a piece of crap sometimes ><
@LoneVagrant
Thanks for the update and sometimes our phones tell us something, maybe your phone was shouting out that update and how much better you feel?
Hope you have a pleasant weekend
Listening .... One Step At A Time
Also grateful for the update and i think your phone is acting as cheerleader. Its definately on your side
@LoneVagrant
Hey Lone,
I can think of a lot of 'nice happy' things to say but I don't think that would help right now.
How you are feeling is massively overwhelming, incredibly hard to deal with and having the strength to do it and express it in writing says a lot about you and I have nothing but respect and admiration for you.
May I welcome you and assure you that you are in the right place for posting, what may feel like 'incoherent garbage' but most definately is not!
@LoneVagrant